Sinead O’Connor answers the door in her towel. [The Superficial]

Draco Malfoy and his girlfriend on the beach. [Lainey Gossip]

14-year-old Japanese girl covers ‘Rolling in the Deep‘. [Bossip]

Michael Jordan‘s engaged! [Starpulse]

Lindsay Lohan‘s going to spend the New Year in Dubai. With drugs, presumably. [Cele|bitchy]

Kelly Clarkson‘s big, political ‘oops’. [Huff Po]

While you were out, your cats were throwing a banger. [The Frisky]

Drake’s new girlfriend. [Bossip]

Bai Ling is aching to show you her genitals. [Yeeeah]

Hot men in hot underwear. Enough said, right? [theBERRY]

Beyonce’s mom and sister are shopping for Beyonce’s adopted kid. [INFDaily]

Ashton Kutcher‘s new chick. [Amy Grindhouse]

Rihanna‘s drunken buttsex jamboree. [The Superficial]

LMFAO were almost (literally) flaming. [IDLYITW]

Who had the highest-grossing tours of 2011? [LA Times]

I shouldn’t say this—I shouldn’t!—but in my everyday life, I make constant, consistent jokes at Zooey Deschanel‘s expense.

I don’t know! Recently I tripped over a toy piano and crashed into a tower of yet-unfiled CDs, and I joked I was the “Zooey of Dick Van Dykes.”

Maybe I joke about her because I was a huge Matt Ward fan back in college and now I feel wistful about She and Him. Maybe it’s because I am a natural blonde with dark-dyed hair who dreams of playing the uke and having great bangs. Maybe it’s because I really do play a lap zither and not-on-purpose talk out the corner of my mouth. Maybe it’s because I’m sort of infantilized (not in the adult-diaper way, jerks), you know, just generally and unattractively helpless when it comes to changing lightbulbs on high ceilings. This sort of thing is not totally adorable unless you are a famous actress and singer, unfortunately.

I also know that if I ever say to my friend Robyn “You’re like a Zooey!” she’ll start yelling in public angrily. Especially if I specify, “Your singing sounds a little like the Zooey cotton commercial.” Oooh, poor Robyn. She hates when I say things like that, but for real, Robyn has great dyed-dark bangs.

Yeah, OK, I know we love Zooey around here, but it’s still a lot of fun to make up Zooey Zingers, particularly when I am sitting anywhere near my friend Robyn. But why am I so mean? Why, when Zooey played one of my favorite characters in one of my favorite movies?

Anyway, this time I can’t crack wise about Zooey at all. It’s very frustrating. Here she is with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and they make beautiful music together. Seriously.

I mean, I want to be cruelly dismissive and apathetic; I really do want to act like quirky, winning charm has zero effect on my stone heart. It’s all lies. You’ll love this.

“Sting said that [about hours of tantric sex] 21 years ago. He has just turned 60, and I imagine [the tantric story] will carry on going until he drops. Do you know who I blame for that? Bob Geldof. Him and Sting had gone to do an interview with a rock journalist, and the interview turned into a drinking session. At one point, the journalist asked how long they could go for, and Geldof said he was a three-minute man, but, as Sting did yoga, he could probably go for hours. And Sting said ‘Well, haven’t you heard of tantric sex?’ So Sting explained that it is all about being intimate, about caring for your partner, really engaging in intimacy before you, you know … have sex. And that’s the premise of tantra, really. It’s simply engagement with your partner.”

And there you have it, folks. Sting is not the self-proclaimed sex god that he professed to be decades ago. It was a misspeak and a gradual series of events that made half of the world’s population want to ride atop Sting’s Tantric Golden Stinger. Sorry to burst your bubble, guys, but it’s just not true.

I think it’s going to be a thing around here, maybe, right? Should we do a “Your Daily Gosling”? Does he have enough of a fanbase around here to warrant his own daily post (at least for a little while)? Because honestly, I’m kind of torn these days.

See, way back when Ryan Gosling wasn’t such a thing, I was totally into him. TOTALLY. Back when he was dating a pink-haired Rachel McAdams, and back when his movie repertoire was comprised of a small role in Remember the Titans and a “real” role in Murder by Numbers (which was back when he was hooking up with Sandra Bullock, crazy, right?). That’s when I first sank my hooks into him.

Lately, though, this whole “dating Eva Mendes” thing and doing ‘Funny or Die‘ commercials and ripping …

(more…)

You know what they say – damned if you do, damned if you dye your hair a sort-of unflattering color, and that’s where Snooki is right about now, I’d say.

See, when I think of a red-haired Snooki, I think about that drunken makeout sesh with Deena Cortese for some reason, and that reminder only ruins whatever class I think Snooki could have attained. There’s just some things that you can’t undo, and for me, there are definitely things that you can’t unsee. That’s pretty much everything Nicole Polizzi’s done up to this point, and it’s really sad to know that no matter how much weight she loses, no matter how many times she narrowly avoids doing the duckface and actually smiles instead, no matter how many times she attempts to date “up,” she’s always going to be the same old Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi that debuted in a very ungainly way on the first season of Jersey Shore.

For her, that’s sad. For me, however, it’s customary and it’s perfectly fine. I mean, I just couldn’t imagine a world without being able to bash Snooki for her name, her fashion, her boyfriend, her history, or her source of fame. So keep on keeping on, Snooks, because I plan on being around a LONG TIME, alright, girl?

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Now, damn it, Emily, that’s no Yeezy World Peace! That’s Kanye West, clear as day! I was born at night, girl, but not last night! You’ll have to wake up earlier in the mornin’ to fool me!” And if you’re thinking that, then why are you thinking in the voice that I imagine my grandmother has to take my mind off the fact that she’s heaping piles of food on my dinner plate while calling me Thunder Thighs?

Either way, we’re both right. That is, in fact, a photo of the delightful Kanye West, but don’t you dare call him that. That is, if you want him to spin records at your New Year’s Eve party. See, Kanye has been doing some thinking on his Twitter lately, and here’s what he came up with:

I kinda wanna DJ somewhere this New Years

I don’t want to see any movie that doesn’t have mind blowing special effects… #EVERAGAIN

My New Years DJ name is gone be YEEZY WORLD PEACE! If you book me you have to put YEEZY WORLD PEACE on the E-vite. Or I ain’t spinning.

I’m not sure where his thought about special effects came from, but that’s besides the point.  The point is that Kanye, excuse me, Yeezy World Peace, wants to DJ, you guys!  He’s already come up with his rider and everything:

Ima need a stealth bomber and 2 bottled waters #YEEZYWORLDPEACE’SRIDER

So, you see, Yeezy World Peace needs us to believe in him right now. Yeezy World Peace has dreams, he has things that he wants out of life, and we don’t support Yeezy World Peace, then who will? Do you see?

In a world where Kanye West berates people for throwing business cards on stage, Yeezy World Peace throws rainbows and a wide variety of gourmet chocolates off of his. Where Kanye West lands on lists of the biggest douchebags of the year, Yeezy World Peace lands on lists of the best people who ever existed ever and who also cured cancer and discovered unicorns in nature (he is the only one on the list). Where Kanye West thinks people equate him with Hitler, Yeezy World Peace builds a time machine and uses it to convince Hitler that his views are wrong and invites him to do a collaboration with him on his next album.

Are you with me yet? Yeezy World Peace, you guys. Trust.