Why, Nick Cannon could do any number of things while listening to Mariah‘s music! He could learn knitting. He could mop the floors. He could teach little Moroccan all about science. The sky’s the limit when it comes to imagining Nick Cannon doing things while jamming out to “Always Be My Baby.” But what is the one thing that he does do?

Strokin’. Yes, Nick Cannon touches his penis while listening to his wife’s songs. Romantic or creepy, you decide!

Another arousing activity that occurs to the tune of Mariah’s music? You can definitely guess this one: beautiful, natural, Nick and Mariah love-making. Of course.

So, uh, with all due respect: did you vomit or did you vomit? Or did that little “Fantasy” video you push you in an entirely different direction?

And no, I’m not just referring to the fact that she’s married to a man who likes to consider himself a Christlike figure. ZING!

No, I’m talking about those shoes. Look at those shoes for a minute, ok? And I know that Victoria lives in stilettos, but bring your eyes up to that tender little baby in her arms. Are you as amazed as I am? Or is it just that I am so laughably horrible* at maneuvering around in heels that I find this really simple task incredibly astounding*?

*For real, my first niece was born when I was 11, which is also when those awful platform shoes were big, remember? I had a pair of ugly ass, pea green foam sandals with a four inch platform, and I was awkward even dancing around my bedroom to Spice Girls. But when I tried to walk my baby niece around and almost tripped and broke her? That is scarring, kids.

*Zero sarcasm. I sincerely want to know.

Earlier this week, when I showed you guys those pictures of Christina Hendricks and her boobs, you were not impressed. A couple of you called poor Christina’s look “tasteless,” and our very own Sarah even commented with “Her cleavage looks like a butt’s been superglued to her sternum.” And you know, that’s totally fair. It does look a little ridiculous when large-breasted ladies have their own cleavage pressed against their face: I think that at Renaissance festivals, I think that at the gay bar, and I think that when I look at all these celebrities. But you guys don’t think that ensemble above is the answer, do you?

All I’m saying is that there’s a happy medium between almost showing nipple and utter absurdity. And I’m not entirely sure where this business she’s wearing above falls, but I’m pretty sure that it’s unacceptable.

Let’s just get one thing straight right now: I absolutely love it when Nick Cannon speaks. If he opens his mouth, I will listen to whatever comes out of it, and I will rejoice. Nick Cannon’s words are pearls of wisdom, or, at the very least, absolutely hilarious. So why would Nick Cannon’s words about his kids be any different?

“I just want them to strive for something greater than entertainment. I’m one of those believers in teachers, professors, heart surgeons. That’s what I’m rooting for. If I could get a scientist, that’d be amazing.”

Does anyone else find this as humorous as I do? I mean, I’m pretty medicated and all, and of course I think this is an understandable, respectable wish for one’s child, but come on, can’t you just see Nick cradling little Moroccan in his arms, being all “yo, can I get a scientist? Let’s go fly a kite in this storm, baby. E equals … aww, baby, why you always got to vom all over my kicks?” Meanwhile he has Monroe drooling all over a game of Operation. Right?

It’s really starting to scare me, the growing appreciation that I have for Evan Rachel Wood. It just seems like yesterday when I would see pictures of her with Marilyn Manson and gag, but now, I think she’s pretty majestic. Oh, do you want more proof?

Here are some quotes from a recent interview with Marie Claire:

On loving Justin Bieber: “I saw the movie [Never Say Never], and that’s what did it. I ended up seeing it three times — in the theaters. One of those times was the director’s cut, I’m not even kidding. I got obsessed with the kid. It’s going to be weird if I ever meet him. He’s brought so much joy to my life.”

On making out with Ryan Gosling in Ides of March: “Yeah, it was awesome. We had fun. Ryan’s amazing because he has this way about him that’s incredibly attractive, not just in a sexy way but he’s smart, he’s cool, he’s talented, he’s really creative, and he has this mysterious quality to him that drives people crazy. So yeah, it wasn’t a hard day at work.”

On what she called Marilyn Manson: “No, I called him Manson. Or just Babe.”

On her engagement to Manson: “I am glad — for both of us. We both have a lot more growing to do. I don’t think it would’ve been right, but I am glad that we were engaged. I think we needed to make a statement to each other that it was legit. So that was good.”

On being bisexual: “Yeah, that’s a big part of who I am, and it always has been for as long as I can remember. I can’t say I’m one way or the other because I’ve honestly fallen in love with a man and I’ve honestly fallen in love with a woman. I don’t know how you label that, it’s just how it is.”

On having relationships with women: “I mean, it was terrifying at first. Not because I thought it was wrong but just because I was intimidated by women. It’s a totally different arena! The approach is completely different than it is with a man but I finally let myself say, “You’ve got to go for this. It’s in you and it’s not going away.” And it was wonderful.”

Is it just me, or has Evan here chilled out a lot? She seems to have grown up quite a bit here recently, and it really, really looks good on her.

“I’d like to be making babies but I’m not, so I’m making movies. When someone comes along I don’t think I’ll be able to do both and I’m fine with that. I’ll make movies until I make babies. I have no idea when the handover will happen.”

- Ryan Gosling on his future plans of being too precious for this world.

Yeah. Um, well. Anyway, I just thought I’d share this little quote with you guys. I don’t know, I guess I just thought that it might do a lot for some of you. Yes? No? Ryan Gosling is still a god? Discuss, please!