In 1985, to commemorate her 30th birthday, Kristen Kardashian—that’s the future Kris Jenner, natch—recorded this horrific music video, using husband Rob Kardashian’s dough. Truly, Kris could’ve been the Rebecca Black of another decade.
Set to the tune of Randy Newman’s “I Love L.A.,” this off-key ditty is probably titled “I Love My Friends” (Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé are credited with writing the song’s aggressively simple lyrics and catchy refrain). Kris is all mugging and winking, and she treadmills without pants. And yes, most of Kris Jenner’s “friends” are actually stores she likes to shop in. Hmm.
The video’s cameos are blink-and-you’ll-miss-them, but O.J. Simpson is definitely here, enjoying happier times. And who are those three darling little girls? Whooaaa, that was back when Khloé was the littlest Kardashian.
Who knows. Maybe this is The Big Christmas Lead-In. Maybe this year’s Christmas cards will depict Eddie and LeAnn fornicating in front of a flickering fire. There could be worse things, you know. I’m not sure what just yet, but I’m sure there’s got to be something. … Right?
Yes, this is, indeed, the French model-mother of Johnny Depp‘s children, Vanessa Paradis, and she’s doing her business getting some coffee. This is the woman that Johnny Depp’s been committed to in a non-marriage for the last fourteen years. That’s, like, a lifetime to some people. And it makes me feel OLD, because I was totally crushing on Johnny Depp when he was Glen in the original Nightmare on Elm Street, and now I realize that, though Johnny seemed so young then, he’s actually only SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN MY MOTHER. Johnny Depp was born on June 3rd, 1963. He’s twenty years and ten days older than me. How could I have been so naive? HOW?
Anyway, this is about Vanessa today, not about my weird obsession with Johnny Depp when I was ten years old. So in case you were wondering what Vanessa looks like with makeup and probably a variety of Photoshop, have at it:
Some girls have all the luck. And all of the Johnny Depp, too. ‘Cause that’s fair.
Rumor in Wyoming is, Justin Timberlake finally proposed to his beloved, Jessica Biel, at a Jackson Hole ski resort. The rumor itself comes from the Twitter feed of nearby Tayloe Pigott Gallery. Tayloe Piggott looks like a classy enough operation, so this scrap of gossip seems as credible as any.
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