A few years ago I planned an intimate gathering at my house that ultimately turned into a massive houseparty to include practically every friend and acquaintance I’d ever made or known in life.

About an hour into the party, a group of friends began reminiscing “Hey, do you remember [fill in the blanks]? Jeez, I wonder whatever happened to them – God, I haven’t seen them in ages.” It became a game when we decided if we could somehow network a connection to these people via other human channels, and invite them to the party. A few hours later, our “intimate” group of twenty had turned into a raucous, pulsing crowd of nearly sixty. And the game continued. And it was fun. And then my best friend decided to pull out the big guns – “Whatever happened to that REALLY, REALLY HOT guy you used to date back in ’99, Sarah, [name redacted for privacy purposes]?” I’d always had this uncanny knack for remembering phone numbers, and his wasn’t an exception. “Call ‘em up,” I said. She did, indeed, “call ‘em up,” and twenty-five minutes later I received a call from said best friend, who left to meet him outside of town. They’d evidently met and he’d stopped at a convenience store for more beer when she called me to tell me the pickup had been made. “Heshurditrirted,” she said, or what it sounded like anyway. “What??” I squawked, cigarette hanging out of my mouth, jamming my index finger into my free ear, trying to block out the party noises. She repeated herself, a bit more loud this time: “I said ‘HE SURE DETERIORATED’.”

You know, it’s funny how certain memories crop up when you see certain photos. I mean, I probably hadn’t even thought of that incident in eight years until I just saw this photo of Lindsay Lohan, and the only reason it even came to mind right now is because that eerily prophetic statement came back to haunt me the moment I laid eyes on this picture.

Scary how that shit happens, you know?

On that note, let’s take a moment to really remember who Lindsay Lohan used to be*, shall we?

Other potential titles for this post include:

Liam Neeson is Pissed
Liam Neeson Has a Toilet Accident
Liam Neeson’s Newest Project is Titled ‘You’re in Nation‘
Liam Peeson
I Looked Liam Neeson Up on Wookiee-PEE-dia Today
Liam Neeson: Stall Wars

Yeah, I know most of them were ultra cheesy, but you know what? I LAUGHED MYSELF INTO THE BATHROOM envisioning some of these titles and that, my friends, is no joke at all.

Kanye‘s an expert on boobs now. [The Superficial]

Kris Jenner profits off dead people now. [Cele|bitchy]

MMA Fighter Gina Carano is a “normal girl.” [Starpulse]

Just what we need: a reality show exploiting eating disorders. [The Frisky]

The porn star heads to elementary school. [TMZ]

Colin Farrell has a serious drinking issue. [Socialite Life]

What happened to Tom Selleck’s face? [Caught on Set]

Hot, shirtless men to cap off your Friday. [theBERRY]

Jessica Simpson‘s best pregnancy quotes to date. [The Blemish]

The only chubby thing about Miranda Kerr is her baby. [INFDaily]

Lady Gaga‘s been remixed. [OMGBlog]

Snooki‘s “not an alcoholic.” [Popbytes]

James Franco needs to GET BENT. [Lainey Gossip]

Jay Z‘s shilling his crap on Wall Street. [Huff Po]

Is Daniel Craig over? [Lainey Gossip]

Oh Demi, girl, there is just so much wrong with this entire look. Practically the whole damn thing is just bad on so many levels.

Let’s pick ‘em apart one by one, shall we?

The hair:
I love the color – I think it’s way flattering on you – but the style right now is just gaudy. Big, loopy baloney curls that have a greased-down look to them? So not what suits your sweet face.

The makeup:
Too much of everything. I’m no makeup guru by any far cry (I’d rather not wear any at all), but even I know that if you’re going to go with dramatic eyes, you don’t do dramatic lips. Or whatever. Vice versa. You just don’t do that stuff if it looks bad.

The outfit:
It might not be bad if the frock was an all-in-one or a pantsuit or something, but it’s more of a muu muu than anything. It’s almost a caftan. It’s something you might wear over your bikini at the beach if you were into dressing fancy at the beach. The color’s OK and the cut of the torso’s probably the one flattering thing about the dress, but the rest is bad. All bad. Plus, it pools around her feet like … well, like this:

The clip I’m talking about is at the 10:11 mark. You’ll see exactly what I mean.

Anyone else maybe think she’s trying out this brand-new look for super-skeeze boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama?

Is it me, or is ‘F*ck You’ just completely played out already? Yes? Like, when you hear it on the radio, you actually have to turn it right off (even if the only other choice is Michael McDonald), where you used to jam and jam and jam? So why – WHY! – do a song called ‘Anyway’ that has almost the exact same chord progression as the aforementioned ‘F*ck You’, and try to disguise it by speeding up the tempo (but still using the apparently-you-can’t-read cop-out of a “music video”)? That’s supposed to be new? Innovative? Please.

Plus, the song’s apparently written about an ex-girlfriend that used to clean up Cee Lo’s mutton puke after he’d had too much tequila and E. Pretty classy on all levels here, friends.

Sorry, C, but I don’t think that ‘Anyway’ is going to catch on quite like ‘F*ck You’ did. But you probably already knew that the second it hit airwaves, now, didn’t you?

The good stuff starts around the 5:30 mark. The rest is a lot of hooting and hollering about Hank Williams smoking and drinking before his interviews and how football’s just not the same without that God-awful song he used to sing, and then Hank himself shows up behind them and is saluted by the crowd like he’s some kind of second coming of Christ. Then there’s some uncomfortable making-out-with-Barbies going on, where Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood check if Faith Hill Barbie and Tim McGraw Ken are anatomically correct (spoiler!: they aren’t).

Any of you guys see this, um, live?