And now they’re doing it in PARIS. Isn’t that just sultry and smoky and romantic? Doesn’t it make you think of patisseries and antebellum-like architecture and gold-leaf patterned cafe-ware? It should. It should also make you think of Ryan Gosling sticking it in someone who probably can’t rub two brain cells and a book of matches together to cause a spark enough to power the wheel that the demented-assed mouse runs on inside her pretty little head and it should make you angry.

And if you’re wondering if I’m a bitter old harpy that’ll never even set her sights on the gorgeous Ryan Gosling, you’re right. Well, on the bitter part, at any rate, not the “setting her sights on Ryan Gosling” part. That happened, but there were just no sparks, guys. It was dark and I was in a hurry, what can I say.

Images courtesy of Lainey Gossip – and they’ve got a ton more of ‘em, too.

I was 14 years old when I saw Titanic in the theater, and instead of sighing at how romantic it was, I instead tee-hee-heed all movie long.

There is only one scene in Titanic that I remember with any clarity whatsoever. And that is the part where Rose says to Jack, “I want you to draw me wearing this”—where “this” is a necklace—and then Rose’s voice drops to a sultry new register, and she intonates, “ONLY THIS.” And then Jack sketches Rose with a wildly professional ferocity, and then they do it in somebody’s car, and then Billy Zane shows up and he’s like, “Ooooh, I’m so mad!”

Every time I look at this nudie sketch of Lady Gaga—which was drawn by Tony Bennett—all I can picture is that one scene in Titanic. Evidently, Annie Leibovitz arranged their little fine art session; Bennett’s drawing will appear in an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair.

Bennett duetted with Lady Gaga on Duets II‘s “The Lady is a Tramp” (it’s good!), and he’s basically been gushing about Gaga ever since.

“She is the most beautiful person I ever met,” Bennett said of Gaga during her Thanksgiving TV special, adding that she is “America’s answer to Picasso.”

(Image via the Daily Mail.)

I cannot imagine why these magazines are still running cover stories and photo featurettes even now, after it’s confirmed that Kim Kardashian‘s career is practically over. Oh, wait, right – because they already paid for this slimy-assed BS and probably have no other choice but to run it. I mean, it’s not as if they’re going to get anyone good in such short order. Whatever. I’m so over all of this, and this interview is sort of the cherry atop the whipped cream atop the gut-busting sundae that you just don’t need to eat, and the following quotes are hand-picked to be the best. Enjoy them in all of their absurdity!

[Kim] “I think I’ll always be a hopeless romantic. … It means that I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed. I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.”

[Khloé]: I love Kim’s belief in love and the fact that she feels so strongly about it. She has that dream every girl has.

[Kim] “At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I’m not supposed to have kids and all that.” Editor’s Note: She’s JUST coming to this conclusion now?

I could go on, but I just about regurgitated Thanksgiving dinner (it’s still totally sitting there like a damned rock) when I heard all of the “poor me”-ing and “love and butterflies, not money and fame” bullshit. You can check out the rest of it here if you’re still looking for a good diuretic that’ll help with the post-holiday clog.

Usher doesn’t deserve his kids. [TMZ]

How much the 12 days of Christmas would actually cost you. [The Frisky]

Courtney Stodden is a good Christian woman. [The Superficial]

Guess who the most Googled star in the world is. [Starpulse]

Angelina Jolie in all of her natural beauty. [Lainey Gossip]

Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard had sex again. [LA Times]

10 Days ’til Community done. [Pajiba]

Kim Kardashian forced Kris Humphries to be on her stupid show against his will. [Amy Grindhouse]

Demi Lovato loses some weave in public. [Yeeeah]

Taylor Momsen‘s opening for Guns ‘n Roses these days of course. [The Superficial]

Ashley Greene is on Pan Am. [IDLYITW]

Lady Gaga‘s never been cherished by a lover. [Cele|bitchy]

Miley Cyrus was backed into a corner and betrayed I guess. [Lainey Gossip]

“I don’t know. By the way, I enjoyed my first marriage. It’s definitely not something I regret. The experience was ultimately very positive. I love the kids that came out of it, and I could see no other route to take. But you move on, don’t you? You’re right, I stepped into a soap opera, and I lived in it for quite a long period of my life. I’ll probably be more eloquent on it 10 years from now. When you end up with a lot of the things you set out to chase and find that you’ve stumbled into all sorts of hollow victories, then you become deeply philosophical. I’m quite happy that that experience was accelerated for me. I’m glad I made money, in other words. And I’m glad I got married.”

This would be Madonna‘s most recent ex-husband, talking about what it was like being married to the Queen of Pop. While I think there’s probably a lot more to it than just that, I think he kind of clued us in on the fact that marriage to Madge was more than likely a f*cking three-ring circus, but a three-ring circus that made him rich in the end, and that’s apparently what mattered at the end of the thing.

Oh, that, and the kids. You go, Guy?

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address!

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Selena Gomez-Nicki Minaj-Katy Perry-Taylor Swift photo: Jak
“iBlow. iSuck. iPop. iWatch.”

First runner-up: Queasy
“Taylor wondered why Katy had brought a Nicki Minaj sex doll to the AMAs instead of Russell.”

Second runner-up: Chris321
“The girls looked on in horror as the crew of 40-something men stripped down to thier underwear. Taylor was concerned about Nicki’s wig falling off with all the shock.”

Congrats to Jak! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!