Uh-oh, everybody. Remember yesterday when I told you about how Russell Brand wanted to take his lady love, Katy Perry, home to London for the holidays? And then Katy was all “f*ck you,” but Russell was all “no, f*ck YOU!” and then they spent Christmas apart? Well, things are looking worse, because, as you can see in those pictures above, both Katy and Russell aren’t wearing their wedding rings.

Katy’s picture came out first, and when I saw it, I didn’t make too much of it. Sure, she was in Hawaii because she blew off her husband on Christmas, but she was still in Hawaii, and if you’re going to be swimming around in the ocean, I think it’s totally fair to remove an undoubtedly insanely expensive wedding ring for safekeeping. But Russell wasn’t in any ocean. He was just strolling around London in a cute sweater, an occasion that provides no such easy excuse for the missing ring.

Word on the street is that things started getting “tense” for the couple towards the beginning of the month and that Katy is “a mess” because of it. In my opinion, that’s ridiculous. As I said yesterday, I think Katy’s been behaving selfishly, and she’s way too immature about so many things. If she actually is a mess, it’s because she’s been treating Russell like shit and Russell finally refused to take it. That’s how the whole thing sounded to me, anyway: Katy’s been touring for so long and Russell accepted that, but now that Katy’s done with her tour and she still apparently doesn’t care to spend that much time with her husband, things aren’t ok anymore. It sounds like Katy is That Girl who acts completely shocked and dismayed that someone decided to call her out on her bad behavior. “What?” Katy would ask scathingly as she narrowed her eyes. “You want me to respect you and spend time with you? Are you new?”

Is it too much to ask for that this couple goes ahead and files for divorce so that Russell can find someone more his speed? Someone who cares enough about him to, I don’t know, spend holidays with him and not hit him for being himself? As some lovely and wise commenters, Mireee and Nicole Peach, said yesterday, “Russell is so articulate and hilarious” and “Team Russell!” Ain’t no truer truths, ladies.

Oh, but here’s the silver lining: I’m pretty sure Katy’s not pregnant. The first time we raised the question was back towards the end of November, and I think if we were speculating back then, she’d definitely be showing by now. Right?

Images courtesy of People

Ok, it’s confession time. Today, I was doing some grocery shopping with the boyfriend (quick question: is he still my boyfriend now that we’re engaged, or is he my fiancé? I mean, I know he’s my fiancé, but are the words interchangeable? Is there a rule about that? I mean, I don’t want to steal Kris Jenner‘s thunder, I just want to know what I’m supposed to put on Facebook when I finally posts the zillion pictures of him with the little guinea pig opening their Christmas presents), and we were trying to decide where the honey would be, and I just stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks because my mind had chosen that exact moment to bring to light this extremely troubling fact: I actually don’t know all that much about Kris Jenner.

I mean, I know that she loves her friends and that she’s often accused of whoring her daughters out for money and attention. I know she cheated on her husband and that Kim is her favorite. But what do I really know about Kris Jenner? Not all that much, it turns out.

Somehow, I managed to return to reality and locate the honey (it’s with the jellies and jams – who knew?!), but I was still somewhat preoccupied. Well, troubled. I was troubled. I dutifully put the new alphabet magnets on the refrigerator and tasted the gross ass protein shake my boyfriend made, but my heart wasn’t in it. With a pain that I felt from my head to my toes, a pain that echoed loudly in the very recesses of my soul, I got online to blog.

And LISTEN. What a beautiful miracle awaited me! Kris Jenner appeared in US Weekly‘s “25 Things You Don’t Know About,” and it is breathtaking. Check it out:

1. My husband, Bruce Jenner, bought me a Harley-Davidson motorcycle for Christmas one year. I crashed it that day.
2. I make a killer guacamole.
3. I have never had braces.
4. I learned how to surf growing up in San Diego.
5. I am deathly allergic to bees and carry an EpiPen with me at all times.
6. I relax by organizing my drawers.
7. I get crazy if someone is late.
8. I keep every card anyone has ever written me. I’m mushy like that.
9. My favorite movie snacks are popcorn and Milk Duds.
10. I sang in my own music video “I Love My Friends” in 1985.
11. I designed every piece of clothing in my Kris Jenner Kollection for QVC, down to the stitching and buttons.
12. My favorite vacation spot is Mexico.
13. My celeb crush is Alec Baldwin.
14. I played a hooker in Cabaret!
15. I get the same three gray hairs colored every two weeks with my hairdresser Alex Roldan – for the last 30 years!
16. I love to wear sexy matching lingerie.
17. My favorite movies are Doctor Zhivago and The Sound of Music.
18. Our Christmas Eve party at home is my favorite night of the year.
19. I make my son-in-law, Lamar Odom, lemon cake once a week. Now I just have to figure out how to get it to Dallas!
20. I feel naked without sunglasses on, even at night.
21. I don’t like mean-spirited people.
22. I collect waaaay too many sets of dishes.
23. I am completely OCD about my surroundings.
24. I find peace in my heart at church.
25. My favorite person on the planet is my grandson, Mason Dash Disick.

Finally, that’s all I have to say. Finally, I know that Kris Jenner was in Cabaret and that she has a crush on Alec Baldwin. It’s like, now if Kris and I ever end up at the same slumber party, I’ll have something to talk to her about, you know? It’s just such a relief.

I never really knew this, you guys, but I’ve been just so pleasantly surprised these past few days to learn what a hopeless romantic that Sinead O’Connor is! First she gets married to a fella she’d only known for a couple of months because, much like Kim Kardashian, she believes in love above all else (including common sense and dignity!). Then she blogs about kissin’ on her new husband’s penis – how flattering! But then, as they say, all good things must come to an end, and a couple weeks later, this beautiful couple’s love light was extinguished. See, Sinead is wise enough to know that if you love something, you let it go, and if it returns to you, then it’s yours.

Sinead’s man probably won’t be returning anytime soon though, on account of he’s an addiction counselor and she scored some crack on their wedding night. Oh, Sinead:

“We ended up in a cab in some place that was quite dangerous,” O’Connor told the Sun. “I wasn’t scared – but he’s a drugs counselor. What was I thinking?”

O’Connor said Herridge became “very frightened” when she wound up with “a load of crack” in hand.

“That kind of messed everything up a bit, really.”

Of course, it’s not totally clear if Sinead purchased the crack or if she was just holding onto it while the dealer was looking for his weed, the drug she was actually looking to purchase. Either way, what happened was crazy ol’ Sinead got hitched and took her addiction therapist husband out on a drug run, and that’s probably what essentially destroyed this sacred union of love.

You know, I hope that Sinead bounces back from this soon. It’s inevitable that she will – as such a strong believer in true love, she’d be impossible to keep down forever – but my fondest wish is that by the new year, Sinead will have found herself a new man. And really, for a lady who requested applications for lovers and included this stipulation:

“Let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I ‘do anal’ and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if ‘doing anal’ wasn’t on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don’t like ‘the difficult brown’.. Don’t apply…”

There’s really nothing she can find besides happiness and success.

But hey, real quick: if Sinead’s ex is this therapist, then isn’t that the craziest thing you’ve ever heard? I know you guys discussed this in the comments, but this guy read Sinead’s crazy ramblings and requirements for a man, decided that he himself was the “sweet sex-starved man” she was looking for (and he likes “the difficult brown,” obviously), reached out to her, began dating her, then married her all in a matter of months. And with his therapist brain, he never once thought “huh, this woman actually seems somewhat unstable.” He obviously thought she was fit to marry, and also he works with children with psychological and emotional issues. I’m sorry, but WHAT?

What, you didn’t know? Apparently, Seventeen has a contest going, wherein Nikki wrote a mini-story and asked the readers to finish it. Big doings, huh? Here’s what Nikki penned:

It had been almost a year since we began dating, but nobody knew about us. Sometimes I would bring it up casually, but he always found a way to twist and turn his words until they morphed into a theory that seemed to make sense. He was good with his words, and I was good at coming up with reasons to believe them. Only a few friends at school were allowed to know about us, and they were mostly hand selected by him.

At the time it made sense, because he was convincing when he spoke about privacy being a persons number one priority. Sometimes I would tell him half jokingly that I wanted to scream it out to the world on a megaphone, because that’s what being in love made me feel like doing. He never smiled at that. Although my mom sensed there was something unusually dark about him, I always argued that it was self-induced. Besides, I couldn’t let myself believe that I was too good for him. He was endlessly charming, and intelligent, and philosophical beyond his years. At least that’s how he would secretly want to be described.

I knew I loved him, and that’s all that mattered. Sure I wasn’t the prettiest girl in the world, but he always said he liked me for that very reason, so I felt content with that. Most of the time that is. One time, I gathered the courage to sing a song in front of him in the lunch room (I had always loved singing), and he laughed and said “…that’s what’s so great about you; even though you aren’t a good singer, you’re not afraid to try.” That’s a compliment right?

Hm. Interesting, huh? Funny thing is, some good friends of ours (and some other theorists, too) think that Nikki’s story isn’t entirely fiction. In fact, a lot of people think that it’s actually about a former romance between her and Robert Pattinson (and not Ashley Greene and Robert Pattinson), and instead of the two being “at school,” the two were actually “on the set.” And wouldn’t that be something. I mean, if you really examine the story (if you even care about these Twilight people, which I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t, just a little bit), it all seems to fit. But would Nikki publicize something so apparently kept-under-wraps so long after the fact? And do you think that Robert Pattinson might actually be that big a douchebag? Does this unravel the whole Twilight mystique for you?

You know what I like about Steven Tyler? You hardly hear about Steven Tyler. The man has even tried to be up-front about the skeletons in his closet—he published a sex/drugs/rock and roll tell-all this summer—but there’s just something about Steven Tyler that makes you go “Oh, huh, OK.” Like, there is almost nothing Steven Tyler could say or do that would make you clutch your pearls or call for smelling salts or otherwise feel titillated in the slightest.

Anyway. Steven Tyler is almost certainly engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Erin Brady. “Oh, huh, OK,” right? The couple has been dating since 2006, though! That’s practically unheard of!

I was watching Inside Edition yesterday (with my mother; yay for the holidays!), and they tried to inject the news with a little melodrama, saying that Tyler’s family is unhappy about the news. Why? Because “Erin Brady is mean.” That was word-for-word what Inside Edition reported. Heh.

I, for one, am happy for the aging rocker.

The whole reason I ended it was out of respect and love for the man,” she told the [UK Sun]. “It felt like I was living in a coffin. It was going to be a coffin for both of us and I saw him crushed.”

—Sinéad O’Connor elaborates on why she filed for divorce from momentary-husband Barry Herridge.

Sinéad. I realize you’re in damage-control mode. You’re trying to get Barry off the hook, to let him come out of this nightmare looking blameless. That’s fine; that’s admirable, even. But “talking endlessly about the divorce” is not the same thing as “handling a divorce with kid gloves.” It’s, like, the opposite of that.

I feel for you, woman. I do. I even have the same tendency to overshare, to analyze things in front of a listening audience until the horse is totally dead. It’s… not attractive. But to borrow liberally from a well-worded reader comment, “find that inner edit button.” Rein it in, sister.

Or get a reality show! There’s always that option, I guess.