We all know this tragic tale: some young girl starts out with a truly lovely face, she goes to Hollywood, gets praise for her face, a few years go by, and she ends up absolutely destroying her good looks in an effort to preserve them. It’s sad, it is, but it happens everyday. And that little story is the basis for today’s blind item:

Which perky All-American actress has had so much cosmetic surgery that producers on her comeback film added a clause in her contract that she can’t get nipped or tucked until after the movie’s release? She’s desperate to make her way back to the A-list, but movie execs fear when the film comes out no one will recognize her on the big screen.

Meg Ryan. A thousand times Meg Ryan. We all know what she’s done to her face, but just in case you need a quick reference:

Oh, Meg. Lay off the Botox and the Mellencock, and then maybe the world will be ready for another magical romcom. Do it for the fans!

Any other guesses?

So you remember last week when Kirstie Alley gave her latest weight loss update? The one where she claimed to have lost 100 pounds and also said that she is now a size 4? Yeah, so does Tim Gunn. And you know he’s not going to let that fantasy fly:

In an interview with Tampa radio station 98.7 FM, the Project Runway star shed some light on the actress’ size claim saying, “There is a phenomenon out there right now that I call the lying deceptive shell game of vanity sizing. In fact a 4 is really a 6 or an 8.”

The chief creative director for Liz Claiborne explained his theory, which was based on an experiment he did at Parsons.

“We took a size 8 dress from 1980 one from 1990 and one from 2000 and compared them — the difference between them was two and a half inches in the waist alone!” said Gunn.

As for Alley’s true size, the fashion guru guesses that she’s between a size 8 and a 10.

“But she looks fabulous,” he added. “People are too size conscious.”

As usual, Tim Gunn is absolutely right. And of course it doesn’t matter what size Kirstie really is, and of course she looks fabulous either way, but, as Tim said, people are too conscious of this kind of thing, and it gets old quick. For example, there are a good few plus size stores that have their own sizing charts, right? I found this out when I was in a show a few years ago. The costumer gave me a dress to try on, and the label claimed it was a size 2, and I was like “ain’t no way that me or this dress is a size 2.” I’ve never understood that, or even why women’s clothing can’t be like men’s and, you know, go by actual measurements. Does the clothing industry really think we’re that scared of real numbers? Or is it that people actually are that scared of them?

I know this talk is getting really real, you guys, so if instead of answering this question you’d rather just post funny pictures of bears in suspenders or something, that’s ok too.

If you could give three adjectives to describe Sarah Palin, what would they be? Wacky? Delusional? Busty? I think any of these would work so much better than something like “rad.” After all, we’re not talking about some sweet sweatband or a kegger or anything. But it seems like it doesn’t bother Wyclef Jean to throw around such words, because he had a mouthful of them to say about his very favorite, Sarah Palin:

“I have to tell you this: I am a huge fan of Sarah Palin. Cause she’s rad. She’s shrewd. She’s cool. Because at the end of the day, I’m for the people, because this is the United States of America…this is what America’s really about. Anyone should have the right to say, ‘Look I can do the job and this is what qualifies me to do the job.’….Now my wife probably will debate and disagree with me. I’m not saying she could be the next president, you know, but there’s something about her. Heavy debates in my house. Whenever I say Sarah Palin, people think I’m crazy, but I like her, I do. I can like whoever. This is America, right?”

Yeah, Wyclef, this is America: for better or for worse.

Oh, LeAnn. I know you think that half-eaten cookie in your hand proves something, but that tight-lipped, forced grin on your face just below those eyes that are about to pop out of your head from strain of either having to hold up that platter or having to hold that cookie in your mouth long enough for a picture say way, way more.

Image courtesy of Us Weekly

A lot of times, I’m really bad at telling stories. Everyone who knows me knows this, and a really cute thing they do after I tell a completely inappropriate anecdote or screw up some otherwise ok story is go “cool story, bro” in this awful, condescending way that makes me feel ridiculous. And I bring this fact up because Nicolas Cage told a story down at that film festival in Toronto that I’m pretty certain deserved a collective “cool story, bro” from everyone in attendance:

“It was two in the morning. I was living in Orange County at the time and was asleep with my wife. My two-year old at the time was in another room. I opened my eyes and there was a naked man wearing my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle in front of my bed,” he told reporters on Wednesday.

“I know it sounds funny … but it was horrifying.”

A Fudgesicle is a frozen, ice cream-like snack.

Cage said the ordeal ended after he talked the man out of the house and police arrived. He did not press charges, as the man had mental problems, but Cage, who now lives in Nassau, Bahamas, said he could not stay in the house after that.

I absolutely love stories like this, and Nicolas Cage has got to be full of them. Wouldn’t you just love to spend a night at the bar with Nic, tossing back shots and shooting the breeze? I’d be all “hey, Nic, tell us about the fudgesicle again! Hey Nic, who’s buying the next round? Not you! HEY-O!” And that’s probably why Nicolas Cage and I are not friends.

This is a really fun blind item (aren’t they all?) and I wanted to share the adventure with you! This one’s a little harder than some, but, in my opinion, totally worth it. Ready?

There is a rumor going around that they are ring-shopping and getting engaged. No. While she may be looking at rings, he is not. These tales of ring-shopping and wedding-planning are pure gossip supplied by her publicist to make people think that their client is every man’s dream girl. She sure is… if your dream girl would never sleep with you. You see, she is a lesbian. A very pretty lesbian, but a lesbian nonetheless. Always has been. He was her beard. Even though they are still friendly (cordial would probably be more accurate ) he still agrees to be seen with her occasionally to keep tongues wagging. It’s over, and he has moved on to another hot actress… who really does sleep with him.

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, BOOM.

Ok, you might remember that I don’t care for Biel, but think about it. Remember that time that Justin called her the “most special person” he’s ever known and that he didn’t want to talk about the break-up because “I have to protect things that are dear to me – for instance, her”? She’s his BFF, you guys! That’s why you always see them doing bro stuff like riding bikes and jogging and looking not-so-in love. Oh, and remember this ensemble? Throw in all the rumors of Justin and Mila hooking up, and I believe I’ve just thoroughly convinced myself, at least.

What about you?