Is it too soon for that headline? Should we wait, I don’t know, another few weeks before we drag that one out? Either way, I’d say it’s safe to say that Parasite’s career is pretty much done, right? She’s going to have whatever money she’s already got for probably the rest of her life, but there’s not enough money in the world to resurrect the “career” she claimed to have (hear that, Kim Kardashian? Do you hear that?), and she knows it.

So what does she do? Pose provocatively whilst on vacation in hopes that some newspaper or celebrity gossip site – not so unlike this here celebrity gossip site – would pick up the photos and run with them, saying “Ooh, my, Paris is looking so great these days, and she’s toned down all that crazy, and [fill in the blank with other Paris-desired accolades about growing up],” but I can tell you (and Paris) that it’s not going to be found here.

She’s still the same old shapeless, vapid, wonky-faced twit she was back when she was more popular-ish, hanging out with people like Britney and Lindsay, making tacky sex tapes in night vision, and being a racist, classist ho.

Nothing’s changed, really, other than she’s even more pathetic than she used to be because she thinks we’ve forgotten who she is inside.

Go dry up somewhere, Paris.

I admit that, lately, it’s been hard for me to look at Carrie Fisher directly: there is something so severe about her recent cosmetic enhancements. I don’t know. I guess she looks good? I guess? Maybe it just needs to “relax,” kind of like how a haircut doesn’t look good for a week or two.

Anyway, it’s a relief to know that the old bat is still in there somewhere. And here she is now, picking on poor William Shatner for no good reason. (Actually, that isn’t entirely true—she’s actually responding directly to a smack-talk video Shatner made in September.)

Carrie Fisher, insulting both Star Trek and William Shatner:

“Maybe they’re just, they’re ‘effects.’ They’re not called special effects.”

“Where do they go to? Klingon? It just sounds like a laundry detergent.”

“I have the metal bikini. By the way, Bill has borrowed it.”

“And he’s had a kidney stone, right?—get this!—that he sold for 75 thousand dollars. Now keep in mind, this is an item that one would have… it comes out of the person’s… what. Well, penis, ultimately! Yes! And that, to me, has never been something erotic. ‘Oh, is that out of William Shatner’s penis? Did it finally come out? Oh, great!’”

“Not that this is a big deal, but our merchandising is so much better. And my space buns—they’re so much better than Nimoy’s ears.”

In a fight between Star Wars and Star Trek, who would win? Weigh in!

“We literally bumped into that top Scientologist Katie Holmes on the way into the studio. We came out of the lift and BANG, there she was.Now at this point my mate, and friend of the stars, Scully was doing a bit of filming for my website and managed to capture the moment. [Holmes] looked a bit miffed at the various North-West accents and some vigorous handshaking. … [But] There was no need to send one of her people over to demand the video be deleted!!!! Unf***in’-believable. We didn’t let [Holmes] spoil the day though. And what a day. Loved it.”

Oasis’s Noel Gallagher on meeting Katie Holmes for the first time, which he claims to have actually been sort of excited about prior to their actual meeting. Too bad Katie’s apparently a super-bitch ice queen who thinks she’s hot shit because she came in 3rd or 4th yet won the Tom Cruise Looks for an All-American Girl contest.

Gah, people like that, you know?

Oh, please. Please, Academy, make it possible for me to see little Daniel Radcliffe say something insanely moving to all the Potter nerds again. Please give me another chance to see all those magical people together as they should be. And please give some acknowledgement to some of the best performances in film this year (Alan Rickman, right?).

But beyond my fangirl dreams, is it possible that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 will win any Oscars? Actually, yes. E! points out a few reasons: the Academy considers up to ten nominations for the Best Picture award, which gives our beloved HP a better chance than it would have had in previous years. And The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King won Best Picture in 2003, and anything Lord of the Rings can do, Harry Potter can do better*. Finally, if Deathly Hallows were to get nominated, the Oscars telecast would more than likely see a sizable increase in ratings, natch.

What do you guys think? What Oscars, if any, does Deathly Hallows deserve next year?

*Have we ever gotten into a LOTR vs. HP debate here? Should we start?

Are you as shocked as I am? I mean, this is Lady Gaga here, and she’s wearing a natural(ish) hair color, sensible(ish) heels, and a garment that isn’t made of flesh?! What does it mean? What does it all mean?

My guess is that it means either Lady Gaga is sick of her own schtick or she’s having a hard time thinking of something that’s new and wacky after dressing like a crazy parade for years.

Any other guesses?

Image courtesy of I’m Not Obsessed

Lea Michele … oh, honey, what will we ever do with you?! You’re one of the biggest pains I’ve ever heard of, every time you open your mouth I feel like eviscerating something, and to top it all off, you can barely dress yourself. I have to tell you, girl, it’s getting old. I can’t just keep on talking about you over and over because you keep on giving the same diva spiel everywhere you go.

Ok, ok, I will, but just this once!

On plastic surgery: “Have I been asked to change anything? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. When I was 15, my mother and I went to meet a manager who said, ‘You have to get a nose job in order for me to work with you,’” Michele tells us. “My mother would say to me, ‘Barbra Streisand never got a nose job. You’re not getting a nose job.’ And this was before I really even knew who Barbra was. I just knew that she was, like, the messiah for girls like me.”

On being a diva: At a Time magazine party, when a photographer asked who she was, she reportedly replied, “Sarah Palin”—a remark that was taken to be a snotty “Don’t you know who I am?” “I was being silly,” Michele says. “But anyway, that’s a huge thing I learned…. Not everybody knows you and has the same sense of humor. At the same time, if I couldn’t be myself, I’d lose my mind. I came from the theater world, where the word ‘diva’ was awesome,” she continues. “But it’s different in Los Angeles.”

On her weight loss: Michele became the subject of eating-disorder rumors when she suddenly looked very thin during the summer of 2010. Not so, she says—the weight loss was due to a surgery she had because of an infection in her jaw. “I’m half Italian,” says the actress. “I can eat some bitches under the table.”

On that sexy Terry Richardson photo shoot: “People were really offended by this, being that we play high-school students,” she says. “But we’re not high-school students! Cory is almost 30, and Dianna and I are 25. But there was such controversy. I do try to keep in mind that there are a lot of young viewers watching our show. But it’s a delicate balance, continuing to be who you are but also remembering you’re in a certain position. But would I do the shoot again? Absolutely.”

On Gwyneth Paltrow: “I don’t know what people are smoking, because this woman is one of the most talented, beautiful, smart but laid-back, cool people I’ve worked with,” Michele says. “That’s what I hate about this business. Before I met her, I was intimidated because of her image. But she’s the greatest.”

Ugh. That’s really all I have to say. Oh, that, and being a diva is definitely not considered “awesome” in the theatre world. Also, how terrifying is the thought of Lea Michele/Gwyneth Paltrow team-up and does anyone else find it extremely telling that Lea calls Gwyneth one of the coolest people she’s ever worked with?