How dare you, little boy. Making silly faces while some valiant news reporter is trying to bring us the most important news story of the year! This isn’t a joke, little boy. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian got married, and people needed to know about it RIGHT THEN. We didn’t need some little twerp distracting us from the facts. Somebody might have missed the fact that Vera Wang designed her dress, or that Kim spoke to Ryan Seacrest the day before because of you and your dumb faces. Did you even think about that? Did you even consider the consequences of your actions? No, because if you did, you wouldn’t have done such a heinous thing.

Kids these days, am I right?

Did you know that Joan Collins is releasing a new book called The World According to Joan? Yeah, that’s some powerful news, isn’t it? The Daily Mail describes it as “a kind of manifesto for modern living in which she gives her thoughts on everything from parenting to bad manners to politics.” And you know Joan doesn’t hold back, so this book is going to be nothing but gold. Maybe go ahead and expect a good few quotes from it, because I am real excited about it.

Anyway, The Daily Mail got together with Joan because they’re serializing the book starting next week (!!!), and they wanted to have a quick little sit down with her before they got started. And this 78-year-old lady has a lot of words to say.

On being chastised by her children for calling someone a Chinaman: “Apparently that is rude and I am supposed to say Asian. Gah. Since when? Look. I know that people will blame me for pontificating about things that an actress shouldn’t, but I have something to say, something that I think a lot of people will agree with. Things that they might be frightened to say because it is politically incorrect to do so.”

A selection from The Mail’s description of the book: Throughout the nine chapters, Collins writes well with great humour, hitting targets both big and small.

They include actresses who use Botox (‘pillow lips and eyes like tiny pits in a marshmallow cloud’), and fat people (‘the Orca-sized oafs from Planet Girth’).

On fat people: “Loathe fat people? Did that come across? I certainly don’t admire them. They are digging their graves with their own teeth. I think to be terribly overweight is incredibly unhealthy. And how do they get into a tiny lavatory on a plane? I feel sorry for them, I do.”

Joan’s dating advice: “It is hard to give your children advice, but I tell my girls what my mother told me. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen. Start as you mean to go on. Don’t give them a slice of the cake before teatime, if you know what I mean.”

The book also has a rather lengthy-looking segment about Joan’s first husband, actor Maxwell Reed, and how he date raped her on their very first date.  She says that she “only married him because I was so embarrassed that he had taken my virginity.”  So it looks like the book has some really sad material as well as Joan’s classic cattiness (orca-sized oafs from Planet Girth, how am I not supposed to love that?).

Are any of you going to be checking out Joan’s book?

I know, right? Finally. After what feels like absolute eons of engagement ring talk, wedding invitation judging, bridal registry complaints, and just plain waiting on pins and needles, Kim Kardashian is officially a married gal. Stop what you’re doing and grab a glass of champagne or some PCP or whatever it is you kids do nowadays and celebrate!

We don’t have any pictures yet – the pictures were sold to People, who will be publishing them in next Friday’s issue – but trust me, as soon as we see any hint of them, you’ll know. We’re krazy for Kardashians! Well, not really, but you know I had to do that.

Ok, if you can’t manage to wait any longer to hear some wedding details, then you just calm your heart, because boy, do I have a good few.

(more…)

I don’t listen to hip-hop, like, at all – I just learned yesterday that a rapper named Pitbull existed. But it turns out that he does exist, and it turns out that he has this song called “Give Me Everything,” and that song mentions our favorite girl, Lindsay Lohan. Here are the lyrics:

Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

Oh, hell no.  No he did not. Is he even aware of what Lindsay’s been through? Does he even know how hard it was for Lindsay to serve those thirteen days in jail? No. No, because if he did, he wouldn’t be saying those awful things. Shame on you, Pitbull. Shame on you.

But, as always, Lindsay is getting the last laugh, by way of a lawsuit:

Lindsay is pissed, claiming in her lawsuit … “the lyrics, by virtue of its wide appeal, condemnation, excoriation, disparaging or defamatory statements by the defendants about the plaintiff are destined to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff.”

Lindsay, who claims in the lawsuit she is “a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild, is suing under the New York civil rights laws, which protects people from having their name exploited for commercial purposes.

Lindsay alleges the appearance of her name in the song ”causes [Lindsay] to be associated and identified in connection with defendants.”

The suit — filed by Stephanie Ovadia — seeks an injunction to stop all of the defendants from broadcasting the song.  It also seeks unspecified damages.  Ovadia is the same lawyer who filed the E*TRADE lawsuit on Lindsay’s behalf, which settled for a confidential sum.

“A professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild,” are you serious?  Who wrote that?  What kind of illegal substance do you have to have inside your body to think that Lindsay Lohan is a professional actor of good repute? Seriously, please tell me which substance, I’m looking for a party tonight.

I don’t know if you could tell, but I’ve really hit my stride with these blind items. So far, I’ve uncovered Lea Michele‘s close relationship with cocaine, I’ve revealed to the world that Anne Hathaway‘s boyfriend is worshipping Satan, and I’ve warned you that Chris Kattan is fond of showcasing his junk in gyms. I’ve done a lot of good so far, right? Well, here’s my latest deed, because I’m about to expose a leg humper.

This still barely hanging on to A list comic actor who is supposedly a devoted family man has been accused several times recently on his movies for acting inappropriately with female co-stars. They say that in the guise of being funny he will often rub his peen against women and does this with or without pants and the whole time does it in public and while laughing. He says he is just joking around but it seems to only be done when there are attractive women around and he never does it to a name actress only to those with lesser parts.

It’s Adam Sandler, right? He’s a family man, he’s not so A list anymore, and he definitely seems the type to act inappropriately with his penis. Any other guesses?

What, you were expecting some pictures of Ashlee Simpson literally sucking the soul out of some dude? I’m sorry, but we treasure subtlety around here, thank you. And besides, would anyone actually want to see pictures of Ashlee Simpson in such a compromising position? I didn’t think so.

But check out these new pictures of Pete Wentz with his adorable son. Look how happy he looks, and look back at how happy he’s been looking since the divorce began. It’s as if he’s finally broken free of the chains of the dreaded succubus, rightfully keeping his soul inside himself and growing stronger for it. It’s as if he’s finally tasted a freedom that he’s never even heard of, and he’s not letting go any time soon. Hold on to it, Pete. Your soul is a shooting star that you can ride to destinations you’ve only dreamed of, as long as you stay away from that heinous bitch.