Which test, you ask? Why, baby Tristyn Yeater’s paternity test! And honestly, I’m a little shocked, because—I’ve said it before—I don’t think the Biebz should even deign to acknowledge Mariah Yeater. I mean, even if Bieber does actually bang all his tween fans backstage (yawn), this Mariah Yeater character is pretty clearly nuts. I figure we should do our best to forget about her. Zzz.

All the same, Bieber is going the high road and taking that paternity test anyway, according to his lawyer. There’s a method to Bieber’s madness: once he proves he isn’t the father of Yeater’s child, he reportedly plans to sue her ever-living pants off.

And to this I’m like, “Ha!” but I’m also like, “Seriously?” I mean, Yeater’s move was an obvious, calculated cash-grab. She’s a violent kook, sure, but she’s also a struggling single mom, already facing permanent financial ruin. And no matter who you are, babies are not collateral. Sigh. I guess what I’m saying is, somebody needs to rescue that poor infant.

Demi Lovato has been through a lot lately. And because I always applaud reinvention, I have to hand it to her brand new hair: she looks like Ariel. She does! It’s very Feria, but I mean this in the nicest way.

Demi, if you’re out there? Listen up: please drop that 31-year-old dead weight. You and your new fiery-red mane deserve so much better. This is Real Talk. And if dying your locks Manic Panic green is what it takes to muster all that resolve, by all means, do it, sister.

Here is a sad admission: I DON’T LAUGH THAT OFTEN. But this? This Saturday Night Live sketch from last night’s episode? Oh, I belly-laughed. I may have even guffawed. It was terrible, and I’m sorry. Except for, Kris Jenner is kind of the worst ever, and boy oh boy, did I laugh at Kristen Wiig’s version of Kris Jenner. Meanwhile, Andy Samberg’s limited talents (sorry!) were perfectly utilized in his portrayal of Kris Humphries. Oh, my God, and then Taran Killam as Bruce Jenner. Oh, my God. Just watch. (Charlie Day hosted.)

No, I do feel bad for laughing. I feel awful, actually: Kim Kardashian has reportedly flown to Minnesota to love-tackle (that’s a basketball term, right?) estranged husband Kris Humphries. Kim feels she was brash in ditching her husband of 72 days, evidently, and while this doesn’t signal a real reconciliation, I’m actually relieved that Kim is at least sort of trying.

I missed the last few episodes of “Kids React,” and I’m still waiting for this Sunday’s (they’re weekly, and this week’s isn’t online yet). But maybe we really should take a look at last week’s episode. I’m a child of the ’80s and/or ’90s, so I’m a sucker for “Very Special Episodes,” you guys.

This time, instead of screening some awful Lady Gaga clip, the Fine Bros show their panel of kids that one viral video in which a larger, much abler teen—then-10th-grader Casey Heynes—violently plunks his comparatively runty tormentor onto the concrete.

Remember that video? It’s maybe eight months old now, but damned if it didn’t strike an ugly, vindictive chord in every adult geek I know. And I’ll tell you the honest truth: I have that video saved to my laptop. I remember I felt conflicted in watching it, but I really was glad Heynes finally got his drop-kick in. (So this probably isn’t a healthy or useful attitude to have, OK.)

Most episodes of “Kids React” are funny, but even when they aren’t, they’re always illuminating. And over the months, I’ve become really attached to some of these precocious little squirts. So when my favorite mouthy, tousled tow-head (Jake, now 12) talks about his own bullying experiences, it kind of drives a stake into my weak, pale little heart.

(more…)

She’s done it yet again: somehow I’m still talking about Courtney Stodden. I don’t know, you guys. Anytime I do, I hurt and offend myself.

This time, Courtney Stodden wants to prove to you that her magnificent rack is rill. (For a long time, I believed it was, actually, but these days? Eh.)

So get ready! Get set! Courtney has delegated none other than Dr. Drew Pinsky—the most credible medical authority around!—to help her prove to ye disbelieving masses that her gazoombas are genuine. Reports US:

On Monday’s episode of Pinsky’s Lifechangers, Doug Hutchison, 51, looks on as his wife gets an ultrasound on TV to prove her breasts are real.

“A knife has never touched this body,” Stodden confirms in a preview clip from Monday’s show.

While the results of Stodden’s ultrasound won’t be revealed until the episode airs, Lifechangers doctor John Diaz admits he has his doubts about Stodden’s bod. “Like most people, when I saw the pictures, I did suspect that you had some breast augmentation,” he told the aspiring singer.

And there you have it: Courtney is pulling a total Kardashian, all in the name of Science. Are her boobs real? Can you even wait to find out?? I can’t believe I have to wait one whole day!!!

(Image up top via A Nice Ring to It.)

The Anonymous Entertainment Lawyer at Crazy Days and Nights, who has a nose for these things, writes,

Which Jersey Shore star is fond of saying, “It is not gay if someone else is doing the sucking,” whenever he is questioned about some of the people he has gone out with.

HA HA HA HA HA!

OK, I really have no idea who Enty is talking about here—but then again, there are only four dude castmembers on “Jersey Shore.” So! If I were to make four guesses, 25% of my guesses would be correct. Those are terrific odds. Alternatively, I could spend all four of my guesses on Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino, and then maybe I would be 400% right. Just sayin’.

Don’t get me wrong. I know sexuality is located on a larger, fluid continuum—Ha! Fluid! But seriously, I read “Savage Love,” you guys—and some perfectly heteronormative dudes are totally comfortable getting a beej from other dudes. That’s called being secure. But in the case of “Jersey Shore,” it could also be called “putting your penis, oh, just anywhere.”