GO SHORTY. IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY. And you know something? The only think I probably like less in the world than you, Taylor Swift, is this song and video. It’s horrible.

But Happy Birthday. You dated Jake Gyllenhaal, and he’s hot, and I can’t take that away from you. Plus, you should have a happy birthday anyhow. GET SOME BUB. It might loosen your ass up a little bit.

According to Merriam-Webster (some dictionary people and not non-legitimate word-definers like myself), a “guru” is “a teacher and especially intellectual guide in matters of fundamental concern.” Did you catch that? No? Here it is again: “A TEACHER AND ESPECIALLY INTELLECTUAL GUIDE IN MATTERS OF FUNDAMENTAL CONCERN.”

And in young Ali‘s case, you’re probably wondering what “fundamental concern” means to her. I’m guessing, in my layman’s terms, that Ali’s “fundamental concern” solely lies with what blend of Parliaments to smoke, whether or not to listen to Death Cab for Cutie or the Postal Service (sooooo retro), or sip that Pabst Blue Ribbon. This is all how Lindsay got her start, you know, so …

[I don't know if this actually is Ali's "guru," but it's a lot more plausible to think that than that he's her boyfriend or something.]

This is really great, and I genuinely mean that. I think it’s fabulous that Hilary Duff is out and about, shopping for groceries while pregnant and not wearing six-inch heels. I’m not saying that you have to dress like a slob all the time when you’re pregnant (I mean, for the most part, I do, but that’s beside the point – no one cares what I look like when I go to the bank or run dry cleaning errands in yoga pants and my husband’s old hooded sweatshirts), but it’s really, really great to see someone – a celebrity! – who doesn’t take themselves so seriously that pregnancy is more a fashion statement and a hopeful endorsement for Jenny Craig or Mimi Motherhood or whatever instead.

Or, you know, a sham to make people think you’re this glowing, pregnant Mother Earth when in actuality, you’re so repulsed a fetus changing the dynamic of your body that you make someone else do it, but pretend that you, yourself, are carrying it and constantly confuse how far along you are. I’m just saying.

You go, Hilary-girl!

What do you guys think of Ke$ha‘s contribution to the Bob Dylan tribute album? Because I actually think it’s kind of beautiful, and I usually hate this girl’s music. But there’s just something so wonderfully emotional and bare about this. Probably because she recorded it on her laptop while chilling on her bed:

“I pulled up my Garage Band on my laptop and just sang through the song once.  And by the end of it I was just crying hysterically alone on my bed.”

I’ll tell you, if this is what this tribute album is going to be about, then I am all over it. And here’s another little ditty that makes me want this album all the more: Miley‘s song:

That’s right, Courtney‘s sexiness comes from the soul. It was given to her by God himself upon her creation, so of course it is something she holds very dear.

Other divine powers that Courtney possesses include the ability to maintain her sexy (???) physique on a diet of donuts, ice cream, and Sprite and the ability to nourish her husband as a vitamin. She also obviously was given the gift of song and an unmatched sense of style. Her ethereal beauty is just further proof that she was blessed from the beginning.

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS, DO YOU THINK SHE HOLDS HER POWERS IN THAT TRASHY ARM BAND?!?!?!?!

First of all, you did know that a remake of American Psycho is in the works, right? And I know, the original was made in 2000, why is a remake happening, so on and so forth. But we can’t waste time discussing that now. Because now, there’s a somewhat solid chance that Scott Disick will play the lead role of Patrick Bateman. And that’s just too much.

Here’s what Bret Easton Ellis, author of the American Psycho novel, had to say via Twitter:

Scott retweeted both of those statements, along with his approval of Bret’s wishes. And just in case you think Mr. Bret Easton Ellis was being silly, let me just inform you that last night he also Tweeted about Kourtney and Kim Take New York, which I think is extremely telling.

Ok, now don’t hate me, but I can actually see it. Scott Disick’s entire being just screams Patrick Bateman, doesn’t it? I mean, there’s the look, of course, but somehow I could see Scott being convincing as a serial killer. On top of that, he’s also dropped some references in the past that showed his awareness of the similarities. I’m not saying that he should get the role or that he would have the ability to do it, I’m just saying that I can see where all this is coming from.

What do you guys think? Would you watch Scott Disick as Patrick Bateman? Are you pumped for the remake? Did you see the original? Let’s talk about it.