I know, like there was ever any doubt, right? Liza Minnelli will always be one sassy, fabulous lady, and these here quotes are only a reminder to this eternal truth:

On Judy Garland: ‘One day, I said to her: “Mama, why are you always so sad when you sing Over The Rainbow?” She looked at me. “It’s what they want,” she said. “Now let’s go get a hamburger.” Forget anything you’ve read. That’s how I remember her. That’s my reality.’

On reality: ‘Reality is something you have to rise above.’ What can she mean? A plume of smoke. ‘Well, if you don’t like a chapter in your life, then re-write it. It’s your life. Whatever gets you through. Ha! If you can stand back and laugh at something, you’re in control of the situation. You can face down your demons.’

On Michael Jackson: ‘In the end, the scorn, the cruelty, the vicious meanness — these are the things that took his life. He was one of the best performers we’ve ever had. He changed everything. But he was only a king when he was on stage.’

On Lady Gaga: ‘I love Lady Gaga. Not long ago, I went to see her show,’ she says. ‘Someone came up to me at the end and asked if I’d come backstage. Lady Gaga wanted to meet me. There she was, her hair normal, no weird costume. Just a simple dressing gown. She looked like a nice kid. She said: “You’re my favourite. You’re my hero.” There were photographers who wanted a picture of us together so she turned towards them and opened the front of her dressing gown. I immediately closed it. I laughed. She’s into the Madonna thing: shock value. And it works. But the girl has a big talent.’

On Madonna:‘I think she’s terrific. When I’m chatting to her, she’s just normal, the opposite of grand. We’ll meet in a restaurant with friends. Or hang out at a party. She’s always interesting and interested. She’s smart as hell and keeps her eyes peeled. She misses nothing.’

On men: ‘I’ve decided I want three lovers,’ she says, breezily. ‘The first would be enormously rich, with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana skin. The second would be someone who’s passionate about something — science, painting, anything, I don’t care. Passion is so sexy. And finally, I want someone who comes to see me twice a week. I don’t even have to know his name.’

I don’t know about you, but yeah, I still love the hell out of Liza Minnelli.

“She is a double victim: my victim and a victim of the press.”

- Roman Polanski mentions that one time that he drugged and raped a 13-year-old girl and how he’s kind of sorry, I guess. Even though it’s not completely his fault.

Ok, everybody, now that Roman has served his time, been declared a free man, and publicly apologized for his actions, can we finally let him off the hook? Jeez, give a guy a break! And hey, even Johnny Depp thinks he’s an ok guy – that’s got to count for something, right?!

Mitch Hedberg passed away in 2005, but he remains one of the best-loved comedians of the Oughts. His quirky observations, boyish shyness, and spoken syncopation lent his stand-up comedy an eccentric charm.

Here, via Hedberg’s official website (his wife Lynn continues to maintain it), is his letter to Uni-ball, praising their pens, promising his allegiance, and requesting Uni-ball’s sponsorship. His distinctive scrawl is a little, uh, blinding, so I took the liberty of reproducing the full text of Hedberg’s handwritten letter.

Uniball:

Hi….

I am writing to the makers of the Uniball “Gel Impact” pen. Unfortunately I am doing so with a Pilot P-500. As of this moment, I have yet to locate your magnificent pen in a store. As soon as I find one I will purchase one.

This is the deal….

I am a stand-up comedian. My name is Mitch Hedberg. I have been on ‘The Late Show with David Letterman’ six times. I have a 1/2 hour Comedy Central special that is played on the channel all the time. I’ve made a guest appearance on ‘That 70′s Show’ and I have a very very small role in the new Cameron Crowe film, ‘Almost Famous.’ I’ve done just about every cable comedy show around.

Right now I am on a tour in an RV with my wife. Our next stop is Raleigh, N.C.. One evening we pulled into a KOA to sleep. I had to fill out a registration slip and the security guy handed me one of your Gel Impact pens to do the job.

It was a very satisfying writing experience to say very little.

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“You definitely have to deal with whether girls are interested in me or Jacob. Sometimes it’s hard. Time always lets you know what a person is really like. The fans love the characters and they would love anyone who as playing those characters. I’m just the guy who was able to bring Jacob to life.”

- Taylor Lautner describes his dating woes.

I actually feel a little sorry for little Taylor here. Can you imagine what it would be like to be in his shoes? I mean, at least Robert Pattinson got Kristen Stewart out of the deal, he doesn’t have to worry about wackos who just love him for being Edward Cullen.

But, of course, this brings about a much more important question:

Do you guys love James McAvoy? I do, but it’s sort of in the way that a dorky little 11-year-old loves that boy up in 8th grade who plays football and doesn’t shove her into lockers, you know? I’ve only seen him in that X-Men movie, and that was only because my BFF is completely and totally obsessed with it, and she was not going to stop until she shared it with me. I did enjoy the movie though, and when it was over, she showed me a bunch of interviews and sent me a bunch of his quotes, and from what I’ve seen, he’s a pretty adorable dude. So when I heard the news that James was rumored to play Elton John in Elton’s biopic, Rocketman, I had generally positive feelings.

Here are a few bits and pieces about Rocketman from Deadline:

John will be executive producer and will play an active role in creating a film that will follow his life story from a child piano prodigy (who by age 11 won a scholarship to the Royal Academy of Music) to a young man who rebelled against his strict upbringing, wore outrageous costumes and became a global icon who teamed with songwriter Bernie Taupin to sell more records that just about any musical artist of his era.

They’re planning an inventive way to cover John’s life and career: One device will be to feature choreographed sequences using John’s biggest hit songs. Those tunes will be part of the movie package and will drive a story that will cover the rough spots in John’s journey of self-discovery. 

“Rocketman will be a radically different kind of biopic,” Shaw said. “It will be as unique as Elton’s life, told in a non-linear and hyper-visual manner that will transport people through the many intense experiences, some wonderful, some not, that helped define Elton as an artist, musician and man.”

I’m not some huge Elton John fan or something, but I think he’s a respectable dude who makes some good music, and I think this movie sounds pretty damn awesome. I also think, from what I’ve seen, anyway, that James McAvoy could rock the hell out of something like this.

Thoughts?

I know, that’s a hard one, huh? It could be any of the douchebags we gossip about over here, it really could. There’s Chris Brown with his knee-lickin’ tendencies, it could be LeAnn Rimes with her awful bikini parade and her apparent inability to digest solids. There are dozens of possibilities, but Parade could only award one celebrity with this illustrious title.

So who is the most annoying celebrity?

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