I have a quick story. It doubles as a cautionary parable, though, so stick with it:

When I was 18 and away at college for the first time, I was thrilled to finally be outside my parents’ reach. So, as many incoming college freshmen do, I went out of control. I pierced my ears! I ate ice cream for breakfast sometimes. And sometimes—don’t tell my mom!—I played Atari before I did my homework.

That same autumn, Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem for a Dream came to theaters. I was so excited! I couldn’t wait to see my first NC-17 movie! So five or six of us freshmen met up, boarded the train together, and headed into the big city to buy our tickets. I remember the train ride into Chicago: everyone was laughing, jostling one another, slapping high fives. We were all so full of hope back then.

Then we watched the movie.

On the train ride home, we were silent. We couldn’t bring ourselves to speak; we couldn’t even look at one another. We were scared witless. I am pretty sure we also sat as far from one another as possible.

I never saw any of those students ever again. We all literally never spoke again.

In the years since, I have always advised friends who are thinking of watching Requiem for the first time to just, uh, try not to watch it with someone they think they might like. Take it from me: it is far too easy to project the trauma of watching that movie onto whoever was sitting next to you at the time.

Well! OK! I think you’re all set to watch some anti-drug PSAs directed by Darren Aronofsky now! (After the jump! Whee!)

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It seems that shortly after Brett Ratner‘s parade of disgusting and offensive comments that eventually led him to resign from his job as producer of the Oscars, his creative partner, Eddie Murphy , also decided that he didn’t want to play anymore.

Let’s let Eddie break the news in his own words:

“First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.”

For those of us who felt a great amount of disappointment and disgust when we first heard that Eddie Murphy would be hosting the Academy Awards, this is a great moment. We are free once more to enjoy the pretty dresses and moving acceptance speeches and sometimes entertaining entertainment without the taint of Eddie Murphy*. It truly is a glorious day.

*I am so sorry for any mental images that might have caused.

Jennifer Love Hewitt looks awful here. There, I said it. For those of you who still thought that Jennifer paid us to say good things about her, well, I hope you learned your lesson. For better or for worse, nobody tells us what to think, friends, and at this point in time, I think that Jennifer Love Hewitt needs to get out of that ridiculous hot 80′s mess of a frock and hop back into one of her beloved bandage dresses. Except wait … is this a bandage dress as well? Goddamnit, Jennifer! Where did you leave your shame this time?

On a related note, Jennifer is currently working on producing and starring in a television series on Lifetime based on her Lifetime movie, The Client List. Is anybody going to be tuning into that mess?

“I don’t think anyone was surprised. I mean it is heartbreaking, but Kim and Kris are like Gary [Shirley] and me. Total opposites. One is a diva and the other is a down-home guy.”

- Amber Portwood compares her relationship with good ol’ Gary to the relationship between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

Can we get Amber a job as a guest blogger? Or could someone give her a job on The View or something? I never would have guessed, but after this little snippet and some imagination, I figure that there’s probably not anyone else I’d rather hear report on some gossip than the trainwreck that is Amber Portwood. Can you think of anyone? I’m open to suggestions here.

Additionally, when E! asked Amber who was the diva, her or Gary, she responded with “Well, Janice Dickinson told me I’m a diva, so I guess I’d have to say I’m the diva.” And that’s how you pull together a Teen Mom, a Kardashian, and the always marvelous Janice Dickinson to form a new holy trinity of trashy fabulousity.

I know, I know, it’s a lot of vampire talk, but Breaking Dawn comes out in just a little over a week: what do you expect? For the next little bit, the gossip world is going to be flooded with vampire anecdotes and werewolf tales, so I suggest you just settle on in and listen to Robert Pattinson tell you all about it:

On the sexiness of vampires: “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a vampire movie where I think the vampires are attractive. OK, girls are sometimes kind of sexy, but guys end up looking worse than they do in their real life with the pale make-up and the fangs. I’ve watched True Blood and all those guys are great looking, but you put vampire make-up on them and they look less handsome on the show than they do in reality.”

On his sex scenes with Kristen Stewart: ”I think the more comfortable you are with each other, the harder it gets to do any kind of really intense relationship scene. You’re kind of thinking, ‘I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of this person,’ ‘I know what she’s thinking now,’ so it becomes ridiculous after awhile. Watching other people have sex is never going to be that spectacular anyway. It’s a strange thing when there’s so much hype about it. You are like, ‘God, I hope this lives up to it.’ The toughest part was avoiding an R-rating. It’s funny when people talk about the sex scenes in the book because there are no sex scenes in the book. Go back and read. They always fade to black.”

On getting Edward’s body: “There are so many descriptions in the book of Edward’s statuesque body — it’s all made of marble, blah blah blah. I managed to get through the entire series without taking my shirt off the whole time. I was like, ‘Nah, I’m not taking it off ever, and I’m not working out!’ Then, when we did Breaking Dawn, I thought, ‘It’s the last one, I might as well.’ So I kind of worked out to bulk up a little for those scenes with my shirt off. I stopped literally the day afterwards. I find it very boring to work out.”

On the Breaking Dawn wedding: “The majority of guys who are getting married would have the same experience that I did, which is that you’re just standing there waiting at the altar. It’s not about you at all. Kristen has to do all the heavy lifting. She’s having to go through everything walking down the aisle, and I’m just standing there, ‘You look really good! Let’s get married! Cool!’ It was quite simple for me.”

On being old-fashioned: “I guess I must be because everyone is always telling me that Edward is kind of old-fashioned, but I always see him as fairly normal. I mean, he just knows what he wants. He’s in love with someone and he just likes the idea of getting married to them. I guess I kind of agree with that.”

On the end of Twilight: “The one time we filmed in nice weather was literally the last day of production. Kristen and I were on the beach and just making out all night. That’s not too bad. It was just the two of us and it was really nice. Everybody stayed to watch the sunrise, which was really beautiful. It was a nice ending.”

On the future: “I feel like I’ve kind of been in a whirlwind for so long, even though I’ve done other movies in between. Whenever you promote something, they always want you to talk about Twilight, so it’s kind of constant. I am living a life which I didn’t really know existed. You can kind of delay being an adult for quite a while.”

And today, my love and respect for Robert Pattinson grew just a little bit more. Well played, Rob. Very well played.

Were you worried when I told you that Adele was going to have surgery on those pesky vocal cords? Because I was. I was concerned that something was going to happen to my precious goddess, that her beautiful voice would be somehow damaged or ruined. But things are cool because she went to Boston, got some lasers pointed in her throat, and now she should be good to go:

“Adele underwent vocal cord microsurgery by Dr. Steven Zeitels to stop recurrent vocal cord hemorrhage (bleeding) from a benign polyp. This condition is typically the result of unstable blood vessels in the vocal cord that can rupture. Based on the advice of her doctor and voice therapist in the United Kingdom, Adele came to Boston to consult and undergo corrective voice surgery with Dr. Zeitels, the Director of the Massachusetts General Hospital Voice Center. … Dr. Zeitels expects Adele to make a full recovery from her laser microsurgery.”

I can’t be completely sure, but I’m pretty sure that this is the part where we all fall to our knees and thank our personal deities that Adele will go on to amaze us all another day. Alternately, if that seems like too much for you, you can just listen to “Someone Like You” for the rest of the day and have a good long cathartic cry. It’s all about what feels good for you.