“I am married to David Jones. David Bowie and David Jones are two totally different people. I did not want to get involved with a rock star. No way. It is not a sane thing to do but David changed my mind. He wooed me. … I remember once the laces on my trainers came undone and David was down on his knees in the middle of the street tying them for me. I thought to myself, ‘This one’s a keeper.’ He’s not an enigma at home!”
So, alright. Are we all in agreement around here that David Bowie is among the world’s greatest people ever? Because if we’re not, I suppose we’re going to have some trouble seeing eye to eye throughout the rest of this article.
And how lucky is the gorgeous Iman? Jeez. Married to the legend, the man, David Bowie for over two decades now? I wonder if she ever makes him sing the corny songs from Labyrinth. I mean, I know if I were David Bowie’s wife, that’s what I’d do.
You guys watch TV, right? Okay: Are TNT and USA in some kind of Sisyphean competition to see which network can have the freakiest Magritte-style promos? (Imean, really.)
And what is with this photo of Kyra Sedgwick? Can you even call it a photo?
Here she is, airbrushed within the last spindly inch of her life, in a promotional still for The Closer. Poor saintly Kyra has been snipped, cropped, and dropshadowed, but worst of all—and, granted, you might have to adjust your monitor a little to see this—what has the artist done to Kyra’s dress? Specifically, in the bosom area: it’s as if someone painted two errant jockstraps where boobs would go.
Seriously. Look again. THIS IS A BREACH OF HUMAN ANATOMY.
Remember little Maddie Spears? The baby who allowed Jamie Lynn Spears to put a stop to her fledgling career? Well she’s stepping out herself, into the spotlight, and into people’s hearts nationwide. I guess. Some people are saying “Mah god, will these Spears women never learn their lessons?” and others are saying “Aww, how cute.”
Isn’t this what we all do at the pool, ladies? Consume *bad, bad food and check out our areolas? I know that’s what I do when I spend the day swimming. But maybe we’re wrong about the boob-checking thing – maybe she’s just looking for lost chip fragments. I know those bitches are sharp when you roll over on them, and she’s probably just saving herself the pain and embarrassment of waking up after her sun nap with crunched-up, half-eaten tortillas all over her chest.
*I don’t see the nachos either, but that’s what the news agency is saying. Maybe she’d already eaten them by this point, I just don’t know.
“Why would you say that, Sarah?” Isn’t that what you’re thinking? You’re thinking about Hilary Duff and her perfectly lovely figure wearing what appears to be a perfectly lovely, non-descript black swimsuit whilst lounging by the pool in the hot summer sun without any room for criticisms, aren’t you? Well, you’re half right – Hilary Duff does have a perfectly lovely figureand the suit is a perfectly lovely suit – from the FRONT. (I guess that’d make you three-quarters right, but I have always, always sucked math’s long, complicated dong.)
Anyway, when girlfriend turns around, wait for it, wait for it – BAM. Swamp Thing’s got its gnarly, slimy tentacle-like fingers all over girlfriend’s back.
Not only is it way scary-looking, but I have positively no doubts as to the heinous tan lines that top must leave. Like, can you even imagine?
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