Of course, that’d be Adele. Were you expecting someone else – someone like Courtney Stodden perhaps? I hear that Courtney Stodden fills her, um, appearance riders with things like life-sized sparkly stuffed ponies, strawberry-flavored edible undies, Bubble Yum, glow-in-the-dark body paint, and blacklight posters. Adele’s concert riders, however, are much more refreshing, and I mean that both figuratively and literally – girlfriend likes her water.

Some of the items on Adele’s “registry” include:

12 small bottles of room temperature spring water
1 electric kettle, 6 mugs for tea (new, washed and dried)
6 metal teaspoons
2 “squeezy” bottles of clear honey (not organic)
1 bottle of very best quality red wine
1 assortment of chewing gum
1 pack of Marlboro Lights
1 disposable lighter
1 small plate of fresh fruit including bananas, apples, grapes, fresh berries but NO citrus fruit
1 small plate of assorted, freshly made, individually wrapped sandwiches to include chicken salad but no tomatoes, vinegar, chili or citrus fruit

So awesome, right? So down-to-earth. I mean, of course, however, you have other performers who are not nearly as awesome as Adele (ahem, Rihanna) who ask for things like a variety of animal-print pillows with ABSOLUTELY NO SEQUINS. ZERO. So it’s extra-delightful to find out that Adele here is just a regular old gal like the rest of us, except for those of us who are not gals at all.

Finally, I, too, dislike citrus fruit on an immense level. Gag me with a grapefruit spoon.

What would you guys have on your riders if you were famous enough to have riders?

Or in Lindsay‘s case, new lips.

And aren’t they just amazing? Are they in honor of her recent Playboy shoot, which is confirmed to be a full-frontal and complete back view, too? They supposed to match her labia or something (can I say “labia”? Is that considered an OK word)? Because if that’s the case, I think she should have gone with a flat grey instead of bright, healthy pink. We all know what’s going on down there, let’s not pretend it’s something that it isn’t, alright?

I wonder who Kristen Wiig is dating these days, you have absolutely never asked yourself.

But the answer to this non-question sure is titillating! Why, the SNL ham was spotted with none other than Fabrizio Moretti at a Black Keys afterparty two nights ago. I’m sorry, did I say “spotted with” Moretti? I meant “on.” She was spotted on Fabrizio Moretti.

According to the New York Post‘s source, “They were literally on top of each other.” On top of each other! Literally! My word! Gracious! (Also, they were “canoodling.” But were they literally canoodling? The world may never know.)

Of course, Moretti is the adorable, sometimes-mop-headed drummer from the band the Strokes; he and longtime girlfriend Drew Barrymore split back in 2007.

Anyway. Nice work, Kristen! To many more public makeout sessions! If that’s your thing, I mean.

The very best of Lindsay Lohan’s wardrobe malfunctions over the years. [Celebslam]

Guess who’s having a boy! [Lainey Gossip]

Tom Cruise paid actors to pretend they’re fans. [The Superficial]

… And Beyonce’s paying people to say she’s really pregnant. [Bossip]

Audrina Patridge is still using her boobs to distract you from her face. [Starpulse]

Gene Simmons says Madonna lip syncs, isn’t right for the Super Bowl. [TMZ]

Karina Smirnoff‘s back on the market, guys. [The Blemish]

The Glee men get hot. [theBERRY]

What “celebrity” is headed to jail? [Huff Po]

Ryan Reynolds appears to have a large penis. [Hollywood Dame]

Why Peter Facinelli is actually kind of hot. [Socialite Life]

Britney Spears‘ personal trainer was fired for telling her to go on a diet. [The Superficial]

Rob Lowe, shirtless. Why? You’ll see. [Cele|bitchy]

Kate Winslet’s ‘What If’ was an amazing song. [Popbytes]

Charlie Sheen is a hero. [IDLYITW]

I think a better question would be who isn’t buying the Kardashian nail polish! With color names like “Sealed with a Kris,” “Kim-pletely in Love,” “Khloe Had a Little Lam-Lam,” and “Listen to Your Momager,” these nail polishes will practically sell themselves.

Even more good news: all the Kardashian ladies – Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Kendall, and Kylie – are all in on the deal. The deal which earned these lovely women $600,000 up front to be split evenly between them. And yes, that means that 16-year-old Kendall and 14-year-old Kylie just made $100,000. How does that feel?

One more question: can anyone tell me a nail polish brand that isn’t ridiculously expensive that also won’t chip off five seconds after it dries? Does that exist?

“I was just thinking about my funeral and stuff a couple days ago and thinking who would be at the funeral. People who I want to be in the funeral. I wanna have world leaders that were, like, affected, that said, you know, ‘Kanye gave me my shot here.’ Or ‘he pushed me,’ or ‘he told me to believe in myself,’ or ‘when I saw this, it made me feel like that.’ I wanna affect people like that when I, like, pass away.”

- Kanye West the greatest orator of our generation, discusses the grandiose plans he’s been making for his funeral.

And here’s a bonus quote: “It’s like I’m on a pursuit of awesomeness. Excellence is the bare minimum.”

Is there a company whose sole purpose is to put this genius‘ words on merchandise? Because I would kill to have a coffee mug that read “I’m on a pursuit of awesomeness.” Or a hoodie that says “one day the light will shine through and one day people will understand everything I ever did.” When I get married, my wedding band will be engraved with the words “super dope counterpart,” and when I have babies, I want then to have cloth diapers that read “they try to take my shit out of context.” Now who can I talk to about this business idea?