Ever discover that two of your acquaintances are dating? Have you had this happen? And you’re like, “Oh, wow. That’s so random. I didn’t realize they even knew each other.”

And for a moment you catch yourself wrinkling your nose at this new information, because he’s a busboy and she’s in HR, and he has tattoos and she wears suits. But then your brain’s motor starts whirring, and you think, “Well, they do both listen to a lot of NPR. And I’ve heard them each talk, separately, about how much they like Community.”

And then you really start putting it all together, and you slowly realize they both have a lot of the same weird tics and mannerisms, and you’re like, “Why, how did I never think of it! That’s the greatest pairing in the history of humankind!”

Introducing Matthew Perry and Lizzy Caplan! Wow. Just, wow. Can you imagine going on a double-date with this couple? Can you imagine how wry they both are? And you’d sit across from them at dinner, frowning all night. And finally you’d go, “Are you two kidding? Just now, was that some kind of a joke? Because my sarcast-o-meter is going off-the-charts, but I can’t process any of this.”

Mind-blowing! Yeah, they’re my new favorite pair.

Pictured: Chandler Bing and Casey Klein at the US Open; image via Celebuzz.

Last week, just for funsies, I caught myself up on every episode of “7 Minutes in Heaven“—it didn’t take too long, actually, since the weekly video series is pretty new. (Recommended: guests Elijah Wood, Kristen Wiig, and Jason Sudeikis.)

Maybe it’s easy to compare the “7 Minutes” web series to “Between Two Ferns“; instead of being caught between two ferns, each guest is trapped in close quarters with the host, SNL writer Mike O’Brien.

The similarities basically end there, though. In most episodes, O’Brien’s guests drink till they’re lit—here’s lookin’ at you, Hoda—and by every episode’s end, O’Brien tries to steal a little kiss. (Actress Patricia Clarkson, more than game, turns the peck into some voracious open-mouth resuscitation.)

So! Now that you’re completely in on the joke, here’s Tracy Morgan!

Things that I learned from this episode of “7 Minutes in Heaven”:

- Tracy Morgan doesn’t give two whiffs about Shakespeare.

- Tracy Morgan’s hypothetical sister is a Scorpio, thank you.

- Tracy Morgan doesn’t eat hay!

- Tracy Morgan looks great in a lady’s wide-brimmed hat!

- Tracy Morgan isn’t scared of escalators.

- Tracy Morgan dispenses great advice. I wish he would phone my mom, too.

- Tracy Morgan wishes it were possible to eat a frisbee.

What, you were planning to ignore the return of Two and a Half Men? NICE TRY, AMERICA. You don’t want to watch Two and a Half Men? Then turn off your TV, throw out your radio, and move to a log cabin in the freaking woods! Because there is NO ESCAPE from Ashton Kutcher.

Here he is on Late Show with David Letterman, accompanied by costars Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones, AKA the highest-paid 17-year old ever.

And now, Letterman’s “Top 10 Reasons to Watch the New Season of Two and a Half Men“:

Letterman’s right! Ashton Kutcher really is starting to look like Dan Fogelberg! (The satellite delay is great, too! I love how everyone frowned at that 40-years-too-late “joke” eight seconds later.)

P.S. Ha, ha, Reuters hated the whole bit. I was actually kind of into it? But only because it was terrible.

I know, I squealed too! Because we all love She & Him, right? How could you not? It’s a band made up of the constantly adorable Zooey Deschanel and the always impressive M. Ward, and if that doesn’t do anything for you, then listen to that little track above. If you’re still unmoved, then check out the album’s tracklist:

01 “The Christmas Waltz”
02 “Christmas Day”
03 “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”
04 “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”
05 “Christmas Wish”
06 “Sleigh Ride”
07 “Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree”
08 “Silver Bells”
09 “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
10 “Blue Christmas”
11 “Little Saint Nick”
12 “The Christmas Song”

Are you weeping with joy yet at this inevitably glorious album? If not, then check your pulse, because I don’t know what else could be wrong with you besides death.

“They’re disappointed when I’m not Ryan Reynolds. ‘Oh can I get my picture with you?’ And you’re like, sure, and they’re like, ‘I thought you were more muscley.’ No. ‘Have you gotten, like, more unattractive for a role?’ No. Just the role of my life. Sometimes they’ll take a picture with me and then they’ll look at it, and I’ll see their faces fall and they realize when they look at the picture, that’s not Ryan Reynolds.”

- Ryan Gosling pretending like he’s less attractive than Ryan Reynolds. Please.

Do people actually think this way in real life? Would any of you (well, not you particularly, you all are much more informed and you have much better taste than the average person) confuse these two Ryans, and, more importantly, can you even fathom calling Ryan Gosling unattractive? And now the most important question: who would you do, Gosling or Reynolds?

See, this blind item is neat because I’m pretty sure I’ve got it, and also because it explains a story I told you guys this week. So let’s get right to it:

This A list movie actress who got her start way back in the day on television and then did some more along the way, let it slip the other day that she and her always a B list (for one role in particular) movie actor husband have not had sex in almost five years. It is kind of ironic if you think about it.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, and there ain’t no way you can tell me different.

See, this would explain why Sarah seemed so crazy with David Letterman the other night, and also why she flipped out with that security guard tried to give her a friendly little kiss: it had been so long since she’d received any sort of physical affection that she just couldn’t grasp what was happening. And these two have had rumored marital struggles for years, and it seems like this would be a pretty good reason for it.

DID I GET IT?!