Ok, it’s confession time. Today, I was doing some grocery shopping with the boyfriend (quick question: is he still my boyfriend now that we’re engaged, or is he my fiancé? I mean, I know he’s my fiancé, but are the words interchangeable? Is there a rule about that? I mean, I don’t want to steal Kris Jenner‘s thunder, I just want to know what I’m supposed to put on Facebook when I finally posts the zillion pictures of him with the little guinea pig opening their Christmas presents), and we were trying to decide where the honey would be, and I just stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks because my mind had chosen that exact moment to bring to light this extremely troubling fact: I actually don’t know all that much about Kris Jenner.
I mean, I know that she loves her friends and that she’s often accused of whoring her daughters out for money and attention. I know she cheated on her husband and that Kim is her favorite. But what do I really know about Kris Jenner? Not all that much, it turns out.
Somehow, I managed to return to reality and locate the honey (it’s with the jellies and jams – who knew?!), but I was still somewhat preoccupied. Well, troubled. I was troubled. I dutifully put the new alphabet magnets on the refrigerator and tasted the gross ass protein shake my boyfriend made, but my heart wasn’t in it. With a pain that I felt from my head to my toes, a pain that echoed loudly in the very recesses of my soul, I got online to blog.
And LISTEN. What a beautiful miracle awaited me! Kris Jenner appeared in US Weekly‘s “25 Things You Don’t Know About,” and it is breathtaking. Check it out:
1. My husband, Bruce Jenner, bought me a Harley-Davidson motorcycle for Christmas one year. I crashed it that day.
2. I make a killer guacamole.
3. I have never had braces.
4. I learned how to surf growing up in San Diego.
5. I am deathly allergic to bees and carry an EpiPen with me at all times.
6. I relax by organizing my drawers.
7. I get crazy if someone is late.
8. I keep every card anyone has ever written me. I’m mushy like that.
9. My favorite movie snacks are popcorn and Milk Duds.
10. I sang in my own music video “I Love My Friends” in 1985.
11. I designed every piece of clothing in my Kris Jenner Kollection for QVC, down to the stitching and buttons.
12. My favorite vacation spot is Mexico.
13. My celeb crush is Alec Baldwin.
14. I played a hooker in Cabaret!
15. I get the same three gray hairs colored every two weeks with my hairdresser Alex Roldan – for the last 30 years!
16. I love to wear sexy matching lingerie.
17. My favorite movies are Doctor Zhivago and The Sound of Music.
18. Our Christmas Eve party at home is my favorite night of the year.
19. I make my son-in-law, Lamar Odom, lemon cake once a week. Now I just have to figure out how to get it to Dallas!
20. I feel naked without sunglasses on, even at night.
21. I don’t like mean-spirited people.
22. I collect waaaay too many sets of dishes.
23. I am completely OCD about my surroundings.
24. I find peace in my heart at church.
25. My favorite person on the planet is my grandson, Mason Dash Disick.
Finally, that’s all I have to say. Finally, I know that Kris Jenner was in Cabaret and that she has a crush on Alec Baldwin. It’s like, now if Kris and I ever end up at the same slumber party, I’ll have something to talk to her about, you know? It’s just such a relief.