“They said, ‘Oh, she’s the Maxim cover girl,’ which I get. But I’m just like, I’m sorry — you can put yourself in a box, I just refuse to let you put me in one, too. My thing is, forget what my background is. They’re trying to reduce it to, ‘You can’t be on the cover of Maxim and you can’t be pretty and also be smart and funny. You’re only getting by on your looks.’ Tina Fey, who had her book come out recently and they did a 30 Rock episode about my hiring at The Daily Show, and she defends me on her book tour and says if I was overweight and had a mustache on the cover of Maxim, everybody [would be] saying, you go girl! But when I do it… I am who I am and I’m embracing everything that I am, and I’m not going to put on a turtleneck and hide away if I want to be smart and funny. You can be all of those things.”

This is Olivia Munn (I know, again, I’m so sorry), talking about the “backlash” she received when she started working with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. And while I agree, in part, with what she’s saying, the thing that Miss Olivia fails to realize, here, is that she’s not the first attractive, female intellectual to grace us with their mere appearance in Hollywood. I mean, Natalie Portman? Kate Beckinsale? JODIE FOSTER? The only difference here is that these women don’t go bragging about their Oxford and Harvard degrees (which they *actually* have), their prize-winning writing or the myriad languages that they speak.

SHUT UP, OLIVIA.

Don’t get me wrong, Miley—this is some fairly tasteful lingerie/sleepwear, and your boudoir has been sumptuously decorated, too. I especially like the wicker headboard and/or chair you have. It’s kind of grandmotherly, but in a cosmopolitan Pier One way. Also, the drapes.

For my own part, I, too, check Facebook on my iPhone when I’m getting ready for bed. That’s fine. But I can’t imagine why you’d put that much jewelry back on. Sometimes I forget to take off my earrings, it’s true. But personally, I could never sleep in that much makeup. Or in my red pumps.

Also, when I’m hopping into bed, usually there isn’t an unseen photographer in the bedroom, snapping my picture. At least, I hope there isn’t. Good God! Maybe you should invest in Broadview Security, Miley!

One last thing: clamp those knees together, young lady. And cross your legs at the ankles! You don’t want some stranger stealing a peek at your crotch. Gracious!

(Wait, what’s that? This photo, which just went viral, was taken on the set of Miley’s music video last year? Well, okay—that does explain all the jewelry. Buzzkill.)

I love Robert Pattinson. You know I love this kid. But his music … I don’t get it. I don’t think it sounds good, I don’t find his voice enjoyable, I just don’t like it. And keep in mind, this is coming from a girl who can listen to some sad dude pluck a guitar and wail about his feelings and go “aww, bless his heart, he’s trying!” and jam out to his album pretty regularly. In fact, sad dudes wailing with guitars make up about 40% of my music collection (the rest is Bowie, showtunes, and Adele), but dear Robert‘s tunes just completely turn me off.

Sources describe Rob’s original songs as “guitar-based and drums, very organic-sounding, nothing pop, like stripped-down Ray LaMontagne meets Van Morrison.” These sources also claim that “music is his first love” and that he’s “tortured” because he’s too busy being a living wet dream to pursue it. And that, that I can respect.

So who’s going to be purchasing this work of art when it comes into being? Anyone?

I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but Charlie Sheen has really toned it down lately. For instance, did you see him on the Emmys?

He’s just lost that lovable, coke-fueled twinkle in his eye, hasn’t he? It seems like he’s really embarrassed for his recent behavior, and, you know, that’s understandable. I’m not saying that any of his actions were ever or will ever be ok, because Charlie did some really messed up things, but it’s getting pretty hard to look at him these days.

Another example? His glowing review of the season premiere of Two and a Half Men:

Sheen is telling close friends … watching his own funeral on TV was “eerie but fun.”

Charlie loved Ashton Kutcher, saying “I thought it was the best intro for a new a character on a TV show of all time.” He particularly enjoyed the fact that Ashton  “was revealed through the dusty exploded smoke of my remains.”

And if you think Charlie has been playing nice because it’s all part of his settlement agreement … we know that’s not the case.  Warner Bros. is not demanding favorable reviews from Charlie in return for his $125 million.

Oh, Charlie.  You can play nice all you want, but it’s not like we’re forgetting about tiger blood anytime soon.

Remember that time that everybody heard about Mila Kunis having racy pictures of Justin Timberlake on her phone? Remember when one of those pictures was supposed to be his penis? Well, you can just keep on dreaming about finding the fabled JT dick pic, because it’s just. Not. Real. Or so Justin and Mila’s people would have you believe…

‘At no time did Mr. Timberlake and Ms. Kunis exchange inappropriate texts or emails… The insistence that there is any inappropriate correspondence between the two parties is entirely false. We would like to confirm that the photo addressed in the media of Ms. Kunis was in fact not from any phone but from an inactive email account that has not existed in three years. In regards to the other photos in question, they were never exchanged between the two parties. In closing, Mr. Timberlake would like us to make it clear that while he might write songs about putting things in boxes, he never has and definitely doesn’t make a habit of taking any photos of them and sending them… Ms. Kunis would like us to add that while she is a fan of the song, she does not have nor has ever had photos of any male parts in her possession.’

This is the cheekiest statement ever, isn’t it? It does absolutely nothing to make me think that there’s nothing going on between these two, and I really don’t think they even tried. However, the “Dick in a Box” reference is extremely appreciated.

Do you think these two are ever going to come out as a couple, or are we going to have to look at Jessica Biel‘s clingy face every single time we need a little JT in our lives?

A minute of your time, that’s all I need. Do you have a minute? Great.

Are you ready? Are you sitting? Are you a heterosexual female (or whoever)? Good, perfect. Click “play.”

…RIGHT? Who doesn’t want a little house in Lillestrom? Right? You can totally see why a savings account with a high-yield interest rate is so important. Talk to me in the comments—I’ll customize a goal-oriented savings plan that’s right for you! ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS!