“That’s from smoking a pipe with meth or crack. She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth. You can’t dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus.”

- The ever wise Michael Lohan graces us with some of his infamous words of wisdom.

You know, as usual, Michael Lohan is so right. You really can’t dance with the devil and go home with Jesus, especially not Lindsay. Jesus would just be like “girl, have you seen them chompers? I’m going to sit this one out.” And then the devil would just be over in the corner, leering at Lindsay and licking his lips. And then Lindsay would know that she’s resigned herself to her fate, and it would be a cautionary tale for all.

Thanks, Daddy Lohan! Oh, and thanks for letting us know that your baby girl probably smokes crack! Much obliged!

Do I really need to say anything else here? Is there any doubt that I think Evan Rachel Wood is gorgeous and glorious and perfect? Could any one of you honestly look at these pictures and honestly think that I’m not flailing with love and appreciation?

Do any of you agree with me? Now, that’s the question.

Sometimes I think that Lindsay Lohan really has to put in a ton of effort to be this much of a mess. This is one of those times.

After she screwed up her first community service gig, she got reassigned to the morgue. Then her probation got revoked and it’s actually looking like she might be headed for jail again. So what does Lindsay do on her very first day at the morgue?

Why, she shows up 40 minutes late and gets sent home, of course! Classic Lindsay!

She claimed that she didn’t know where the entrance to the morgue was and that the paparazzi caused confusion. The coroner’s office claimed that the excuse was bullshit. Either way, Lindsay put down her meth long enough to Tweet an apology:

“With all of the stress and pressure from yesterday and today, I’ve never been so happy to go to therapy!!!  Also, I’m sorry for the confusion that I may of (sic) caused to those at the Coroner’s office.  Won’t happen again, now I know where to go!”

And here’s a bonus bit of news: the L.A. county sheriff wants everybody to know that he definitely has enough room for Lindsay in the slammer. Huzzah!

Do you think this could finally be the time that Lindsay receives an appropriate punishment, or is it to soon to get our hopes up?

Are those babies real? I know that she says they are, but I’m starting to doubt the authenticity of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley‘s words (about time, right?).

What do you guys think? Are they real? Fake? Does it even matter?

Images courtesy of Yeeeah

Now they’re releasing what they’re calling a “wedding featurette,” which is really just all of the scenes you’ve already seen via video and photo stills, but now with added interviews (which you probably saw here, or elsewhere, yesterday) and lots of shiny white teeth (except for Pattinson‘s – his are downright dingy, am I right?).

But don’t let me fool you – I’m as excited about this as the next Twihard (even though I refuse to associate myself with that word, because I’m not as, um, frantic about it all). I’m extra proud, too, because MY engagement ring looks almost identical to Bella Swan‘s, except that mine’s more rounded rather than oval, and I GOT MINE SIX YEARS AGO. I was also married first, but hey. Who’s keeping score anyway? … Firsties!

Kidding. Kind of.

But, seriously, dude. This is the second time I’ve read about Jersey Shore‘s Vinny—and his dreams of acting—in as many days. From his interview with New York Magazine:

That’s the reason I do [reality television]. I’ve always been in school plays and performing monologues and taking drama. Now I’m in acting classes. I do it the real way. I want to be a working actor. I would love that. I just like being on a series and having a script, and I want that to be my nine-to-five.

And in an interview with the HuffPo only two days ago, the reality star talked a little more about his theater background. “I have been doing acting my whole life. I did plays in high school,” he explained. “I take it pretty seriously. I used to do a lot of Shakespeare and Shakespearean festivals and monologues.”

Oh, Vinny Guadagnino! I love that you were a theater nerd in high school! May you know every happiness.