I don’t get it! I just don’t understand what happened!

On December 9 Sinéad O’Connor was happily blogging about oral sex with her brand-new husband. Two days later, she reversed course, blogging that her husband needs his privacy, as he is “a therapist working with very young adolescents” who “must maintain a low profile.”

Now, O’Connor writes, she wants to break the news herself, before anybody else can report it: she’s getting a divorce. I can’t imagine where things went wrong.

Most outlets are saying that the split occurred just 18 days after her wedding. According to the Daily Mail’s math, the marriage really only lasted 16 days, with the relationship ending on Christmas Eve. But as O’Connor tells it—um, on her website, for all the world to see—wedded bliss only lasted three hours. (“The marriage was kyboshed,” she writes, insinuating that there was some marijuana-fueled squabble very soon after the vows were exchanged.)

“He has been terribly unhappy,” O’Connor writes of her future former husband, “and I have therefore ended the marriage. I think he is too nice to do so. And too nice to trap.”

Also: “Publicity over all this could jeopardise his job. Please, don’t do that to him. …He is a private person.” Oh, Sinéad. I don’t think this marriage was ever really in the cards, you dope.

By all accounts, it wasn’t a conventional wedding in the first place: the bride wore pink, and she delivered her vows from the back seat of a pink Cadillac.

This was O’Connor’s fourth marriage.

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address!

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Katie Holmes photo: Whodathunkit
“Dear Diary, Sightseeing … the 50′ Gummi-Penis Monument. Wish I’d brought Suri.”

First runner-up: Crab
“OMG Tom got new lifts in his shoes!!”

Second runner-up: Rob
“When Tom and I have a conversation, this the way he stands.”

Congrats to Whodathunkit! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!

“There will never be a reunion … as I will never do anything with an a—hole like Will Smith. He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up. This constant reunion thing will never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology, which, he doesn’t know the word.”

—Janet Hubert, AKA Aunt Vivian #1, does not care for Will Smith, according to TMZ.

Last week, Emily caught you up on the goings-on of the cast of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and I gotta tell you, my first, honest thought was “Phew! What a relief, that all the major players are still alive!” Especially Uncle Phil, y’know? Oh, Uncle Phil. I worry about you sometimes.

So most of the cast recently reunited for a charity event, and there they all are in the snapshot, together again, looking like One Big Happy. And I admit, I didn’t initially notice anybody was missing.

Aunt Vivian! Aunt Viv is missing! Both Auntie Vivs are missing! THIS IS TERRIBLE.

And here is something I never knew: Janet Hubert, who was Bel-Air’s Original Vivian, was fired in 1993. She was fired unceremoniously, and her role, swiftly recast.

And she’s still angry, apparently. As Will Smith tells it, the former costars have never seen eye-to-eye, but it’s like, come on, Aunt Viv! You’ve been hanging onto that grudge for 18 years! Your grudge can legally smoke and vote! Give it up, lady.

Normally, I love a good pair of boots. Ankle boots, mid-calf, knee-high, even a pair of thigh highs every now and then (Courtney Stodden’s stripper boots don’t count). But these things that are on Ashley Tisdale‘s feet right here? No. No, Ashley. Do those lace up all the way from the toes? What does that even mean?

You want a piece of advice, Ashley? Just go naked. The next time you think these boots are a good idea, just go naked instead. I think you’ll get further in life.

Are you ready for Lady Gaga freestyle? Lady Gaga singing an entire song about having sex with someone? Imagining Lady Gaga riding atop some … thing? Because ready or not, here it is.

Oh, and here are the lyrics, in case you’re unable to listen to the word ‘f-ck’ at work, or if you just don’t want to get yet another one of Lady Gaga’s unoriginal poetry stuck in your head for three days at a time:

Got no plans, got no clothes
Got no piano, we got no shows
No, I’ve got nothing to do
But to be stuck on you

Got no flights, out of here
Got no TV shows until next year
No I got nothing to do
But to be stuck on you

Baby, you’re my liquor
I’m addicted to you
So I’ll just be stuck on
Stuck on f-ckin’ you
Stuck on f-ckin’ you

I don’t ever want just another boy or a girl
Baby you and I,
Baby you and I could change the world
I don’t ever want just another boy or a girl to love
I’m stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck on you

Got all night, no cameras
We got no champagne but we got drugs
No, I’ve got nothing to do
But to be stuck on you

Purple sheets, symbol clock
Gonna spend my time rocking on top
Yeah, I’ve got nothing to do
But to be stuck on you

Baby you’re my Johnny Walker, baby it’s true
So I’ll just be stuck on, stuck on f-ckin’ you
Stuck on f-ckin’ you

I don’t ever want just another boy or a girl
Cause baby you and I,
Baby you and I could change the world
I don’t ever want just another boy or a girl to love
I’m stuck, stuck, stuck on you, On you

Got no plans, got no flights
Out of here, no TV shows
But we got mice in the kitchen
So we don’t care cause we’re in love

You’re in the shower, I meet you there
I buy you some hippie sh-t from the Deli downstairs, oh yeah
Lovin on my man’s space, so good

Don’t forget me baby
Don’t forget me when I leave and go outdoor
Cause I know your life will be a snore
You’ll be on stuck f-ckin’ this hooker wh-re
This hooker, wh-re-ooh

Got no nothing, you’re in the next room
You fell asleep on my tour bus
But me and Fernando and Paul will just spend the day of making music
But I miss you

The fridge is broke and we’re drinking warm champagne
But we don’t care ’cause we’re in Minnesota
And we’re sold out show again
And it’s a sold out show again

Alright then. Oh, and here’s the video, too, I guess. We should probably include it for those of you who actually want to hear the song, even after reading the lyrics:

What do you guys think?

Last week, I jumped the gun a little by telling you that Courtney Stodden was sharing her 12 (wrong) days of Christmas on her Twitter. However, this year, for me, anyway, Courtney Stodden has really become synonymous with Christmas joy, so I really feel like I would be amiss by not sharing with you guys what exactly Courtney’s true love gave to her:

On the 1st day of Christmas my true love gave to me: A pretty pair of pink panties…

On the 2nd day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Two tiny tees…

On the 3rd day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Three thick thesauri…

On the 4th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Four faux furs…

On the 5th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Five frisky flings…

On the 6th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Six Salacious Santas…

On the 7th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Seven sexy swimsuits…

On the 8th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Eight Erotic Elves…

On the 9th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Nine Naughty Nighties…

On the 10th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Ten tickley toys…

On the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Eleven elegant earrings…… Can you guess where the extra earring goes? ;) XOs

On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Twelve tempting truffles… Have a very Merry Christmas everyone! God Bless XOs

And there you have it, friends.  I hope your holiday season is just as lovely as Courtney’s, and that we all have a glorious 2012 together (and yes, Courtney is included. You don’t really think we’re going to leave her behind, do you?).