You ruin lives, Twilight. Did you know that? With your sparkling men and your lip-biting ladies, you destroy precious lives. I hope you can sleep at night.
Oh, you didn’t do anything wrong? You’re just a harmless book series that was made into a harmless movie series that has no real, serious impact on people’s lives? You know so little of your power, Twilight. So, so little.
Why, just this past Saturday, you changed a girl’s life forever. You could have killed her, do you realize that? And don’t give me that “people are in charge of their own choices and they have to live with those consequences” claptrap, because I don’t want to hear it. Little Olivia from Illinois, a girl of just 18 years of age, was arrested after police found her car in a ditch. The girl “was driving with no right front tire and was extremely intoxicated,” and do you want to know why? Do you want to know why this girl was upset enough to get completely trashed and drive her car with three tires into a ditch?
Because she was mad at her boyfriend because he didn’t take her to see Breaking Dawn like he promised.
So the next time you want to parade around thinking that you don’t have the ability to change lives, I want you to take a moment to consider this tale, Twilight. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be a little more careful next time.
Do you ever wonder exactly how people like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton get so incredibly, unbelievably rich with no discernible talent? Or even just any old celebrity, like, say, Beyonce, who, along with husband Jay-Z brought in $72 million this past year alone: yes, they work hard and they’re talented, but how do they get that ungodly amount of money? Sure, there are some cases where these stars come from rich families, but some people are just inexplicably wealthy. Did you ever wonder about how?
If you’re a little curious, check out this little breakdown to see where a lot of this money comes from:
1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight on an endorsement deal.
2. $10,000 per Tweet
3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
4. $10,000 “secret” endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
6. $25,000 for a club appearance
7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity
I can’t. It’s too early, I’m too broke, I can’t. $10,000 to wear free clothes? $33,000 per lost pound? $10,000 per Tweet? Goddamn. I don’t know whether to try to figure out where I went wrong that I’m not making thousands of dollars for going to a club or to try to figure out where our society went wrong. I think I’m going to settle for somewhere in the middle, and of course by “somewhere in the middle,” I mean “stay in my pajamas all day, watch The Notebook and Beaches over and over, and weep.”
Because if you do want to live in Lady Gaga‘s old apartment, now’s your chance! Gaga’s old stomping grounds, a one bedroom on the Lower East Side, is on the market, and for the low price of just $1,850 a month, you can’t afford not to move here!
I don’t know if you guys get this, but it’s actually a pretty complicated question, “would you want to live in the place where Lady Gaga used to live?” If the appeal is the apartment’s former tenant, then the answer is no. I don’t want that energy. I don’t want my home to be the place where Stefani Germanotta made her transformation into that crazy bitch we know today. I don’t want to be cooking dinner or trying to go to sleep and be thinking things like “oh God, did the travesty known as ‘Poker Face’ start here?” It’s too much for one person to take, and I couldn’t do it.
On the other hand, it’s a legitimately nice apartment, right? The bright colors, the cute little kitchen, it’s all looking good for me. I have no idea if $1,850 is a good price for an apartment in New York, but besides that, of course I could live there.
What do you guys think? Would you live here? Can you see Gaga creating her origins in this place? And, on a more personal note, do you have any tips on how to make a new apartment feel more homey on a budget?
Well, if we’re to judge by this here picture of Katy Perry with Heidi Klum at Sunday night’s American Music Awards or by a handful of other pictures from that night’s festivities, the answer would be a pretty solid “eh, yeah, i could see it.” Let’s face it, either Katy’s pregnant, she had a little too much food, or she needs to fire whoever picked out that dress for her*. So which is it? Does Katy Perry really already have a baby growing inside of her?
To quote Katy herself, “Hell no!” And if that’s not enough, don’t worry, this girl isn’t afraid of spelling it out:
“I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell and if you want to make that pregnant that’s your problem,” she told The Insider. Among her other thoughts on pregnancy: “I still love drinking alcohol so not yet.”
During a concert at Madison Square Garden last week, Perry joked to the crowd that if she was rubbing her “bloated belly” during the show, it wasn’t because she’s about to be a mom. She said she had just been having too much fun sampling the “delicious” food in and around New York City.
There you have it. All that’s in Katy Perry’s tummy is fast food and liquor: no fetuses yet! Well, at least until the People’s Choice Awards in January. Do you think Katy could pull a Beyonce?
*Actually, she should go ahead and fire anyone who has ever picked out any clothes for her ever.
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