I don’t know why I even talk about this dumb bitch anymore. I know calling someone a “dumb bitch” isn’t very nice, but you know what? This dumb bitch totally deserves to be called a dumb bitch. If you don’t get that about drug-buying Lindsay Lohan, well then. I just don’t know what to tell you.

Anyway, this is her latest gore-soaked photo shoot courtesy of Tyler Shields, and it’s really not all that different from the rest. In this case, however, I just hope that no stupid assholes decided to drop a few g’s on it like last time.

Also, you should be pretty proud of your old girl, Sarah, here – this is my first Lindsay Lohan piece in almost three weeks. That’s, like, longer than Lindsay’s longest sober streak, you know?

And she’s positively glowing with giddiness and happiness. This, seriously, makes me so happy for her. The early few weeks of pregnancy are always so blissful; you break into alternating tears of joy and tears of apprehension, your family showers you with adoring glances, you feel that special glow down in your loins, and nothing – nothing – beats it.

But just you wait, Hilary Duff. Wait ’til the morning sickness settles in and you can’t eat anything but Cheez-Its and whole milk. For days at a time. Wait ’til you start breaking out in lovely pimples (or are they hives? The world may never know) and your boobs swell up to three times their normal size so fast that … never mind, girl. I’m not going to bore you – or horrify you – with the specifics of what’s to come, so I’m just going to say “good luck,” and you look positively great. For now.

You probably didn’t realize it, but we here at Evil Beet (I think “we,” though it could just be “me” I suppose) have a really, really big hard on for Jennifer Love Hewitt. So much so that she’s gotten a lot of her own posts lately, just highlighting her very hotness.

This particular post? Well, it’s really no different than all of the other JLH-love posts that we’ve had in previous weeks.

Nope. It’s actually no different at all.

Let’s just look at the pretty pictures, shall we?

“… I still refuse to use silicone, Botox or other of those gimmicks … [It's] pure vanity. But a breast correction after breast feeding — why not? There’s actually nothing else to restore the original condition, isn’t there?”

So what Gwynnie‘s telling you guys is that it’s OK if you want some shady doctor to slice your bewbs open like filet of chicken and stuff extra-tough water balloons in the bloody, gaping hole that’s left, but it’s vanity – total vanity, bitches – to have a needle stuck in the middle of your forehead.

I’m not saying that there is no other reconstruction for boobs available after breastfeeding, but endorsing one thing and blasting something so similar that it’s almost laughable? Is just … Well, it’s typical Gwyneth, I guess.

Dear Lord, is there no end to the madness?

Wait, no, THIS is the guy Tara Reid married. [The Superficial]

What Real Housewives star committed suicide? [TMZ]

Best celebrity smiles. [Starpulse]

Ryan Gosling and his dog on a talk show. [Lainey Gossip]

Next Pixar movie? [LA Times]

Gossip Girl blooper reel. [Socialite Life]

Is Jennifer Aniston joining the cast of a soap opera? [Rumor Fix]

More photos of a topless Heidi Klum in all her glory (?). [Yeeeah]

Jean Claude Van Damme versus the aliens. [Pajiba]

Courtney Stodden’s Twitter is DISTURBING. [Amy Grindhouse]

Salma Hayek tells us exactly what procedures she’s had done to her face. [Cele|bitchy]

11 celebrity penis names. [The Frisky]

Is Adam Levine gay? [theBERRY]

I mean, this kid looks too young even for Madonna’s daughter, Lourdes, and she’s only going to be fifteen this year.

Her latest boyfriend, Zaibat, which, if said with the right accent, sounds like “jail bait.” (And yes, I sat here for fifteen minutes just trying out different accents to make it work.) And they’ve been together, happily, since before Thanksgiving of last year. This is the one, guys. She’s really going to make it work this time ’round.

Well, anyway, today is girlfriend’s day. Happy 53rd birthday, Madonna – I hope this year brings you all of the joys and successes and young men that the previous years have. Be good to you, girl!