Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, allegedly assaulted a woman in a bar Friday night (the bar was called, incidentally, the “Belly Up”). So Aspen police followed Mueller to a different bar (the “Escobar Aspen”), where they discovered Mueller was also hopped up on coke.

She was arrested and charged with “possession with intent to distribute”—A CLASS FOUR FELONY—and released on $11,000 bond.

TMZ additionally reports:

But right before all that happened, Brooke DANCED HER FACE OFF.

And it’s true! TMZ somehow filched this security footage; in it, you can see Brooke Mueller boogying. Well, or weaving unsteadily, but whatever.

Mueller’s representative, Steve Honig, “declined to comment.” Can you believe it? Brooke Mueller and Lindsay Lohan have the same PR guy! Figures.

(Image via the Daily Telegraph.)

Katy Perry and husband Russell Brand attended David Lynch’s “Change Begins Within” benefit last night, where the couple smooched for cameras. In other, more candid photographs, Perry looks genuinely excited to be holding her husband’s hand. Ah! Young love.

Can we move along to something more important now? Like Katy’s hair? Because I can’t remember the last time her hair looked so good. It’s a little windswept, and she has kind of a cowlick, but the cut and texture look great. And that with that color—blonde with pink highlights—she almost looks like Jem! I even think her dark roots are kind of cool. Like, I want this to be my Next Hair. Maybe I will print these photos out and take them to a salon.

But that dress? No. No way.

Steve Buscemi hosted Saturday Night Live last night. Final verdict: NOT ENOUGH STEVE BUSCEMI. (They compensated by giving Paul Brittain some stuff to do, though. Paul Brittain! I know! He never gets to do anything!)

Let’s begin with the opening monologue:

It’s unusual for the opening monologue to genuinely be a highlight of any SNL episode, but this time they’ve done it. And it’s really cute! It’s actually reminiscent of Buscemi’s 1998 monologue in a lot of ways. This time the idea is, Steve Buscemi only recently made the jump from “character” to “lead” actor, thanks to the success of HBO’s Boardwalk Empire. Watch what happens next.

Miley Cyrus (Vanessa Bayer) makes her triumphant return to SNL! And this time she is toting a bag of Doritos. Buscemi is woefully underused here, but he totally wins as “Jeff,” some dude Miley met at Burning Man.

(more…)

Oh, Jimmy Fallon! Readers, I ask you: is there anything more charming in this life than when a man sings a jazz standard in a Chipmunk voice? (No, don’t actually answer that—just know that Chipmunks in Low Places is my favorite country album.)

And here Jimmy is now, duetting with Maya Rudolph on the Friday episode of Late Night.

Well? Isn’t this adorable? Or is it obnoxious? (Trick question, grinches!)

You are admiring a one-of-a-kind Katy Perry Barbie doll, designed by Amy Lee of Mattel. Those tiny 70 cupcakes on Katy’s skirt? Handpainted. Those little flecks of glitter on Katy’s legs? Swarovski crystal. The doll’s estimated value? $15,000. Yep—this is basically the Last Word in Katy Perry Barbie dolls.

There is also a Nicki Minaj Barbie doll that has been in the news lately, and she is UH-MAZING. Of the two, she has the better hair.

Both dolls are up on the auction block until December 19; proceeds benefit Project Angel Food.

Writing about celebrity gossip is hard work! And that is why I have decided to farm out one of my weekend posts to my friend Fred’s 11-year-old daughter. Hmm. I think this isn’t illegal.

Now, you might guess that this new column was inspired by Kids React, but you are wrong. Instead, I was inspired by the mustache my friend Fred’s daughter was perma-markering onto a photograph of Justin Bieber in the magazine J-14. “You know,” I said to her, “Perez Hilton made his millions by drawing on people.” Then I offered this 11-year-old girl my job.

Fred’s daughter wasn’t sure what to write about, so I asked her to tell me a little bit about the latest Twilight movie Breaking Dawn: Part 1, because I haven’t seen it.

Here is what an 11-year old had to say:

I recently went to see Part I of Breaking Dawn. If I had to rate the movie from 1 to 5 stars, I would give it a three-and-a-half.

I love the Twilight series, but Breaking Dawn was way too sappy. I hate sappy movies! I hate them because you always know what will happen at the end. Like every Julia Roberts movie! Or Julia Roberts comes into movies and ruins them! Like Ocean’s Eleven. It started so cool: gadgets, stealing money, George Clooney, Brad Pitt…. And then at the end, Julia Roberts has to suddenly show up and kiss George Clooney. The pain of that scene was just like being locked up in a nuthouse and being forced to listen to show tunes. (Editor’s note: ?????!!!!)

The mouth on this kid! Anyway, there’s much, much more, but there are also some Breaking Dawn spoilers. You’ve been warned.

(more…)