My sincere apologies to everyone who thought that Snooki would somehow make it out of this whole Jersey Shore debacle and do something great with her life, but it’s just not so. Please, don’t mistake what I’m saying for an insult, because I certainly don’t intend it to be, I just believe that Snooki is not destined for a life of, shall we say, traditional greatness. No, her destiny is far more important, because hey, who wouldn’t love to go to Grandma’s house and hear her warn against the whale sperm in the ocean or see her in tank tops to show off her sweet ink?

Well, it’s all doom-and-gloom from me today, I’m afraid.

This is one of those things I’m not sure whether to cover on a gossip blog, or how. A lot of you maybe haven’t even heard of comedian Patrice O’Neal—although, if you watched the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen back in September, you definitely remember him. O’Neal was edgy without being malicious, which I liked, and he was incisive, and it helped that he was very, very funny.

O’Neal was also a regular on the Opie and Anthony Show where, this morning, comedian Jim Norton made the announcement:

“We don’t know how he is. We don’t know how he’s going to be. I didn’t want to do this by myself. I wish we had more news for you.”

O’Neal suffered the stroke last week; that we’re only just hearing about it makes me fear that O’Neal’s odds are much worse than even Jim Norton is letting on. Norton also clarified that he was only making the announcement publicly because “we wanted it to come from us.”

Eerily, many of the jokes at the Sheen Roast were made at the expense of O’Neal’s weight and health (he has diabetes). Fellow friends and comedians repeatedly teased that O’Neal had one foot in an early grave, and he visibly took it all in stride. It was hilarious at the time; in retrospect, it’s heartbreaking.

Sorry to bring this up again—I know you’re probably over it—but Mitch Winehouse and his family hopefully have some closure. Amy Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning, toxicologists have confirmed.

To recap: Mitch Winehouse, her father, claimed that Amy had most likely died from alcohol withdrawal. He added that she had kicked the hard stuff—she had been clean for at least a year—but despite a preparatory stint in rehab and a period of sustained sobriety, her Belgrade performance was visibly hampered by her own drunkenness. Humiliated, Winehouse canceled the rest of her European tour and reportedly went into seclusion. Following Winehouse’s sudden death at 27, a coroner found no illegal drugs in her system.

CNN:

A family statement, given by spokesman Chris Goodman, said: “It is some relief we finally found out what happened to Amy.

“We understand there was alcohol in her system when she passed away. It is likely a buildup of alcohol in her system over a number of days.

“The court heard that Amy was battling hard to conquer her problems with alcohol and it is a source of great pain that she could not win in time. She had started drinking again that week after a period of abstinence,” Goodman said.

The Huffington Post has more:

Coroner Suzanne Greenaway gave a verdict of “death by misadventure,” saying the singer died of accidental alcohol poisoning. “The unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels (of alcohol) was her sudden and unexpected death,” Greenaway said.

Police Detective Inspector Les Newman, who was called after a security guard found Winehouse, said empty vodka bottles were scattered around her bedroom.

Winehouse’s doctor, Dr. Christina Romete, said the singer had resumed drinking in the days before her death after a period of abstinence.

Romete said Winehouse had been prescribed drugs including the sedative Librium to help her cope with the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal, but the coroner said these had played no role in her death.

Additionally, pathologist Suhail Baithun determined that Winehouse’s blood alcohol content was 4.5 times the legal driving limit. (Her BAC was 0.40%; 0.45% is recognized as potentially lethal.) Other reports speculate that she had downed three bottles of vodka.

The whole thing is frightening and terribly sad. I only hope Amy and her family have peace.

Image via CNN.

See that photo up there? That’s Lindsay Lohan arriving at the Playboy mansion for her photo shoot. Classy, huh? Looks like she arrived on foot, too (I’m kidding; of course I know she didn’t arrive on foot. She took her meth-powered jetpack, duh).

The nude shoot, according to Lindsay’s mom, did happen, and it “went well.” And I’m guessing “went well” means that no one was accidentally sprayed with Lindsay’s special strain of VD, and no one got Legionnaire’s Disease this time around. As long as Lindsay showed her fire-crotch coke-crotch busted gaping holes, everyone probably went home happy and fulfilled and thrilled that their wives and girlfriends are nothing like this bitch.

The Tweet that girlfriend posted with this photo?:

“Short girl problems.”

Jessica is 5’3″, and according to the photo, she’s got monstrous toilets in her house or wherever. And a bidet, too. I mean, I’m hoping it’s her house and not some public stall in an upscale gas station that’s she’s going barefoot in.

Anyway. I’m 5’3″, and I have no problems climbing on or off the toilet. But hey. Maybe my toilets just aren’t as cool as Jess’s – one never knows, now, do they?

Please. Please, please, please. Courtney Stodden, I don’t want to hear one more thing out of your twitchy little mouth about everything on your body being “rill,” because unless you have a fraternal twin out there somewhere (a, ahem, better-looking fraternal twin at that), it’s all complete BS to me. ALL of it.

Check out the other photo in the gallery who is definitely Courtney Stodden and who definitely looks nothing like Courtney Stodden.