Dramatic heavyweight Don Cheadle pulls a Steve Brule and stars in this Funny or Die video as that eponymous superhero of 1990s environmentalism, Captain Planet!

Warning: this video is pretty weird, and probably NSFW. Still, it features Brenda Song, Gillian Jacobs (Britta from Community), plus Efren “Vote for Pedro” Ramirez—and also, uh, two other dudes—as the multicultural Planeteers. Not quite childhood-ruining, but it definitely toes the line.

Amy Sedaris is my favorite. I’ve said before—and this bears repeating—that she combines everything I love about crafting, cupcakes, and Quaalude abuse. (I assume we all have pin-up posters in our kitchens of Amy wearing frosting and sprinkles and nothing else? No? Well, I do, and my boyfriend’s roommate does, which means my boyfriend has to look at Amy Sedaris wherever he goes, poor guy.)

Now, Miss Sedaris has given better performances on other late-night talk shows, maybe, but this is the first time I’ve seen her wearing a breakaway skirt. And she’s right! She really can do anything in those Maidenform® Flexees® pants! She’s also channeling a little Mary Katherine Gallagher in this performance (am I old?). Watch closely for Jimmy Fallon’s aneurysm.

What a weird turn of events for these long-time rivals, right? The Weasleys and the Malfoys have never been the best of friends, and the most publicized example that we have of this feud, that of Ron Weasley and Draco Malfoy, is a particularly contemptuous one. But it looks like once again these feisty boys have put aside their differences to pose for some more pictures together, this time for an ad campaign for Band of Outsiders. Inspiring, right?

Images courtesy of The Berry

Back in April, I made some pretty definitive statements about Evan Rachel Wood. I claimed that Marilyn Manson “ruined” her, which, to be fair, is a pretty easy conclusion to make. I also asserted that she needed to “shut her douchey mouth,” and again, these are just pictures, so that might still be the case. So really, I was never wrong, I just overlooked her potential to be incredibly gorgeous.

These are photos of Evan at the Venice Film Festival, and every single thing she’s doing right here is working wonders for me. How about you?

Maybe “ambush” isn’t the right word for what this guy did. Maybe “creep” would fit better? Perhaps he “pre-sexually assaulted” her, is that a thing? Well, whatever the proper term is, Sarah Jessica Parker‘s security guard did it to her, and she did not care for it, not even a little.

Poor ol’ SJP was in Moscow, minding her own business, when her security guard requested that she sign his chest. A little weird, right? But I’m sure she’s seen worse, so she probably paid no mind to it. Then, a few minutes later, the security guard decided to take a chance and go in for the classic creeper move, the grab-and-tongue. It didn’t fly, but can you really blame a guy for trying?

Later, the guy made the following comment:

“I shouldn’t have done that as a professional but I couldn’t believe Sarah Jessica Parker was there, that close to me. Home life could be even more difficult but I’ll try to buy some roses and smooth things over.”

Well, I guess it takes all kinds, huh?

Oh, yeah, hey. I just figured that maybe some of you are like me and would really enjoy starting the morning with country legends doing smooth covers of contemporary chill bands for a fast food commercial. I’m right, aren’t I? Of course.