I suppose that post title up there just kind of speaks for itself, huh? I mean, clearly, we’re talking about Paris Hilton. Oh, what’s that? Her tattoo was of a crown or something? Oh. Well, to me it looked an awful lot like a frog. Alright then. I guess the title has more to do with the new Muppets trailer than anything else, then, I don’t know – I haven’t watched it yet.
Guess I should probably do my research before I make those kind of hurtful assumptions about Paris Hilton. Silly, silly me.
Where’d her pink hair go? Her blonde hair? Her orange hair? Did I miss something, or did the editors of Cosmo Australia think that she was too trashy looking to grace the cover of their magazine without the black hair, too? I don’t know about you guys, but Katy Perry wasn’t Katy Perry at all when she had the odd-colored hair. When she was natural, she made me think of Americana and Betty Page and apple pie and sexy picnics with red-and-white checkerboard patterned tablecloths all spread out like legs, but with the funk unnaturally-colored hair, she just … kinda looks like the crappy Wendy’s-working townie that I slept with in college. Rather, that you slept with in college. Sorry, I get us confused sometimes.
See these photos? These are the height of sense and sensibility, of class and fashion and style. Aren’t these gals just the most? I mean, here they are, strutting their stuff at parties left and right during NYC’s Fashion Week, and not once has one of them been photographed puking in the gutter. Not once has either one of these lovely ladies been caught stumbling around a back alley, trying to score meth or cocaine or even better, heroin. I mean, neither one of them even look to be a little bit of a hot mess. DON’T THESE TWO JUST LOOK SUPER?
I mean, come on. How creepy is she? She’s positively leering at the guy, and if that doesn’t say “self-serving, unstable harpy,” almost nothing does.
That’s her boyfriend up there, Vincent Piazza of Boardwalk Empire, the HBO special in which he stars. I guess he didn’t get the memo that his new girlfriend’s not officially divorced, leads her estranged husband around by the nose so much so that he’s lost weight and is starting to look gaunt from all of the stress, and who also has alleged substance abuse issues. But who knows, maybe he does know. Maybe it’s good inspiration for his television series, I’m not sure. Stranger things have happened (you know, like Ashlee’s old nose growing back).
But! The photos’ subject matter might surprise you! Of the four photos the hacker leaked, two were reportedly of Friends with Benefits costar Justin Timberlake. In one photo, he’s “laying [sic] shirtless in a bed.” In another photograph, Timberlake is wearing a pair of pink panties on his head. How sexy.
There’s also a photo of a peen, but so far, no one has been able to verify the peen’s identity. And then there was a photo of Mila in a bubble bath—but only her head is visible.
The hacker also procured text message exchanges between Kunis and Timberlake. Poor Jessica Biel!
Lainey asks what I was just wondering, myself: what in heaven’s name are people saving on their cell phones?
I only recently decided to move the most incriminating photos off my iPhone and store them elsewhere. Since you are wondering, they were all photos of my boyfriend—specifically, there’s the one photo of him wearing a cat. Oh, there was also the one of my name shaved into his groin hair. You think I’m kidding? I’m not kidding. Ask anyone at the bar.
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