Please allow me to paint this inspiring picture for you. Ready? Ok. LeAnn Rimes was at a restaurant in Chicago with Eddie and his kids. Eddie was chewing up some lettuce to spit into LeAnn’s mouth when a bold and sassy do-gooder decided to take her shot and approach the country star. And that do-gooder spoke for us all when she let LeAnn in on some home truths.

What you are about to read is a fictional representation of an actual event, based on LeAnn’s Tweets:

Eddie: LeAnn, baby doll, do you want some of my pasta?

LeAnn: No … no solids …

Eddie: LeAnn, please, for the children.

LeAnn: I’ll get f-f-f … get f-f … f-f-f-f-f-f-f -

Eddie: You won’t, honey, you won’t. One bite of solid food isn’t going to make you fat, it’s just going to -

LeAnn: YOU SAID THE WORD!

Eddie: Please, don’t make a scene, I was just -

Do-Gooder: Um, hey, excuse me? Skinny bitch on the left? You need to stop throwin’ a hissy and get you some food, girl, you need to eat you somethin’, ok? This man is tryin’ to do good by you, tryin’ to treat you nice, and all you got to give him is grief and 90 pounds of bones? Shoooooo, skinny bitches, gratin’ on my last nerve. Whatever, I’m out.

AND ….. SCENE.

But yeah, LeAnn whined on her Twitter, “How dare someone come to me at a table w/ the boys & tell me I need to eat something. What is wrong with people!? AS I’m stuffing my face….have another drink and maybe take a class in manners! Cheers!” Which is actually really fair, I think it would be mad rude to tell a stranger that she needed to eat something, but damn if I don’t love how sassy that unnamed do-gooder sounds in my head.

Would any of you have the gumption to say such a thing to LeAnn’s face?

The magical Upright Citizens Brigade has done the unthinkable (literally, it has to have been unthinkable up until now, or else this would have existed already) and created a moving biopic based on the life of critically acclaimed artist, Lisa Frank. Or rather they’ve only created the trailer of a film that undoubtedly should be made to tease us all. We live in a cruel world, friends. This is just another example.

But oh, Lisa Frank. I’ve been a longtime fan of hers, mainly because of her work with unicorns. She’s also indirectly brought me great joy from the time that I went shopping for school supplies with a friend who roamed the aisles, very loudly saying “Do you remember those Anne Frank folders? I wish I could find some of those Anne Frank folders. What, don’t tell me you’ve never had an Anne Frank folder. Why are you laughing? You loved Anne Frank, you had to have loved Anne Frank!” Ah, memories.

You would totally watch this movie, wouldn’t you?

Here we have a video of our favorite hero, Ryan Gosling, breaking up a fight in New York. It seems like a couple of bros were fighting over a painting at an intersection (???), and while a couple of well-meaning civilians attempted to intervene, it took the superhuman charm and the utter majesty of Ryan Gosling in his cute striped tank top and silly shorts to stop the altercation at around 30 seconds into the video.

Here’s how the girl who shot the video, Valerie Alvea, described the events to E!:

“He took them to the corner and asked them what was going on.,” she tells E! News. “The gentleman was like ‘He stole my painting’. So he [Gosling] gave the guy a $20 and asked if it was settled. He took the money out of his pocket and said ‘If that’s what you’re fighting for, here you go’.”

There’s just no stopping Ryan Gosling, is there? And thank heavens for that.

Well, after he dies. He’s going to be cryogenically frozen after he dies. It’s not like Simon Cowell just decided to call it a day and go ahead and gear up for the future. Jeez.

Here‘s Simon’s reasoning for his decision:

“It’s an insurance policy. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But if it does work, I’ll be happy. If it’s possible – and I think it will be – why not have a second crack? Does that sound crazy? I think it’s a good idea. I have a feeling that if I don’t do it, I could regret it in 300 years.”

I don’t think it sounds crazy in the sense that he needs to get a mental evaluation, stat, I just think it sounds crazy in the sense that wow, the real world’s getting mighty science fiction-y. For instance, did you know that people are in the process of creating alligator chickens? And this is real life. That’s bananas.

You know what else is bananas? The notion that Simon Cowell could potentially be talking trash and kicking game at our great-great-great-great-great-great (add or subtract as many greats as you need to, I never said I was good with numbers) grandchildren. Would you want that for your offspring?

Oh no, not Justin and Selena! They can’t break up! Not after all they’ve been through! How could this be? Does true love even exist anymore? What other tragedies could this week possibly have in store?

All right, now that I’ve gotten my impressive melodramatics out of the way, I can get to letting you guys in on what supposedly happened. Yes, there’s a rumor that Selena dumped Justin, just like there’s been rumors for the past few weeks. First, the story was that Selena had a problem with Justin’s relationship with Chris Brown, but now, it seems like she thinks Justin is just too immature for a serious relationship. And yeah, that’s totally fair reasoning, but Selena, girl, it really took you eight months to get that?

Still, I don’t buy this story completely, not yet. I’m an optimist, goddamnit, and I believe in the miracle of love!

“They get really, really red when I’m angry or passionate and pale when I’m miserable or tired. They have a life of their own. They get me in trouble. You know mood rings? I’ve got mood lips … They are one thing I don’t have to work on.”

Rosie, honey. Sweetheart, no. You know and I know and hell, we all know that you’re just the prettiest little thing, but baby doll, please. Maybe we should try keeping our mouths closed when we know other people can hear us and just stick to showing off that gorgeous face! Can we try that for a minute?