Is it me, or does Joe look like he’s trying to head to a happy place in his head while Britney grinds her crusty, leather-clad chode up against the nape of his neck?

This is what happened at Britney’s recent London show, where Joe was a guest star, and later, the victim of her on-stage pole assault. In fact, it was so traumatizing for Joe that it took him hours to recuperate and make an attempt at a half-hearted Tweet “thanking” Britney for her cooties:

What a great night! LONDON! you rule! what a way to end the @britneyspears tour. And.. @britneyspears thanks for the strip tease.. ;)

Yes, thanks. Thanks kind of like, “Thanks for running my foot over with a grocery cart in the cereal aisle, you blind old bitch,” or “Thanks for accidentally telling the boss that my ‘doctor’s appointment’ was actually a spa day, you f*ck.” I get where you’re going with this Joe, and believe me – I feel more than just sympathy for you. I feel embarrassment, too, because your crappy haircut is almost worse than what happened on stage.

And rumor has it that she’s been doing nothing but drinking and partying late into the night while her marriage to The Doofus gradually disintegrates. Come to think of it, neither of these two people are looking all that great lately, so maybe it is high time that they officially call it quits. I’d be damned if I’d let someone – or their actions – ruin what’s supposed to be the best time of my life.

Take the hint, Demi. You’re wasting away. Things will probably not get much better. Even if you’re able to forgive Ashton and move on, this thing is still more than likely to hang like a dead animal between the two of you and shit’s just never going to be the same.

I mean, you see that, don’t you?

I know you guys are probably already sick to death of hearing about Kim Kardashian and her non-committal labia majora, but it’s just so damned entertaining to watch this chick backtrack again and again. Like, this for example:

“This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. I see all of the support and I am so thankful for my fans, friends and family who are helping me through this difficult time.

I am trying not to read all the different media reports but it’s hard not to see all the negative ones. First and foremost, I married for love. I can’t believe I even have to defend this. I would not have spent so much time on something just for a TV show! I share so much of my life on a reality show, that contemplating whether to even film my wedding was a tough decision to make, and maybe it turned out to not be the smartest decision. But it’s who I am! We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments. These were all real moments. That’s what makes us who we are. We share, we give, we love and we are open!

Everyone that knows me knows that I’m a hopeless romantic! I love with all of my heart and soul. I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people.

I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through. But I do know that I have to follow my heart. I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for.

There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this. I’m so grateful to everyone who took the time to come to my wedding and I’ll be donating the money for all the gifts to the Dream Foundation.

I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am.”

So, OK. I’m glad dead daddy dearest is guiding Kim as her inner light and telling her not to settle for anything less than a fairy tale. That’s sweet, right? But see, where I come from, chicks who go around acting like that end up alone and some? Well, some are even committed to asylums. Or at least intensive psychotherapy.

Come on now, Kim. WE SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

You see that purse that Reese Witherspoon is carrying up there? That’s a python, or rather, it used to be, and PETA doesn’t appreciate it. Are you surprised? Because you really, really shouldn’t be.

And now here’s the part where PETA attempts to publicly shame Reese.  Here’s a warning for the more tender readers among us: the middle paragraph is the extremely dramatic and graphic part where they talk about all the python had to go through to be made into a bag:

No matter how much Reese paid for that bag, the animals paid a much higher price.

Every year, millions of snakes are impaled on hooks or nailed to trees by their heads and skinned alive. Hoses are inserted into the mouths of large snakes—like pythons—and their bodies are pumped full of water to loosen their skin so that it will cut away more easily. The animals’ peeled, writhing bodies are then discarded, and it often takes days for the animals to die from the effects of shock and dehydration. We can’t imagine that she’d wish to contribute to this hidden suffering, especially for something as frivolous as a fashion accessory that can be replicated with no bloodshed.

These days, it’s easy to have a look that kills without killing—with fake snake, mock croc, python pleather, and other designer items that pay tribute to the beauty of these animals without massacring them.

I get PETA’s point, I really do, and I completely agree. I don’t think you have to skin a snake just to get a purse (which isn’t all that cute anyway, in my opinion), but there’s a better way to get that point across. You don’t always have to make people physically ill or showcase naked ladies, PETA. There’s more to the world than that.

And really, can you blame him? Poor Kris Humphries didn’t even know that his true love, Kim Kardashian, was actually filing for divorce until yesterday morning, just a few hours before the rest of us found out. And, understandably, Kris is very, very sad about things.

Here’s his official statement:

“I’m committed to this marriage and everything this covenant represents. I love my wife and am devastated to learn she filed for divorce … I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.”

Bless his giant heart, right? Seriously though, I did feel bad for Kris for about three seconds after I read this, but then I thought “wait, it’s these people.” Then I shook my head and thought about how I should paint my fingernails next*.

Here’s a bonus fact for your enjoyment: Kim and Kris first met on Halloween of 2010. That means that these crazy kids met, courted, “fell in love,” got married, and filed for divorce all in one wacky, busy year. Oh, the life of a Kardashian, can I get an “amen”?

*I’ve been water marbling, and it’s super neat!

I don’t know about you guys, but I am crazy excited for We Need to Talk About Kevin, and, just in time for all your crazy post-Halloween shenanigans (are other people having those? I went to the store last night around midnight to get discounted Halloween candy and we’re watching The Human Centipede later, so don’t you be afraid to stretch out that magical holiday as well), we bring you the latest trailer!

Real quick book talk: has anyone else read this novel? I’m in the process of doing so, and so far I’m really enjoying it. I mean, sure, I took a couple breaks to read a Goosebumps book or two (or three), but so far, it’s fantastic.

Do you guys have any similar books or movies that you’d like to suggest? Because in case the mention of Goosebumps didn’t make it obvious, I’m really down with some terrifying entertainment right now.