“If it doesn’t hurt the first time, I’ll keep popping them out!”

- Good ol’ Katy Perry reveals her ideology on giving birth.

This sounds like pretty solid logic to me! How many kids do you think Katy will end up popping out? I mean, I’m aware of the “man, that whole ‘pushing a child out of your body’ sure does hurt a lot” mindset, but I’ve also heard a couple ladies say that it wasn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be (and I cannot comment on the quantity or quality of drugs they may have been on at the time). Wouldn’t it be great if Katy was one of those ladies? Then she and Russell Brand would have a zillion kids and a few times a year or so Katy would put on the pink hair and some preposterous outfit and say “watch them babies, Russ, Mama’s gotta go shoot whipped cream out her boobies!” And then Russell takes a quiet moment to himself while the children are screaming and running around the house to meditate on what exactly he’s done.

Or maybe Katy will give birth once and throw in the towel because goddamn this hurts. I don’t know. The unpredictably is what makes it fun!

Oh, the horrors of divorce. I’ve never had one, but since I do this for a living and also because my parents got divorced twice, I know a little about the pain it can cause. But this story? This is the most hurtful, malicious thing I’ve ever heard, and it goes to show that Kris Humphries is an absolute monster with no regards for the feelings of people that he claims to have loved.

From the National Enquirer via Celebitchy:

Kim Kardashian’s big booty is a big, fat fake, sources say – and her estranged hubby Kris Humphries is threatening to expose the truth.

The reality TV sexpot insists her bubble butt is all natural and even displayed an x-ray of what she claimed was her backside on her show to use as proof. But some insiders claim the curvy 31-year-old beauty uses butt pads and say Kris filmed a video that proves his estranged wife’s prized posterior is phony!

Kris remarked to pals that, while he loves Kim’s shapely butt, it’s not the same as what you see on the red carpet or TV.

“Kris told his buddies that it takes a lot of work for Kim to make her bottom look as good as it does,” says a source. “He revealed all her secrets – how she uses ‘booty pads,’ Spanx and other things to enhance it. When she takes off the Spanx, the pads and everything else, it’s not the same. He knows what the real thing looks like – because he’s reported it on his cell phone camera!”

The article goes on to discuss how Kris started calling Kim fat and that “he said the undersides of her arms were flabby and she was getting a pooch in her belly,” but that’s too much. If Kris is going after Kim’s biggest asset (see what I did there?), that’s enough. We don’t need arm flab accusations on top of it.

Is it crazy to think that actual proof of Kim faking her ass would be way more detrimental to her career than a divorce after 72 days? Because I really think it would be. After all, the Kardashian empire was built, at least partially, on Kim’s ass, and if that empire was built on butt pads? Well, then it’s bound to crumble.

So one more time, just for funzies: Kim Kardashian’s ass, is it real or fake?

I ask because Rihanna recently made this quote:

“It’s all about the music. I don’t want to become a gimmick, ever.”

Here’s where I stand, and I don’t want my opinion to taint yours, but everything this girl does is a gimmick. It’s all sex and aggression and sex and ridiculous clothes and also sex. It’s not all about the music, which, coincidentally, is also largely about sex.

But that’s just my opinion. What’s yours?

I know I’m a couple days late with this, all right? I know that, but do you think that I could honestly just let this one go? That I could honestly see this pictures of LeAnn and think “well, shucks, I guess this will always be the one that got away”? No. No, I could not, and I’m hurt that you would even think that.

Now that we’re all in the same place, what do you think about LeAnn’s attire? Awful, right? Personally, I think LeAnn looked better in her white trash Halloween costume.

One more thing: sorry it’s been almost two whole weeks since we last brought you any news of our darling LeAnn. Don’t think we forgot about her, because we never could! Girl just hasn’t done anything that ridiculous, and she hasn’t been photographed looking especially horrifyingly thin or anything recently. Or, you know, not any more than usual.

Ha! Check out Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s dewy-eyed rendition of “Don’t Give Up.” Those bangs!

It’s pretty common knowledge that Jennifer Love Hewitt began her showbiz career with a role on “Kids Incorporated,” right? And then, by the tender age of 12, she was a Japanese pop star, to boot.

Back then, though, she was just Love Hewitt, which brings an entirely too literal meaning to the lyrics “I’ve changed my face, I’ve changed my name.”

I admit I never watched much “Kids Incorporated” back then, even though I fell pretty squarely into their primo demographic (musical theater and beginner’s jazz!), but now I remember why. This is a pretty uncomfortable video.

(Just for fun, you can also watch Fergie shimmy her way through a slightly sanitized version of “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” over here.)

The Internet, with all its promises of Diego Luna, just tricked me into watching the new Katy Perry video, “The One That Got Away.”

Don’t get me wrong—this is not a great music video. It’s silly. This isn’t a very good song, either (to adapt something my friend Matt once said about Rihanna, “She’s really good at riding one note”). When she’s “acting,” Katy Perry is given to melodrama, and ugh, the old-age makeup she’s wearing is just terrible.

But Diego Luna…! Real, actual-good-actor Diego Luna…! So handsome and artistically tortured, with his leather jacket and his hair all wild! Leaving Katy Perry in a fit of indignant ire! Oh, no! Now they’ll never grow old together! Oh, no!

It’s as credible a romantic scenario as any, and then there’s all that wistfulness and that Johnny Cash song, and in spite of myself, I may have gotten the sniffles. (Or maybe I bawled uncontrollably and rolled around the floor for awhile.) Damn you, Perry! Damn you!