Sarah Palin likes cocaine, black men. [The Superficial]

Uh, how much plastic surgery did Beyonce’s mom get, jeez. [Bossip]

More on the latest nude photo leak. [Starpulse]

Couples in Emmy-nominated shows. [theBERRY]

Christina Hendricks looked … boob-ish at the Emmys. [Socialite Life]

Floyd Mayweather‘s got some serious problems. [TMZ]

Why Whitney Cummings isn’t roasting Charlie Sheen. [The Frisky]

Jennifer Aniston‘s really pushing this Justin Theroux thing. [Cele|bitchy]

The best Whitney Houston quotes. [Socialite Life]

Nicki Minaj tries to start her own trend. [Popbytes]

Jada Pinkett Smith turns 40. [Bitten and Bound]

Discodromo‘s XXX-rated music video. [OMGBlog]

When the word “pathetic” is thrown around … [Lainey Gossip]

More on the 2011 Emmy Awards. [ONTD]

No, I never did notice that Kate Bosworth has two different-colored eyes. [The Superficial]

So a couple very special things happened at the 2011 Emmy Awards last night. For one, freaking Barry Pepper vindicated himself with a gosh-damned Emmy win. For another, my mom is so excited for Emmy-minted Kyle Chandler, star of Friday Night Lights.

But let’s forget all those nice things and talk about what Big Bang Theory‘s Kaley Cuoco wore instead! (She and David Spade presented the Emmy for Outstanding Reality Competition.)

First of all, this ensemble is en pointe, straight up. “Ballerina-length” dresses can do serious disservice to a pretty figure, but this particular confection, by designer Romona Keveza, is far from frumpy.

The way that sheer fabric is gathered over one shoulder, ah! Perfect! Even subtler: the lining of the dress stops just above the knee, so that the rest of the tulle netting is sheer—but not trashy-sheer!—all the way to Cuoco’s ankle. The dress’s skirt leaves Miss Cuoco’s splendid red, peep-toe pumps exposed. And then there’s that adorable, matchy-matchy red clutch.

And the whole thing is so perfect that I—HOLY HELL! WHAT DID BETH FRICKE, MANICURIST TO THE STARS, DO TO KALEY CUOCO’S NAILS?

Don’t try to tell me this is “fashion-forward.” I hereby christen it the “Penn Jillette Manicure,” for obvious reasons.

Otherwise? For my money, best look of the night, hands-down.

My darling D.,

I’m sorry we got into a (minor) spat, honey. You said that I was “short” and “abrupt” on the phone last night, and you were probably right. I had a case of the Grumps, particularly because I had cut my leg on the refrigerator (?!) and skinned my hand on a bottle of water (?!?!!).

But I was also annoyed because I forgot the 2011 Emmy Awards were on Sunday, watched Tamara Drewe and a couple episodes of “Lingo” instead, and then discovered that I had missed a live performance of Michael Bolton singing “Jack Sparrow” with the Lonely Island.

I was so mad at myself. And worse, “Jack Sparrow” is your favorite song! I know that it is, because there was that one time, a month or two ago, when you were talking smack about Michael Bolton, and I said “Don’t you ever talk about Michael Bolton like that,” and then I said, “Watch this video of Michael Bolton, please,” and ever since, you have watched the “Jack Sparrow” SNL Digital Short a couple times a day. (It’s very annoying, the way you do that.)

But I want to make it all up to you, D. So: the medley of all your favorite Lonely Island songs is embedded below!

The boys need a backing vocal track, maybe, but their stage performance is basically one big magic trick. Bolton, the victim of a (spectacular) quick-change, is barely wearing his mustache for the first third. Also: Maya Rudolph channels Lady Gaga, John Stamos is very convincingly disguised as Andy Samberg, The Hangover‘s Ed Helms is unrecognizable in his Timberlake wig, Akon performs the hook to “I Just Had Sex,” and national treasure William H. Macy is in on the joke. Bless your little heart, Macy.

But most importantly, Michael Bolton.

If the video suddenly vanishes from YouTube—these things do happen!—you can also watch the medley here.

Image gallery via the Daily Mail:

OK. How weird is it that RUPERT GRINT is TWENTY-THREE and HEIDI MONTAG is TWENTY-FIVE? Something about that just does not compute. Like, I remember watching the early Harry Potter movies thinking, “Man, that little Ron Weasley is such a cute little boy.” If you’d have told me that I might say something similar about Heidi-frigging-Montag at a little-girl age (because they’re almost the SAME FRICKING AGE), I would have said you were tripping on something really stupid, like a bright orange extension cord or something. I just can’t wrap my head around this, guys.

Regardless, this is Rupert Grint celebrating his twenty-third birthday in … Las Vegas, also. Like Heidi Montag. Why do I not want my imagination to get the best of me? No, but seriously, why does a small part of me think this entire shebang turned out kind of how Colin’s adventure to America in Love, Actually did? Because that’s exactly how I’m seeing it play out.

Of course it’s not a “thing,” I know I’m not exactly fashion-forward, but even I know that it’s some kind of frocked-up dress, right? Whatever. I’m not going to ask. I’m just going to thank my lucky stars that I saw the full-length photos before I saw the up-close of Britney’s crazy eyebrows, otherwise I might have had an entirely different opinion on these photos altogether. Still looking good, girl!

Evan Rachel Wood + Justin Bieber. [Starpulse]

Whoa, Rihanna‘s actually covered up during a performance. Sort of. [Bossip]

Maggie Gyllenhaal talks dirty to us. [Lainey Gossip]

Scarlett Johansson’s date takes her to a strip club, gets classy photos taken. [The Superficial]

Half-nude tattooed men. [theBERRY]

Lindsay cracked out in NYC, getting thrown out of parties. [Cele|bitchy]

Nice shoes, Jennifer Aniston. Nice. shoes. [INFDaily]

Justin Timberlake says “That’s not my dick,” totally kind of admits that it is. [Amy Grindhouse]

Tori Spelling worries about screwing her kids up. [The Frisky]

Holy crap, who ripped off Pam Anderson’s head, chewed it up, and spit it out somewhere in the general vicinity of her shoulders? [ICYDK]

Kristen Stewart looking amazing at London’s Fashion Week. [Socialite Life]

Um, Kevin Bacon is still totally hot if you’re into ham-named dudes. [Caught on Set]

Even more celebrities dressing like Slave Leia. [The Superficial]