“Hi everyone! I just wanted to thank you guys for all your support these last two weeks. I took a break from blogging for a while, but I’ve missed you guys so much and I want to start sharing my updates with you all again. I’ve been reading all your comments on here and, as always, my loyal blog dolls have been nothing but supportive. You all know who you are, so thank you! I love you guys. Kim xo”

Mm-hmm. This would be Kim Kardashian‘s first post-divorce blog message to all of her “fans,” and by “fans,” I mean “those who actually still have a shred of thinly-stretched tolerance left for her and her fake-ass shenanigans.”

Me, I’m surprised that she still thinks anyone cares. Everyone I talk to who used to give a shit about Kim bailed back when Khloe dumped Kim’s ass in a bathroom stall. Or maybe it was when Amber f*cking Portwood started comparing herself to Kim. That’s a sure sign of career destruction right there.

I ask, then, the only question that makes any sense anymore: are there any Kim fans left out there?

[Crickets. That's all, dude.]

For a lot of women, pregnancy is that wonderful time in your life when absolutely nothing fits you the way you want (including maternity clothes), your boobs grow to epic proportions and completely change the dimensions of your bra, and your ass, abdomen, and aforementioned boobs fight to win the “let’s see who can get the biggest, fastest” race (results may vary from woman to woman).

Hilary Duff – beautiful, glowing Hilary Duff – is experiencing just this. However, her major faux pas here is trying to cover up those quickly-swelling tits of hers with – what is that, sequined canvas? – unrelenting fabric that leaves no breathing room for those things and cuts her neckline in half.

From a pregnant lady with an unmanageable chest to a pregnant lady with an unmanageable chest: learn your lesson. Let those girls breathe, woman.

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address!

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s Lindsay Lohan photo: Queasy
“It worked! They’re too busy looking at my hand to notice my teeth – result!”

First runner-up: PotKettleBlack
“Lindsay forgot to wash her hands again after community service at the morgue?!”

Second runner-up: Stacey
“Proof of the impending Zombie Apocalypse.”

Congrats to Queasy! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!

Rebecca Black cannot be stopped. Rebecca Black is the Song-inator. Internet, you did this. You created her. You didn’t get the songstress you wanted; you got the one you deserve.

Anyway. This is her new single, “Person of Interest,” which I endlessly looped underneath an Occupy Wall Street live video feed. And the music was STRANGELY SUITABLE. (What this says about my country, I have no idea.)

So? What do we think? Admit it: the song is a little snappier than you thought it would be.

“She just turned 21. She’s a child. When I think about myself at 21, I had just done The Devil’s Advocate, and Keanu [Reeves] had paparazzi following him and Al Pacino said this thing to me: ‘If I knew that my life would be under this kind of scrutiny, I would have never become an actor.’?” And I thought, Wow. I couldn’t comprehend it. And Kristen is just living this to the max and still has a sense of humor about it. There’s this really lovely quality about her that just doesn’t give a f*ck. A lot of people say they don’t, but then they go home and cry and pop a Xanax. Kristen actually doesn’t give a f*ck. That’s what’s so refreshing about her. I’m looking forward to killing her and taking her beauty. That’s what happens, right?”

- Charlize Theron describes her love and admiration and plans for the eventual murder of Kristen Stewart to Vogue.

Have I mentioned how beautiful and perfect Charlize Theron is lately? Because she really, really is. However, the idea that Charlize would actually suggest, however jokingly, that she wants to kill Kristen Stewart to take her beauty is appalling to me. I’m not saying that Kristen isn’t pretty, because of course she is, but … it’s Charlize Theron …

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this whole “Justin Timberlake went to the Marine Corps Ball” story. It has basically everything that I love, all wrapped up in one neat little adorable package: heartwarming tales, neat uniforms, a former boy band member, and also I cried. Really, what’s not to love?

Just in case you needed a little extra happiness in your day (even though I really don’t see why you would), here’s darling JT’s firsthand account of his Marine Ball adventures:

To all my family, friends and fans -

I’m writing this out to all of you after attending an event that turned out to be one of the most moving evenings I’ve ever had…

I had the honor and privilege last night of attending The Basic School Instructor Battalion 236th Marine Corps Birthday Ball at the Greater Richmond Convention Center with Corporal Kelsey DeSantis…

I knew I would have an evening that I wouldn’t forget… Something I could tell my friends about. What I didn’t know was how moved I would be by the whole experience.

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