Andy Rooney—the lovably cantankerous fogey best known for his commentaries on “60 Minutes”—has died. He was 92.

Last month, Rooney announced he would no longer contribute regularly to the newsmagazine. According to CBS, Rooney passed away Friday night from “complications following minor surgery.”

From Rooney’s final broadcast, which aired last month:

When I went on television, it was as a writer: I don’t think of myself as a television personality. I’m a writer who reads what he’s written.

People have often told me I said the things they were thinking themselves. I probably haven’t said anything here that you didn’t already know or [haven't] already thought. That’s what a writer does. There aren’t too many original thoughts in the world. A writer’s job is to tell the truth. I believe that if all the truth were known about everything in the world, it would be a better place to live.

(Image via Planet Pit.)

Please. Please, please, pleasepleaseplease let this be true: Jennifer Lopez is slated to produce the upcoming Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego live-action movie, and she might even star.

Just ruminate on that one for a moment. (And as you do, here is some Thinking Music.)

Aside: a few years ago, I picked out a heavy, woolen trenchcoat at the Burlington Coat Factory. It was affordable, and I figured it would look super cute with thigh-high boots! As I took the coat to checkout, I spied the label: “JLO.” Did I ultimately buy the coat? Abso-freaking-lutely.

Reasons Jennifer Lopez should play Carmen Sandiego:

- JLo already dresses like her, natch.
- ??????
- Profit!

Well, well, well! I logged into the ol’ photo-wire this morning, and imagine my delight to find the sad, cold eyes of one Mariah Yeater staring back at me.

Here’s the accompanying caption (courtesy of Getty):

In this booking photo provided by the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department, Mariah Yeater, 20, poses for her mugshot after being arrrested [sic!] for Battery Domestic Violence, Injury/Destroying Property and Threatening Telephone Calls on December 21, 2010 in Las Vegas, Nevada. Yeater has filed a paternity lawsuit against singer Justin Bieber.

Why, a booking photo from 11 months ago, you say? I’m no mathemagician, but that’s rrrrrright around the time Justin Bieber‘s alleged baby, Tristyn Yeater, became a twinkle in his mother’s uterus. Yeah, this girl doesn’t seem like a creepy extortionist at all.

Oh, OK, here: according to TMZ, the arrest occurred after Yeater slapped then-boyfriend John Terranova and also, uh, broke a car window. At the time, she believed the child was Terranova’s.

All right, woman. You want fame and notoriety, you got it, I guess.

I’m not really interested in acting. […] I don’t want there to be films. It’s not like I’m looking for opportunities to do things. …I would like an opportunity to have a good sleep and get on with some writing.

—The enigmatic, somewhat-otherworldly Tilda Swinton, on how she totally plans to quit acting, you know, one of these days.

Anybody else, Tilda. If anybody else talked like this—anybody else—my eyes would roll so hard, they would roll right out of my head and down the stairs and out into the street and then steal a car and drive away. But on you, Tilda, this sort of thing is kind of completely charming.

Really, this quote isn’t as bratty as it looks. Because when Tilda says that she keeps getting sucked into “schemes” and “basically it’s gone on for 20 years but I’m hoping to pull it to a close shortly,” I feel like she shows her hand. She’s being—well, not facetious, exactly. Maybe it’s more like, acting is this terrible codependent relationship Tilda Swinton knows she’ll never leave, and her wry little threat to ditch filmmaking is Tilda’s way of being cute.

P.S. Today is Tilda’s 51st birthday. Happy birthday!

Oh man, I am too excited for this one, so let’s not waste any time with the preliminaries:

While some celebs are finally acknowledging new additions to their families, others are in denial about their parental status. Well, here’s some info about one in particular that may add some fuel to the parental fire.

Is he really the father of this baby? As a matter of fact, he might not be the father. The new mom actually did have sex with another guy the week before she had sex with the celebrity. She is “pretty sure” that the celeb is the father… but there’s a chance that it’s the other guy.

Good news, right? Not so fast. Even if the celeb is cleared as the father, he’s still in a world of trouble. Why? Because this was not the first time he’s picked up a fan and had unprotected sex with her. The story that this girl is telling is absolutely true… and there are plenty of other girls who have had a nearly-identical experience with this same celebrity.
That means that there are an awful lot of people who are going to need to get paid off so that the celebrity doesn’t come off looking bad. And, while he’s at it, perhaps he should also consider paying for their medical bills. Because while the other girls didn’t wind up pregnant, some did wind up needing prescriptions.

JUSTIN BIEBER. Can you believe it? Justin Bieber actually did knock up good ol’ Mariah Yeater, and also he has diseases of the sexual variety, and also he’s growing up into the strong young man I always knew he would be. At least, that’s what I’m choosing to believe.

You got anything else?

Can’t you just see it now? Bruce Willis just railing into Ashton for all his indiscretions, getting just a little too in his face, landing a few of his Bruce Willis spit bubbles on his face because he can’t contain his anger? You can see it, right? So is it sadistic to giggle?

Let’s get into all the glorious details, from the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Bruce Willis demanded – and got – a face-to-face butt-kicking showdown that left Ashton Kutcher shaking like a leaf after the “Die Hard” star confronted the smarmy party boy/cheater about dissing Demi Moore via his closerthanthis sleazefest with bigmouth Sara Leal! “Ashton kept avoiding Bruce’s calls and texts, but finally agreed to meet his wife’s ex-husband at a private location,” said a close pal of the couple. “Bruce was livid! He reamed Ashton for his cheating – and humiliating not just ex-wife Demi, but his three daughters as well. He went at Ashton full force, giving him no time to make excuses for his embarrassing behavior, demanding that he get his act together fast! Ashton finally broke down in tears, weeping uncontrollably as he begged forgiveness. [Ashton is] devastated because Demi’s consulted a divorce attorney [and] begged Bruce to step in and stop her from committing to a separation. He reportedly vowed to Bruce. “I will NEVER, EVER cheat again!” Said the source: “Bruce isn’t ready to shake hands with Ashton just yet, but he did speak with Demi and advised her that if she decides to try keeping her marriage intact, she should seek traditional marriage counseling – not just the Kabbalah counseling they’ve been doing.”

Ashton Kutcher. Shaking like a leaf. Breaking down in tears. Weeping uncontrollably. Begging forgiveness. The only way that mental image could get any better is if it ended with Bruce Willis flailing around like a douchebag and screaming “you just got PUNK’D!”