The progenitors of the awfulness that is Lindsay Lohan have finally turned on their own creation, metaphorical pitchforks in hand.

Yesterday, dad Michael Lohan hopped aboard the “let’s talk about Lindsay’s need for orthodontic intervention” train by speculating, on television, that his daughter smokes crack. Michael “Mitch Winehouse” Lohan, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

But never one to be forgotten, Celebrity Mom Dina Lohan is jumping in on the anti-Lindsay action. How, you ask? By writing a tell-all Lindsay Lohan biography!

TMZ with a selection from the unpublished book’s prologue:

I blamed her friends, her career and her handlers for an (sic) newfound lifestyle of partying excessively. Drinking, drugging and behaving irresponsibly became Lindsay’s way of daily living—and it tore me up inside.

Gee. Dina didn’t seem to have a problem with Lindsay’s “way of living” last month. Or… um, ever.

Sorry. Let me make my serious face. OK, I’m wearing my serious face now. Tell us, Dina! Who do you blame for Lindsay’s self-destructive behavior? Oh, right, her friends. And her handlers. That’s interesting.

Y’know, a lot of girls in their twenties have friends. A chance few even have handlers. But Lindsay’s pattern of “indirect” suicidal behavior is a little bit more profound. Look harder, Dina.

You know what they say: when you point your finger, three fingers point right back at you.

Joey Lawrence is JACKED. [The Superficial]

Justin Timberlake all rappin’ and stuff. [Lainey Gossip]

Apparently Rihanna is a slut for what she wears. [Bossip]

Analyzing child stars. [The Frisky]

Kim Kardashian is already getting divorced? [Cele|bitchy]

Haley Joel Osment got fat. [Starpulse]

Shirtless men. [theBERRY]

More Photoshop disasters. [Yeeeah]

Orlando Bloom looks like a turtle, is a good dad. [INFDaily]

Yes, she should wear pants ALWAYS. [Amy Grindhouse]

Lindsay Lohan‘s porn double is hotter than Lindsay Lohan. [The Superficial]

Oh, what a life you’ve led thus far, Kim Kardashian! You’ve had a giant wedding, a pesky case of psoriasis, and the beginnings of a musical career! And, let’s see … you’ve also had thousands of people watch a dude pee on you, that’s something special. Anything else?

Right, you’ve also been one of the most impressive fame whores in the game, Kim, and that’s why we’re going to celebrate your birthday the only way we know how – by picture after picture of that pretty face!

Oh, Salma, of course we would love to see your boobs. Of course we would. But not like this. This feels cheap, Salma, this feels tawdry and wrong and not at all how I imagined it. The lighting is all wrong, for one, and you know I don’t like it when you wear your hair like that. No, Salma, this just won’t do. Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Let me clarify: five years ago, Lindsay Lohan discussed her 10 year plan with In Style, so today, she’s halfway in. And, well, it’s not looking too good:

“I want to get married before I’m 30. And have my house. And make the kind of record I want. And I’d like to win an Oscar before then.”

So she’s got the house. And … um … huh. She’s got five more years, that’s another thing she has! Anything could happen in five years! She could meet her soul mate and get married, she could make a beautiful record full of touching, soulful music. And of course she could win an Oscar! She’s Lindsay Lohan, ok, she was in The Parent Trap, for God’s sake!

And yes, that photo above is Lindsay from five years ago. Oh, what time and meth can do!

I am so excited about Halloween, you guys. Aren’t you? Haunted houses and scary movies AND COSTUMES?! Are you kidding me? Come October 31st, I’m going to be roaming around town, dressed like a bear and trick-or-treating at my grandma’s house like the grown woman that I am. And that’s why I love this magical holiday.

Another reason? Carving pumpkins! I’ll confess, in all my Halloweens past, my carved pumpkins have been a little lacking in the creativity department (mostly because I just like the part where you get to play with all the squishy insides and pick out the seeds), but not this year. Now that I know I can style pumpkins like celebrities thanks to this beautiful gallery of Lady Gaga pumpkins, the sky is the limit. I don’t want to make any promises, but come November 1st, I might treat you to a meth-faced Lindsay Lohan pumpkin.

Are there any other pumpkins you might like to see? And, in the meantime, what’s your favorite Gaga pumpkin?

Images courtesy of City Rag