Jack of all trades, master of none. Especially that whole singing thing, that’s mostly what I mean. Unless, of course, we’re talking about occasionally looking pretty and also being an expert walk-around-the-beach-in-granny-panties-er, then girlfriend’s got that down pat. And I think that’s OK. Everybody’s a special, talented flower in their own way. Even if they’re talented in choosing unflattering beachwear and talking about emitting glitter from their urethra. That’s a special talent that you don’t just learn overnight, you know.

Anyway, here’s your girl (or, in some cases, totally not your girl) Ke$ha, modeling the watches she’s been designing. That’s what she’s up to lately, in case you had that burning, itching curiosity about it (but maybe you should still be checked for that UTI; those things are bloody murder, I hear).

“I’ve inadvertently lost 10 lbs. on the I’m-too-tired-to-eat diet. By the time I get the children [3-year-old twins Lucy and John David] ready for school, then practice and then come home, I’m like exhausted. … If you would have told me five to seven hours of dance practice was fun, I would have never believed you, but it is. There are a lot of women out there who are like me – they work all day and take care of their children. And if they are like me, you don’t always have the best self image or are in work mode all the time. I would like to send the message to them that they can follow their dream and believe, which is hard sometimes.”

Nancy Grace, on the trials of going from a cushy news analyst position to a position that forces her to bend in all sorts of awkward positions.

I don’t know about you guys, but I just adore Nancy Grace. I remember the first time I really caught wind of who she was, during the early beginnings of the Casey Anthony case: my mother-in-law, who’s obsessed with HLN, called me on the phone to say, “Girl, you need to check this woman out. This is a woman to watch. She’s intelligent, witty, driven, and above all, she’s a Southerner.” And my MIL was right. After watching a full five minutes of Grace in action on her show, I immediately fell in love and the affair’s been going strong since then.

Do you guys just love Nancy Grace or, I don’t know, not love Nancy Grace?

This. I’m so excited about this. And i”t’s not even because I think Ashlee Simpson is the crazy-eyed spawn of Satan, it’s because I don’t get completely squicked out when I see these two – Pete and his new model girlfriend, Meagan Camper – out in public. Isn’t that sweet?

Pete, who’s been through the wringer during his divorce from Ashlee Simpson (which I’m not even sure is final quite yet), was recently photographed (see above) holding hands with the much-better-looking-than-Ashlee* model he started dating over the past few weeks. Sources close to Pete say:

“They’re dating but taking things slow. [Camper] has met Bronx, so [Pete is] obviously comfortable with her. It’s really new and they are taking it slow because there is a little boy at stake. He didn’t want to introduce Bronx to her if he didn’t think she was a good girl. She’s really sweet, [and] he’s in a really good place. He’s excited to see where it goes.”

Well, hell, me too. It couldn’t possibly end worse than it did with his ex, now, could it? Don’t answer that.

*Subject to review – some people I discussed this with said that Camper looked like a taller, darker-haired Ashlee, and some of them said that she sort of resembles Pippa Middleton.

You know those two hikers who were imprisoned in Iran? The ones who finally returned to the United States just today? OK: Sean Penn helped negotiate their release, CNN.com is reporting.

Wait, what? Exactly. CNN:

The report was first published by the Reuters news agency, which cited a source close to the release process as saying that Penn flew to Venezuela months ago to speak about the hikers’ plight with President Hugo Chavez, an ally of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Mara Buxbaum, a rep for Penn, confirmed the Reuters report but declined to provide additional details.

Holy cow. I had no idea actors could even do that sort of thing—request audiences with foreign dignitaries, I mean, and then correct the injustices of the world with some schmoozin’. The very prospect kind of terrifies me. I guess maybe Bono does it, and it’s cool when Bono does it. Everyone loves Bono. But Sean Penn is so temperamental! Should he really be flying around and talking to presidents?

All dumbstruck horror aside: Kudos, Sean Penn.

I know, I know: nobody watches Saturday Night Live anymore. It was sooo-ooooo much better in the 2000s/1990s/1980s/1970s, back when so-and-so was on the show.

But—as if you could forget!—the SNL season premiere aired last night, and Alec Baldwin hosted for the 16th time. I will continue to never forgive Alec Baldwin for that time he was a huge jerk to me, but the guy is so, so talented anyway.

Steve Martin, who has hosted 15 times and has never been a jerk to me, made the obligatory gag cameo. I agree when New York Magazine wonders why he didn’t walk into the frame more than once, though. That would’ve been so cute! Like a running “Oh, no! Steve Martin is horning in on your glory” joke throughout the show.

Those hipsters at the A.V. Club have to hate on everything ever, and their recap snarked all over every great bit. If there weren’t a solid “B” score at the top of the screen, I would’ve assumed they hated the show completely. Here are two bright sketches that made the A.V. Club yawn:

You can’t have somebody in your life who’s become accustomed to a certain thing, and just because you don’t want to be in the relationship any more, now everything is cut off. It’s not alimony. It’s doing the right thing.

—Simon Cowell, on paying off some of his ex-girlfriends.

There you go, ladies! If, in the course of dating Simon Cowell, you become acclimated to luxury and extravagance, he will continue paying you. That seems like a nice gig, huh?

Following their breakup in 2008, ex Terri Seymour moved into Cowell’s separate LA apartment. Earlier, Cowell had also purchased a mansion for singer Leona Lewis. Seymour eventually scored a house, too.

Of course, I read a ton of blind items, so I’ve always believed that Simon Cowell pays his former flames to keep their mouths shut about his “quirks.” (Not that he’s even up to anything! From whatever I’ve read, his hobbies are really kind of vanilla!)

But whatever. As Cowell told People in 2008, all his exes are “like his best friends.” P.S. Here’s a cute portmanteau I’d never heard before today: “PALIMONY“!