I have a lot of fun pretending like Justin Bieber is the world’s most beautiful, most wondrous man, but just this once I’m going to drop the act and just say that wow, this kid is the biggest bag of douches* that I’ve ever seen. The way he carries himself, his behavior, even just his little voice in this promo as he talks about making your daughters scream, it’s all just uncomfortable and somewhat nauseating, right?

*Did I ever tell you guys about my first encounter with douches? I was probably 11 or 12, and my cousins and I were giving our grandmother’s house a thorough cleaning because she told us that if we didn’t she’d hit us with the riding crop (and she totally would – I never got the crop myself, the closest I ever came to it was when I refused to eat dinner at her house and offered to receive a little tap if I could just go outside and play, but my cousins definitely did). I was cleaning the bathroom, and I opened the closet door and all these boxes fell and hit me. They were douches. Douches rained from my grandmother’s closet, so I put the back in an orderly fashion, and later I asked my grandma what those things were, and she told me to go outside and hush. I think that’s why the term “douchebag” hits especially hard for me. And that’s my favorite story about douches.

The Dark Knight Rises second official poster. [Hollywood Dame]

Why you should watch The River. [Pajiba]

Somebody Photoshopped the hell out of Matt Damon. [theBERRY]

Jennifer Garner gushes about how wonderful her husband is. [Lainey Gossip]

Cyndi Lauper‘s post-resurfacing face. [Bitten and Bound]

Diddy and Cameron Diaz spotted “making out like teenagers.” [Starpulse]

Some shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal Christmas photos for you. [theBERRY]

Matisyahu shaved his big beard. [TMZ]

Kate Winslet’s ex-boyfriend still butt-hurt. [Socialite Life]

Ashley Greene is apparently a big bitch. [Celebslam]

Pauly D is afraid of Britney’s gitch. [Yeeeah]

Angelina Jolie can’t figure out this internety thing. [The Blemish]

Tom Cruise has the best plastic surgeon ever. [Cele|bitchy]

Michael Fassbender’s naked tortilla. [OMGBlog]

Image removed upon request

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address!

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Lea Michele-Ashton Kutcher photo: Brittany
“Oh my gosh, he thinks I’m funny. Tonight’s the night.”

First runner-up: HHS
Ashton: “And Demi really believed I was being faithful, isn’t that hysterical?”

Second runner-up: Cocopuff
Ashton: “OMG you think I wan’t a relationship?! God no! We’re just gonna do sex. Nice try though.”

Congrats to Brittany! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!

“Ultimately we are each responsible for ourselves and for our actions. Looking back, I probably would have listened to and taken more advice from the people whom I admire and would have followed through with it more. My stubbornness at 18 and 19 years old got in the way. During the past five years, I’ve learned that time flies faster than you think, and because you only live once you have to learn from your mistakes, live your dreams and be accountable.”

- Lindsay Lohan tells Playboy all about her past transgressions.

Ok, but when she says her “stubbornness” got in the way, she really means her experimentation with meth, right? And when she says that during the past five years she’s learned that “time flies” and “you only live once” and that you have to “be accountable,” she really means “nothing.” She means that in the past five years, she’s learned nothing.

I’m glad we figured this one out, guys. Lindsay Lohan going on about how she’s responsible for her actions really confused me this morning. Thanks, as always, for the clarification!

You remember when Adele said that she’s been talking to her ex, the guy she wrote all those songs about? And I said was worried about her? It’s because I actually do worry about Adele, and I sincerely care about her happiness and her well-being. Is that weird? Well, then Julia Roberts and I are just a couple of wacky weirdos, I reckon.

She [Julia] said: “Anybody that’s going to date her is a brave man. You’re going to get a whole lot of love, but you’d better treat her right, or we’re all coming after you.”

Julia became a fan after being given a copy of 21 by her hairdresser — and she’s far from the only one to be blown away by the North Londoner.

Julia explained why Adele has been such a success. She said: “Adele’s music is so personal that you get invested in her life. When Adele had her health scare, I had random people saying to me, ‘Oh my God, did you hear about Adele?’ We feel like Adele’s in our book club or she lives in our neighbourhood — that’s a gift, to make people feel that way.”

I totally feel you, Julia, but why did you have to bring to my attention that Adele isn’t actually in my book club and that she doesn’t actually live in my neighborhood?  What am I supposed to do tonight, not pretend like Adele is coming over to hang out and bake cupcakes and sing to me? Way to be a total bummer, Julia. Ugh.

Can you believe this woman is 41? She looks 14, and I mean that in a good way. This photo here would be Tina Fey (like, recently), wearing no makeup, and she looks better than some of the fame-hardened twenty-seven-year-olds that I’ve seen lately. I wonder what her trick is – avoiding direct sunlight, drinking water, and maintaining a balanced diet, or just a general lack of exposure to toxic family members who like to be pissed on as a part of foreplay?