Yesterday, Sarah showed you a delightful gallery of photos of Courtney Stodden rubbing herself all over Doug Hutchison, who was dressed as Santa Claus. And it was horrible and a little nauseating but, as always, it was hard to look away.

Well, now we have the video of Courtney rubbing on Santa Claus. And it’s still a little hard to look away, but you might have to, depending on how sensitive your gag reflex is. Because this is the grossest, creepiest little video that ever was. This is the first time since our introduction to Doug and Courtney that I actually had to stop and look at something else because I felt too dirty and too uncomfortable to go on.

So what I’m trying to say is “you’re welcome!”

You remember Britney Spears‘ first husband, Jason Alexander, don’t you? They were married for a blissful 55 hours before the whole thing was annulled because Britney “lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage,” and ever since then Jason has proved himself to be such an asshole. And, you guys, today isn’t any different.

Yesterday I gave you guys those really sweet quotes from Britney’s second ex-husband, Kevin Federline, about her engagement. Today we have Jason Alexander’s opinion on the whole thing. It’s a little different:

“I know everyone wants me to be happy about this, but I am not. I think it’s fake and I think people are afraid to say it. If you look at all the pictures between them there is no connection. They look like they are going through the motions.  It seems like a answer to the court thing. Sort of a nice way to sew it all up she marries her handler.  That way she always has someone controlling her. It’s sort of sad.”

Oh no you just didn’t, Jason Alexander. You need, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you need to take a lesson from K-Fed on this one and be kind and hopeful for someone you supposedly used to love, and if you can’t that, then as Britney so eloquently told you once before, you can kiss her “lily white southern Louisiana ass.”

Oh, and Eva Mendes. Because Eva Mendes is dating Ryan Gosling and she’s definitely sleeping with him because they’re serious enough that she shows up for a quick appearance in this video with him. Oh no, I didn’t just ruin this, did I?

I highly doubt it. Because few things are as lovable as Funny or Die’s Drunk History series, few works of Christmas art are as well known as “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas,” and few things are as creepy as the thought of Jim Carrey dressed as Santa Claus and breaking into your house. This video has everything.

It’s true: on January 14th, we’ll be given the greatest gift of all. Daniel Radcliffe will host Saturday Night Live, and the world will be a better place for it.

Honestly, can you even imagine how adorable and magical this episode will be? Because I can’t. All I can think of is funny but legitimate Harry Potter skits and watching Daniel do his monologue in one of his little precious suits. Maybe a Lonely Island song about Quidditch. I DON’T KNOW, THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

What would you like to see Daniel do on SNL?

You remember what Rooney Mara said about her time on Law and Order: SVU, right? Here, I’ll refresh your memory:

“[Being on Law & Order: SVU] was so awful. So stupid. People are obsessed with that show. I don’t get it. Me and my boyfriend—although I don’t look old enough to have a boyfriend—went and beat up these fat people, and at the end of the show you find out that I used to be obese and I hate fat people. It’s ridiculous. Who would ever do that? Who would beat someone up because they’re fat? And as retribution, they sodomized her. I mean, I’ve been sodomized since the beginning of my career. I should have known then it would come full circle.”

Didn’t she come off like the biggest brat that ever was? Of course she did, but the thing is, now Rooney’s claiming that the whole thing was taken way out of context:

First of all, the “SVU” thing — that’s just not true. That was my first job. It couldn’t have been more exciting for me. It’s an experience I hold very dear to my heart. People take things out of context, and that’s just not the case. I was more nervous doing that job than I was doing this job [The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo] …

“Nightmare on Elm Street” [Mara starred in the 2010 remake of the horror film] was a really hard movie to make, and I didn’t love the experience, but I would never take it back because I feel like I learned something from it and it brought me to my next job. I feel like every job I’ve ever had has led me to the next, and whether you like something or not, you always learn from it, and I think sometimes it’s good to do those jobs that weren’t necessarily easy to make, and you learn the most about yourself from those.

It’s really silly. People, especially with young girls, they feel the need to make them out to be a certain way, and I feel so grateful for any job I’ve ever gotten. I feel grateful for the student jobs I did, I feel grateful for being an extra in some of the things my sister did. I feel like every single job that I’ve done has shaped who I am and has led me to where I am now.

It’s hard to have to talk about yourself all the time and things are out of context, and whatever that quote was, I don’t know, but it’s certainly not what I meant. If anything, I didn’t mean that the storyline was ridiculous; I meant that humanity is ridiculous. I know that ‘Law & Order’ makes their episodes out of real things that are happening in the city, so to me, by “ridiculous” I meant that humanity is ridiculous. People are awful to one another; and to me, I find it ridiculous.

When I first read Rooney’s explanation of this, I thought that was ridiculous. I thought that she was surprised that she got called out for her comment as much as she did, and that she was trying to save face. But after reading her initial SVU quote again, I can actually see how that could be taken out of context. If you read the quote and consider that she’s talking about humanity as opposed to the actual script, then I can kind of see what she means. And she’s been cute and sweet in interviews before, so I think it might be ok to give her a pass on this one.

How are you feeling about Rooney Mara these days?

“I’m really happy for her—I think he’s a great guy. “She’s happy; she’s doing really well. I want to say she’s in a good place. I haven’t spoken to her much since I’ve been over here—both of us have been busy with her being on tour—but I do know from talking to the kids and talking to the kids’ teachers that they’re doing really good. It’s a good step in the right direction. I’m totally happy for her.”

- Kevin Federline expresses his happiness for his ex-wife, Britney Spears, upon news of her engagement.

He also had this to say about Britney’s famous breakdown:

“It was tough,” Kevin remarked about the ordeal. “I had to do what I had to do for the safety of our children. But at the same time, it tears my heart to pieces to watch your ex go through that, let alone watch anybody go through that. It’s horrible. It was a completely dramatic, depressing stage of my life that I’m so glad I’m over and get to leave behind. It was tough.”

And as for Britney’s future husand, Jason Trawick, K-Fed said that he “seems like a really good guy” and that “the kids speak highly of him and her family loves him.”

You guys, I’m going to let you in on something here: I’m crying right now. I am crying real tears because of words that Kevin Federline said. Is this real life? What’s happening to me? Am I alone in this? Am I crazy, or is Kevin actually starting to sound like an intelligent person?