You know, no matter how always-unsurprising all of this Lindsay-does-not-go-to-jail stuff is, it never fails to fill me with such an inexplicable fury that I actually begin wishing that she finally f*cks up big enough to go to jail for the rest of her WHOLE STUPID LIFE.

Remember how Emily told you guys yesterday that Lindsay was “sentenced” to 30 days in jail and might be blessed with the possibility of being released almost instantaneously? Well the word on the street via TMZ – who just does not lie – is that Lindsay will DEFINITELY be in jail for such a short time that she won’t even have to bother changing clothes:

Lindsay Lohan will almost certainly get out of jail in a matter of minutes … this according to officials from the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department.

Two Sheriff’s Dept. officials tell us … if someone receives a misdemeanor sentence of 90 days or less, they are routinely processed in and then released. As one of the officials put it, “She’ll be out without even having to change her clothes.”

And if the previous statement wasn’t clear enough, TMZ actually spoke to a rep for the Sheriff’s department who confirmed that it’s just about inevitable:

Sheriff’s spokesperson Steve Whitmore just confirmed with TMZ … Lindsay will get in and out of jail pronto, adding the only reason there might be any sort of delay — possibly overnight — is if there are lots of other inmates who are being processed out at the same time.

Isn’t life grand if you’re Lindsay Lohan, folks?

To, like, act. On stage. In a play, I’m assuming, since it’s not a common theme for Broadway theaters to promote crappy independent films that go straight to DVD. According to OTRC:

Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut in November, starring alongside a slew of Hollywood celebrities in a production of the hit “24 Hour Plays” project.

The annual fundraiser, produced by the 24 Hour Company and Freestyle Picture Company for Urban Arts Partnership, sees 24 stars teaming up with six writers, six directors, two musical guests and a production staff to produce six plays. A day later, the actors perform them before an audience.

Fox, 25, joins the likes of Sarah Silverman, “Precious” star Gabourey Sidibe, Tracy Morgan and Jack McBrayer of “30 Rock” and “Social Network” actor Jesse Eisenberg, whose participation in the play will also mark their own Broadway debut.

So, OK. Whew. It’s not exactly a real thing, and it’s not too much to even mention, so how about we change the subject, huh? How about we talk about how sweet and chubby Megan’s face has gotten lately, and how much I totally bet it’s due to facial fillers and not all the “weight” that she’s put on recently. I know she’s bending over backwards trying to gain sympathy and admiration from those with an actual body fat percentage, but faking it just isn’t the way.

What’s the verdict?

Justin Bieber‘s a drunk, now, too. [The Superficial]

She’ll cozy up to anyone ,now, won’t she? [Lainey Gossip]

Nick Cannon‘s still talking about his marriage to Mariah Carey (don’t worry, dude, I still can’t believe it either). [Starpulse]

Hot photos of Zooey Deschanel‘s rack. She’s single now, you know. [The Superficial]

Jonah Hill in a 21 Jump Street trailer that’ll blow your mind. [ICYDK]

First photos of Kate Gosselin on her new job – aye how the mighty have fallen. [INFDaily]

Snooki throws The Situation under the bus for the 4,862nd time. [Huff Po]

It’s all about the Benjamins, baby. [CDL]

A haircut to make you cry a little. [Lainey Gossip]

Lucy Liu does a movie. [Caught on Set]

Brooke Mueller‘s desperate for you to see her tits. Seriously. [Celebrity Rant]

Justin Bieber’s babymama photos. They’re … flattering. [The Blemish]

Weston Cage completely loses his shit. [Cele|bitchy]

Ew, seriously? How does this guy get any girlfriends that aren’t Lindsay Lohan? Yes, and no, I’m not going to let him live that one down. Whatever, what do they say, second time’s the charm? And if that’s so, what’s third time, then? Super-duper amazing meant-to-be-ness with douchey-looking guys that are most known for playing a dude called “Fez”?

Check out the photos in the gallery which depict Fez being all creepy and what not eyeing the cameras while sucking the face off of his “girlfriend.” This is gonna end well.

So I’m wondering – will PETA support this ad and think it’s just super, or will they get angry for the mistreatment of fake mermaids? I never can tell what those crazy bastards are going to do next.

Anyway, the photos are for the cover of Visionaire 61, which is some kind of high-end art rag (I guess?) and is, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest magazine published at a whopping 36 inches by almost 50 inches and also 57 inches by 79 inches. What does this tell you? SOMEBODY HAS TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS.

“I don’t think I’m ready to go into details of what went on in my marriage.”

Kim Kardashian on (what else) her brand-new divorce. What I say, now, as if there was any question to begin with, is that this whole damn thing is BULLSHIT. You know the kind, stinking, steaming-in-the-autumn-air pile of DUNG.

I mean, first the reason was “private,” then the reason was because she felt rushed and pressured, and now there’s supposed to be some kind of big scandal behind the actual reason she dumped her poor, clueless troll like Khloe’s used Chinese takeout boxes? Now she’s insinuating that “details” actually happened in this two-month-long marriage? What the hell kind of “details” were there time for? Please. If this doesn’t completely REEK of publicity stunt, I’ll eat my dad-gum laptop.

Also, it’s amazing how Tums really do squash heartburn instantly, because after reading this quote I seriously threw up in my mouth a little bit. Thanks, GlaxoSmithKline, you’re totally the most.