Katy Perry teamed with Andy Samberg (and Matt Damon! And Val Kilmer! And even Abraham Lincoln!) for last night’s awesome SNL “Digital Short.” I didn’t LOL or anything, but Katy Perry’s facial expressions slay me. And! Val Kilmer, singing! How I’ve missed you, Val.

Anyway. The song is about meth addiction and time-travel, and I love it. Then again, I almost always laugh at jokes about meth. I think drug references are hilarious. That isn’t weird, though, right? Everybody loves those Harold and Kumar movies.

“[The candidates] all scare me, frankly. I get depressed and scared when I look at the Republican debates.”

—Jane Fonda talks politics with CNN’s Piers Morgan.

Ever since the 1970s, Fonda has been better known for her politics than for her acting (or exercise tapes), but her statement isn’t really very divisive, is it? So far, every candidate stinks.

Where is the controversy? I want controversy, Jane!

Here is the quote that actually made my blood boil:

“I think it’s kinda cool that I aroused a lot of young men at that certain time, but [Barbarella is] pretty tame compared to what we see now. I’d like to remake it. I would. Maybe I will one day.”

What? No! What? I can’t even!

You guys know how I feel about Barbarella. I have been explicit about my Jane Fonda love. But nobody can do Barbarella better than Jane can, and no—oh God, no—I am not saying that Jane should squish herself back into that vinyl unitard.

I mean, Jane looks great and all, but—oh, you know what I mean.

Anyway, a Barbarella remake would just be redundant. There was already a remake anyway: it was called CQ.

Oh, Lea Michele. It is so totally obvious that you are madly in love with Ashton Kutcher (with whom you costar in the universally-panned New Year’s Eve).

And everything you say in this interview is so loaded and desperate. Any guy would crawl through fire to get away from this type of stuff. It is so humiliating. I am actually embarrassed.

Interviewer: What is it about New Year’s Eve? Why do people think of that particular night as magical and special? Etc.

Lea Michele (gazing at Ashton): “I think that people like the opportunity to feel like they have a second chance? That they can do things over, start fresh?”

Girlfriend, knock it off! Ashton just got divorced.

Then this happens:

“What are you going to do for New Year’s?” Lea quizzes Ashton flirtatiously. “Why don’t you come celebrate with my big Italian family and me? They would die.”

Ashton: “I don’t—I don’t know where I’m going to be on New Year’s. I haven’t sorted it out—I was going to try to, like, crash a UFO into the Mayan temples. Just to see how people would react to that? But I decided maybe I didn’t want to work that hard.”

Oof. Lea, that was a dismissal.

This video is so, so, so awkward. I don’t think I can watch it a fifth time, you guys.

Sure enough! Charlize Theron can, and very occasionally does, look awful. No, I know. If I hadn’t seen photographic proof, I wouldn’t have believed it either.

What is going on here? Did someone in the New York Times building make Charlize cry? Because that eye makeup is horrible.

Here is a makeup tip from the pros: “don’t overblend eyeliner under the lower lash line.”

Unless you’re in a screamo band. In that specific case, your blatant misuse of guyliner might make you look like Jared Leto. (But under-eye mascara will only make you look like Ray Liotta. I’m sorry, but it’s true.)

There. You’re welcome.

Also. I have only a few pet peeves, and here they are: one, men in ponytails. Two, eyeliner-under-the-eye. Three, using a suit jacket as some kind of shawl. Did Charlize not have time to put both arms all the way into the sleeves? Come on.

Yes. Yes, I like those shoes. But it is 36 degrees in New York City today, so put those cute little toes away, Theron. Lady, this is sock weather.

I will accept your apologies, Charlize, but only if they are handwritten and delivered in-person.

(Images [obviously!] via Buzzfoto.)

Poor Lindsay Lohan! Has anyone been burgled as frequently as Lindsay? Her home was robbed in 2009, and in 2010 she claimed that her BFF Pootie Aufdenkamp had stolen from her, too. Then, in Cannes last year, someone walked off with Lindsay’s purse.

And! Lindsay was robbed last night, this time in Hawaii. The scoop:

Sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ, Linds had been at a house party in Laie, Hawaii for about two hours—NOT drinking—and accidentally left her $5,000 Chanel purse in the car. When she came out, the purse was gone.

According to sources, the purse contained her passport (and other ID), her probation paperwork—giving her permission to take the trip—and lots of cold hard cash…

UPDATE: I’m sorry, I meant TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, CASH. IN HER $5000 PURSE.

This is pretty serious business, you guys. If Lindsay misses her court date on Wednesday, she could end up in jail. Also, the Chanel purse alone would have paid for nine lip injections.

Ugh, and having your ID stolen when you are traveling is just the worst. One time I was mugged at gunpoint: it was 11 P.M. and I was (uncharacteristically) stone-sober, when my criminal cornered me in a vestibule in an apartment building. It was terrifying. He ran off with my ID, money, debit cards, and phone. That incident indefinitely stranded me in Brooklyn. I mean, I was able to get a new passport and finally fly home, but it’s like, yeah, never again.

Oh. Also, in 2006, my car was stolen from a parking garage. Police found it two years later, just ditched on the side of the road, chillin’. The car was a silver Honda, and its name was Pippin. I miss you, Pippin.

Someone surreptitiously smartphone-filmed actor Keanu Reeves on the subway. You all know how I feel about really rich dudes who ride the subway, right?

So there Keanu was, just chilling in his seat like an everybro, when he noticed a woman lugging a really big Adidas bag. And he asked her if she wanted his seat, and she said yes, and nary a flicker of recognition dartled across her face.

Real heroism is made up of tiny, barely-noticeable acts of kindness, so I hereby christen Keanu Hero of the Day.