Sometimes, or rather, all of the time, I worry that I’m the only person left in the world who thinks it’s still fun to talk about Vienna Girardi, that girl who won The Bachelor and then didn’t surprise anybody by acting like a total bitch. Is there anyone else? Just let me know that she’s over and I’ll stop talking about her, ok?
Anyway, since this might be Vienna’s last hurrah, let’s let her go out with a bang, all right? See, girlfriend just got herself a nose job because “in school, they called me Pinocchio” and “after The Bachelor, bloggers called me ‘horse face.’” Can you tell the difference in the before and after pictures? Or rather, can you see the tiny, tiny difference and muster up anything other than indifference?
There are a lot of stylish ladies that we see around these parts every single day. They come and go like the soft summer breeze, so one would imagine that it would be hard to pinpoint the very most well-dressed lady celebrity in the whole world, right? Right, but, lucky for us, Vanity Fair went ahead and decided for us.
Oh hey, everybody! Did you happen to hear that I despise Gwyneth Paltrow? Because I do. I think she’s the most pretentious person, and every single thing she says makes me want to vomit in a jar and then ship it to her home so she can have a nice jar of old vomit, and if that makes me juvenile or gross, then that’s just fine, because she’s done far worse to me.
Anyway, Gwyneth just did Elle, and I wanted to share with you some of her ridiculous quotes:
On her Grammy performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”
On her BFF Beyonce: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go … in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”
On being an inspiration: “What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”
On being “so funny”: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”
On Paris: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”
On her relationship with Chris Martin: “Sometimes it’s hard being with someone for a long time. We go through periods that aren’t all rosy. I always say, life is long and you never know what’s going to happen. If, God forbid, we were ever not to be together, I respect him so much as the father of my children. Like, I made such a good choice. He’s such a good dad. You can never be relaxed or smug and think, I’ve got this thing. That’s also part of it—keeping yourself on your toes. I’m not going to take this for granted.”
Ah! It’s everyone’s favorite crinkly-eyed boyfriend, Jason Bateman, doing his promotional rounds for The Change-Up. And God, is he likeable. He seems so warm and genuine, even though everything he says is dripping with irony. Just like Chandler Bing!
But before Jason became high-strung Michael Bluth, he paid his dues as a child actor. Worst offense? That would be Teen Wolf Too, the 1980s’ most needless sequel.
Still, every grievous mistake is an opportunity for redemption. So here’s Mr. Bateman with Jimmy Fallon, reenacting a scene from Teen Wolf Too.
Eeeewwwwww! Howie Mandel is reportedly subletting an office in the Vivid Entertainment building!
Vivid is the most prodigious porn production company in the world—they make all those porn parodies you hate to love.
Meanwhile, Mandel is so notoriously germaphobic he can’t even shake hands with contestants on Deal or No Deal, so this is some seriously twisted OCD immersion therapy, man. I bet under ultraviolet light, Vivid’s offices look like a Pollock painting. How will Mandel even function?
Still, TMZ reports that Mandel’s office space has been, uh, sterilized:
Vivid honcho Steve Hirsch tells us he’s very excited to hang with his new office neighbor—and personally gave Howie a tour of the building last month.
Hirsch tells us his team is more than happy to do “whatever it takes” to make Howie feel comfortable at the XXX compound… adding, “We even painted the walls and replaced the carpet.”
Eww, eww, ewwwwww. I really feel for Howie Mandel. One summer in college, I rented a room in a frat house (illegally), just so I wouldn’t have to move off-campus. Except for that stack of Maxim I read in the toilet stall, I tried not to touch anything. Shudder.
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