Because really, what better way to wrap up a weekend than to listen to Melissa McCarthy tell you a hilarious tale of Spanx and embarrassment?

I love Ke$ha. You guys have to know that. Whatever issues we had or however nauseous her music made me feel, I always felt that she and I had some common ground (usually glitter).

It’s been three whole months since I talked about this girl, and God help me, but I miss her. I miss her drunken antics and her ridiculous words. I miss talking trash about her. I miss giggling at her silly choices in swimwear. I just miss Ke$ha. Thank goodness this handful of photos showed up last night, or else I would be stalking her Twitter again, looking for something to grab onto.

Do you guys think she’s looking good or what?

If you’ll recall, over the summer, celebrity after celebrity got invited to the annual Marine Corps Ball. A fine young man asked Mila Kunis to be his date, and she accepted. Another fine young man asked Betty White to be his date, but she already had plans. And, of course, a young lady invited Justin Timberlake. And he obviously said yes.

I just think that this speaks so highly of Justin, don’t you? Sure, at this particular moment he looks like the most uncomfortable boy in the world, but he showed up. Last night, he could have been doing nearly anything his heart desired – he could have rode bikes with Jessica Biel, he could have banged Mila Kunis, he could have lovingly dressed a pony up like a unicorn and taken it for a walk under the stars with some Capri Suns and cute sweaters (which is what I would do if I had Justin Timberlake money) – but he didn’t. He flew out to Richmond, Virginia, put on his little tux, and escorted a Marine to a fancy ball, just like he promised. And I think that’s just wonderful.

Image courtesy of TMZ

During the month of October, I kind of got obsessed with scary movies. We were buying a few DVDs a week, going to the awesome second-run movie theater in the next town over, and borrowing whatever we could from friends. It was kind of a problem, but like a really really fun problem that you don’t realize is a problem until you wake up a few nights in a row from awful nightmares about old lady vampires and zombie children on a school bus. Since then, I’ve moved on to documentaries about animals, but the terror still lingers in my mind.

So maybe I’m letting that affect how I’m viewing this picture of Katie Holmes and little Suri. Maybe in reality, this is a picture of an adorable little girl and her doting mother, and I have no reason to be afraid. Or maybe I’m onto something …

Is it her chubby cheeks? Her inviting boudoir? The way she’s Photoshopped? Or maybe you’re more like Miley‘s boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth, and what really gets you going is that hot, sloppy way she gobbles down her food:

“There is this place in Nashville called Steak and Shake, which is pretty much the best food, ever. That is our secret, sexy place to go,” he [Liam] told Australia’s Who magazine, who selected the actor for its Sexiest People List.

“When I look over at her when she’s biting into a steak sandwich and there is some steak sauce dripping down her chin, there is nothing sexier than that,” he added.

I’ve been going over and over this little quote for hours, and I still haven’t come to terms with it yet. Is it real? Did Liam actually say that there’s nothing sexier than “some steak sauce dripping down her chin,” and, if so, is he being silly? Is this revealing of some sort of fetishistic business, or is Liam simply turned on by Miley’s comfort level with him? And, most importantly, will I ever be able to get the image of Miley and Liam getting it on with some steak sauce for lube out of my head?

Just so you know the subtitle of this post is “Why I Have The Hardest Job in The Whole Wide World.”

On this glorious day, November 12th, in 1980, the world was given a gift. It may have taken just a few years for us to recognize that gift, but in the past few years, we’ve accepted it with an appreciation that is complete and unparalleled.

This day is for you, Ryan Gosling. Thank you for all you’ve done, and may you have another lovely year of being one of the brightest stars.