So! Did you watch Two and Half Men last night? Odds are you did—the season premiere raked in 28 million viewers. And heaven help me, I was one of them. There’s no DVR up in this piece, either, so I had to miss an entire half-hour of The Sing-Off. Grr! (I also missed Dancing with the Stars and the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen. I was also curious about David Krumholtz in The Playboy Club. Ah, well.)

Here’s a recapitulation of last night’s episode of Two and a Half Men:

At Charlie Harper’s funeral—which is attended only by angry women with various venereal diseases—we discover that Charlie had embarked on a brand-new, whirlwind romance with his erstwhile stalker, Rose (Melanie Lynskey). Rose explains during her eulogy how, on their romantic getaway to Paris, Rose discovered Charlie with another woman (already!) in their hotel room. Imagine her horror, Rose adds, when the very next day Charlie tragically ‘slipped’ off a train platform and fell into the path of an oncoming train. (But he didn’t suffer, Rose concludes—”his body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.”)

Early in the episode, Alan Harper (Jon Cryer) discovers he’ll have to sell the house. Then Jake Harper farts—I guess that was a joke?—and with that, Angus T. Jones vanishes for the rest of the episode. Seems like a pretty smart choice, actually.

We reestablish that Alan’s mother is a shrew. Also, Alan’s ex-wife is a shrew. Also, the maid. Also, Dharma of Dharma and Greg.

The first time I really laughed was when Alan was on the couch, cradling Charlie’s urn and talking to it—something about “just like old times: me, up here, you down in the bottle.” Maybe they didn’t need to cast Ashton Kutcher at all; maybe they could have just cast the urn. Hey, that works! The “half-a-man” could be the pile of ashes!

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Here are a handful of photos from the set of Ryan Gosling‘s new movie, The Gangster Squad. My words don’t need to come between you and the majesty of Ryan Gosling in suspenders and a fedora, but just rest assured that this man can almost certainly rock any time period that he so chooses.

Is there any real secret behind Leonardo DiCaprio‘s success as one of the biggest actors in recent film history? Well, as far as I’m concerned, no. He’s just chosen for/chooses good films. Does that make him an amazing, unrivaled actor? Well, no. I think it’s more than he’s been around, transcended the child-star thing, and has maintained longevity in big-name films.

But you’ve got to admit, these films do him well.

Also, that’s it. I’ve had it for today. There’s some big, creepy guy in a trucker hat drinking his coffee and sitting directly across from me in the lobby drinking his coffee when he could be sitting sixty feet to my left in the little cafe/eatery area WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING COFFEE. And he’s staring at me. And he needs a shower.

I love hotels.

I know I said it last time, but doesn’t this movie just look great? The plotline is rather predictable, but the imagery is creepy and it’s got Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig in it. A horror movie doesn’t get a whole lot better, unless, of course, it stars Jack Nicholson and Shelley Duvall. I say this because I wrote most of today’s posts in the creepy twilight of an empty hotel room lobby because my room’s wifi is just super. I’ve been up for hours, and do you know how creepy hotel room lobbies are at 4 AM anyhow?

“I often dream of quitting acting. Walking away and becoming a laundress or a sous chef or maybe writing other people’s love letters for a living. … Clearly, I don’t like to be in charge. And thinking of quitting is just keeping going in disguise. When you have options, anything is bearable. It’s when a situation is inescapable that it becomes hell. It seems to me that as soon as you get good at something, it is a sure sign that it is about to walk out of your life because it ceases to hold your mind and creative energy hostage.”

Michelle Williams on the trials of being a famous, award-winning actress who showed up on the late, amazing Heath Ledger‘s radar because of those aforementioned facts because she’d make a BANGING sous chef.

No, but in all seriousness, I know exactly what you’re saying, Michelle. Like, what if I were to give up working from home, and quitting blogging or whatever? Well, first, I’d have to go and buy some big girl clothes and toss out some of the yoga pants and camisoles. I’d have to brush my hair at least once a day, and go out and interact with real people once in awhile, too. I’d have to give up sanctity of peeking on the neighbors all hours of the night just to double-check that they’re not vampires, and you know what? Could I just walk away from this? Damn, guys. No, I just couldn’t. So I give you props, Michelle Williams, if you do.

Are those geometric shapes, math fans? Because in case you couldn’t tell – and, of course, if I’m wrong – math is definitely not my forte. No sir, never has been. Geometry, actually, was around the time that my math skills began failing me, and that was my sophomore year of high school. Embarrassing, right? I mean, I couldn’t even tell which angle to get the measurements from on a circle.

I suppose on the whole, it doesn’t really matter. Who cares* about the specifics of shapes when you’ve got an almost-Pippa Middleton-upskirt, am I right?

*I actually care. I care quite a lot. The dress is really pretty. I’m not so sure about the fabric, as it looks like it’d permanently wrinkle if you breathed on it wrong, but hey. It’s got some good points. Like the fact that a pretty, regular girl is wearing it. That counts for, like, a little bit of something in my book, you know?