The other day, I watched this comprehensive Final Destination death reel. By the way: it is Not Safe For Work, nor is it Safe For Life. (Trust me—it makes a lasting impression.)

I have a confession to make: I’ve never, ever seen a Final Destination movie. (I know! I’m a total a-hole! Earlier today, I said I like horror movies! And last week, I even suggested you watch a Final Destination -themed music video!)

The problem is, I’m a hypochondriac. Also, God is trying to kill me. I’m convinced. So it’s those two things—hypochondria and God—that are keeping me from enjoying the Final Destination series. I am way too neurotic to enjoy these movies, if that makes sense. Shh, let’s not talk about this anymore—after all, today is my birthday. (I cannot mention this enough.)

Nonetheless, the Hollywood Reporter just published this super-fun interview with Final Destination 5 director Steven Quale and producer Craig Perry:

THR: This one feels pretty gory. Is that something you wanted to ratchet up?

Steven Quale: Well, on screen time, it’s probably less gory than the others, but it was more impactful [sic] because we built the suspense and teased the audience and then hit them really hard with the gore. Then it feels more horrific than if you had it at a normal, steady state. So that is the difference. Actually, having less of the scenes with the gore and then when you get it, after, say, the squirming close-up that you have in the gymnastics scene, really causes the perception that it is horrific and shocking.

THR: You up for a sixth one?

Craig Perry: That is entirely up to audiences to decide. You know, we had so much fun making this one, it was creatively reenergizing, that we feel, if we get the opportunity, if the audience responds, we would love another chance to try and master the movie.

LISTEN, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER CRAIG PERRY. It is way too soon to be talking about a sixth Final Destination movie. The people who watch these movies are some kind of freaky masochists, and I’ve got news for them, too: Devon Sawa is not coming back, OK? His character is gone, gone, gone! (At least, I assume his character is gone—again, this is a guess, because I will never watch a Final Destination movie through to its conclusion.)

Listen up, kiddies: I am a huge horror fan (and here is my favorite horror movie site), but I am also a pauper. So I seldom see movies in the theater unless I am super convinced of either their terrifyingness or their terrible-ness.

The last movie I saw was Insidious, for instance. (Do you have Catholic guilt? Do you suffer from sleep paralysis? If either question earns a “yes,” please do not see Insidious, because it is a Mindfreak in the worst way. Love, Sleepless in Chicago, Still.)

So! Here’s a surprisingly-competent Katie Holmes (with Memento‘s Guy Pearce) in the Guillermo del Toro -produced Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark:

Next: I’ve heard and read a lot of complaints about the trailer for the Francis Ford Coppola’s Twixt, an indie horror starring Val Kilmer, Elle Fanning, and Bruce Dern, with music by Dan Deacon. Folks say the trailer looks cheap; I think it looks like a horror film populated by paper dolls. What do you think?

Finally, here’s perennial unicorn Tilda Swinton—and co-starring John C. Reilly as her husband—in a horrific Bad Seed plot about a mother and her sociopath son (based on a novel based on a true-ish story).

And yes, we covered this trailer a week ago, but all things come in Threes, and anyway, it’s my birthday today, SO HERE, AGAIN:

Of the three, which horror trailer is the most awesome?

So Sherri Shepherd finally married her fiancé, Lamar Sally. Hurrah! The the View host has been looking merry (and marriage-skinny) on The Newlywed Game—a show I watch religiously, by the way, thank you—in anticipation of her upcoming wedding.

Plus, Sherri has been discussing her engagement for like a jillion years. So, okay, she’s finally married, thank God, and phew. I am really, really excited to never hear about Sherri Shepherd’s engagement ever again.

But here’s the thing: despite Sherri’s huge, ongoing wedding to-do, fellow loudmouth View co-host Joy Behar decided to suddenly marry her boyfriend—sorry, her boyfriend of 29 years—on the very same weekend as Sherri’s wedding.

And I’m a little irritated for Sherri, because this basically fists propriety. It’s like, really, Joy? After 29 years, you couldn’t wait a whole month to marry your boyfriend? You had to pick Sherri Shepherd’s big weekend? Yeah, maybe I’m oversensitive, but unless your wedding was totally Sherri’s idea, this was a dick move, Behar.

You guys, I have big, big news: it’s my birthday. Today I’m 29!

I know! Today, I’m A) ancient, B) a young’un, or C) shut up, Jenn, depending on my reader. Yay! Happy birthday to me!

To celebrate my birthday, here’s a slightly-older-but-no-less-amazing—hey! Just like me!—video of Conan O’Brien, singing Radiohead’s “Creep.”

Here’s my thing about Conan: I think he’s kind of a cocky jerk. (Please! Don’t shoot me!)

But he’s also shy about singing, which is totally charming. But! He also has a great singing voice! So I love that, throughout this video, he’s visibly itching to perform the ‘hard’ part of “Creep,” and he finally does it with zeal. And he has great natural vibrato and range, as much as he tries to undermine his own performance with goofiness. Ah! I love it! Conan O’Brien totally practices “Creep” in the shower.

Brace yourself, because it’s really happening: Mike Myers has officially signed on for Austin Powers 4.

There was speculation 3 years ago that a fourth Austin Powers movie was coming, but that rumor quickly dried up. The real question is, will audiences bother? Is this really a movie worth making?

Of course, this isn’t the only project in Myers’ pipeline: he’s also set to become a first-time dad in the next few months.

Our favorite time-traveling spy was last seen in 2002′s Goldmember, costarring a fresh-faced, 21-year-old Beyoncé in her first movie role.

According to the new book Sleeping With the Enemy: Coco Chanel’s Secret War, fashion designer Coco Chanel was purportedly a Nazi intelligence operative. Biographer Hal Vaughan claims Chanel was recruited by then-boyfriend Hans Günther von Dincklage, who himself was a master spy.

From Vaughan’s website:

The book pieces together how Coco Chanel became a German intelligence operative; how and why she was enlisted in a number of spy missions; how she escaped arrest in France after the war, despite her activities being known to the Gaullist intelligence network; how she fled to Switzerland for a nine-year exile with her lover Dincklage. And how, despite the French court’s opening a case concerning Chanel’s espionage activities during the war, she was able to return to Paris at age seventy and triumphantly resurrect and reinvent herself—and rebuild what has become the iconic House of Chanel.

The story sounds harebrained—and hopefully it is—but, horrifyingly, Vaughan’s proposed timeline matches Coco Chanel’s Wikipedia page exactly. In fact, the one kernel of “news” here is that Chanel was a spy, as opposed to a mere sympathizer.

I swear to God, if someone manages to connect Fendi and Mussolini, I am finished with purses forever.