No, friends, fear not – Hugh Hefner (that is him up there, you know) is not dead. He’s worse. He’s planking. And you all know how I feel about planking.

Reports say that Hef’s latest girlfriend thought it’d be funny to get a photo of her, ahem, boyfriend doing the stupid-ass trendy (?) thing, but I’m pretty concerned at how hard it was to get Hugh up on that table. And how hard it’s going to be to get him off (because I’m sure he’s probably still up there, waiting for EMS to arrive, ’cause old man bones just don’t flex like they used to don’t you know don’t you know).

I am just so, so sad.

BITCH. Yup. A FAT BITCH. I couldn’t put that in the headline, because I’m pretty sure our advertisers would have our collective heads on a stake, and I just can’t be responsible for the skewering of Jenn and Emily’s pretty little heads, especially when they’re such nice, wonderful girls.

But truly, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a fat bitch, and I love her for it. Not because, you know, I have anything against people of a certain body fat percentage, but because Christina Aguilera railed and railed on Kelly Osbourne for so long about being both fat and disgusting. Sometimes it’s interesting to see people take the opportunity of pointing karma out to their fellow man. It’s not exactly right, but it’s semi-entertaining nonetheless, you know?

On E!’s ‘Fashion Police,’ a conversation between Joan Rivers and Kelly Osbourne transpired, and it kind of went like this:

…  After Joan Rivers, 78, said Aguilera looked “stuffed into” a Givenchy LBD at an event in Munich, Germany last month (and likened her to “Snooki’s Scandinavian cousin”), Osbourne chimed in: “Maybe she is just becoming the fat bitch she was born to be. I don’t know. She was a c**t to me. And she bought my house!”

Osbourne’s digs at 30-year-old Aguilera’s fluctuating weight didn’t end there. “She called me fat for so many f***ing years,” Osbourne continued, “so you know what? F**k you! You’re fat too.

There you have it – irony at its best, I suppose, though neither of the girls are particularly gross or fat.

But here’s the bottom line: who’d you rather – Christina or Kelly?

Gwyneth Paltrow has lots to say about Gwyneth Paltrow, so listen up. [The Superficial]

Sandra Bullock is ageless, timeless. [Lainey Gossip]

Shaq is in some pretty big trouble, huh? [Bossip]

Justin Timberlake is the world’s best dressed man – you might be surprised as to who the woman is. [Starpulse]

Kim Kardashian’s WEDDING (not reception) is going to be four hours long. [Cele|bitchy]

Olivia Wilde talks about a naughty vagina tattoo. [Huff Po]

John Stamos is working on his own show, will be playing a … ghost? [The Frisky]

What Hollywood loser couple is staying with family because they can’t afford to be out on their own? [Bossip]

Kate Moss topless photos if you’re into that sort of thing. [Yeeeah]

Kim Kardashian didn’t get a boob job, did she? [Amy Grindhouse]

Kirstie Alley finally returning to sitcoms. [Rumor Fix]

Kate Gosselin is excited over a measly 20k Twitter followers. [INFDaily]

What to be prepared for if you’re going to watch Jersey Shore tonight. [LA Times]

You know, I just noticed that we didn’t even have a category created for Helen Hunt. What kind of BS is that? I watched Twister the other night for the first time in about fifteen years, probably, and I was reminded of how much I completely love Helen Hunt. Remember when she played on that show back in the day with Paul Reiser? What the hell was the name of it, Mad About You? She made Paul Reiser look good, and if that’s not a sure sign of enduring talent, well hell. Go back to the Octomom post and reexamine your priorities, friend.

Check out photos of Helen Hunt surfing in California. Love, love this woman.

Ready? Say it with me now: euuuurrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

With zero prettying it up, here are the latest Nadya Suleman sex quotes from the illustrious Steppin’ Out magazine:

“I only had one boyfriend my whole life and I never loved him. I only wanted babies.”

“I can tell you that I never touched him [my ex-husband] physically. It was a different type of marriage. That’s all I want to say about it. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.”

“I’ve never even touched myself in that way. Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. It’s like a trigger food. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.”

“I couldn’t even imagine kissing something. I’ll be your friend but it would take at least five years for me to even consider having sex with you.”

Oh dear God in heaven, she lost me when she started talking about masturbation. I mean, it’s all clearly apparent, now, as to why she continually turns down porn offers despite the fact she’s eventually going to lose the roof over her head.

Also? I don’t know why I’m so morbidly fascinated by this woman; I really don’t. I mean, it’s not as if she’s got any talent to base her unwarranted “fame” form, nor does she have a scintillating, sharp personality that compensates for her bizarre plastic surgeries and comments about hating children.

Before she knows it, she’s going to be the frigid old lady who lives in a shoe – ’cause I know I sure wouldn’t touch that shit with a ten-foot pole, how about you? Does this new information make her more appealing, or even less appealing to you?

“When I was 19 I was drinking. I was at a bar and I had a few drinks and I thought, ‘You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to leave my car here, be responsible.’ I started to walk home and I was hit by a drunk driver. … Broke every bone in my left side. I woke up three days later. And I remember my dad sitting there… (with) a vomit tray. And I guess I had been heaving in my unconscious. And nothing says love like painting someone with three-day-old Gin Rummies. Just soaked the man head to toe in my vomit. … Since then, I’ve been a rickety, broken mess.”

Ryan Reynolds, a rickety, broken mess? I don’t know. He’s looking pretty strong and virile and in-shape and … never mind. Regardless, that sucks about getting hit, especially because he chose to not drive drunk. Apparently no good deed does go unpunished, does it?