I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: there is nothing more refreshing than seeing an ultra-celeb who looks completely normal after nine months of pregnancy, forty hours of grueling labor, and six weeks. This is Kate Hudson, and *I don’t care how many rock bands she ruins; she’s a good example of being a normal human being in a world where normal is looked at like it’s the plague.

*This is all partially because I’m sitting here eating Ben & Jerry’s as we speak (Fair Goodness Cake!), and what you see here is what I’m aiming for sometime around mid-March. Woo!

You know, I bet no one woke up this morning and thought “man, I wonder what that Steven Seagal has been up to lately?” Justin Bieber, sure (car accident), Snooki, probably (an intense aversion to whale sperm), but Steven Seagal? Nobody really cares. Well, nobody except for the guy whose puppy got shot.

Ok, so Steven here has this reality show (seriously, are people still into this guy? Let me know) called Steven Seagal Lawman, and they apparently film some pretty hardcore stuff. For instance, there’s this guy in Arizona, right, this guy named Jesus, and he has a lot of roosters. Like over 100 roosters. And Steven Seagal, along with the local police department, had a feeling that Jesus might be into some cockfighting which, of course, isn’t cool. So Steven, the camera crew, and this tactical operations unit show up in a tank, like you do, and they slammed through Jesus’ gate, and basically all hell broke loose. Over 100 of those roosters were killed and, in all the mayhem, Jesus’ little puppy got shot.

For all his trouble, Jesus wants $100,000 and a formal apology, which is totally reasonable. If some tired old action star messed up my house and killed my puppy, I’d demand a lot more, wouldn’t you?

Let’s just be real, if it’s a Lifetime movie, I’ll watch it. A cheesy William and Kate movie? I’m on it. A film featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt? I’ll be there. So really, when I heard that Jennifer Aniston, Demi Moore, and Alicia Keys (and Penelope Spheeris and Patty Jenkins) were going to be directing some tearjerker about breast cancer? I cried a little just thinking about it.

And now we hear that this Five business also features the talents of Rosario Dawson, Tony Shalhoub, Josh Holloway, Jennifer Morrison, and Jeffrey Tambor? Forget about it, I’m all over it, let’s do this already.

Will any of you be tuning in as well?

Well, again. He’s going to be a father again. He already has a 17-year-old son named Indio with his ex-wife, but that’s neither here nor there, because Robert and his lovely wife Susan are about to have a little bitty baby! Can you even stand the very thought of something so adorable? Because I’m having trouble.

The little bundle of magic is due early next year, and here’s the brief statement from Robert’s rep:

“Robert and Susan could not be more excited over this news. They can’t wait to welcome this new baby into their wonderful family.”

BABIES.

RDJ has also stated that he hopes he and Susan have a little girl because he doesn’t want “another male entity to have to compete.”  Whatever, honestly, all I want is a beautiful gallery full of delightfully adorable pictures, much like those of David Beckham with little Harper, featuring a heartwarming Robert Downey Jr. cradling a little child close in his arms. Maybe with his shirt off. And a fog machine. And sepia tones. Also there should be a puppy.

It’s official, I’m totally more excited over this than I am over the Beybay. Who’s with me?

Magic happens in the ocean! There are fun waves and cute critters and as long as you play it safe, there’s a pretty good chance you won’t drown or get attacked by sharks! What’s not to love? Sure, the salt water can take a little getting used to, but hey, it’s just salt, right?

Wrong. According to darling Snooki, the water just seems salty because of all the whale sperm! See, Snooki swears up and down that “if you Google it,” you can see that whales ejaculate “like two thousand million sperms” into the water (you might think that whales typically only ejaculate during sexy times, but Snooki explains that sometimes it leaks), which explains the salty taste of ocean water, and also the reason why she refuses to go in the ocean. And now you know! Come on, would Snooki lie to you?*

*She would, you guys, Google doesn’t say that.

“I’ve never had that kind of experience with anybody… I was a married guy, you know? Standing up there and singing with somebody and going, ‘Man, this shouldn’t be happening.’ Looking back on that, I was falling in love with her, right there on stage. It was just like this draw to each other. It was just sort of this inevitable chemistry.”

Man, I know this kind of stuff happens from time to time, and judgement all depends on how you handle the situation, but I’d be SO MAD if my husband decided one day that he’d fallen in love with some country-singin’ floozy in the space of five minutes. Hell.

How do you guys feel about all this business – sweet or heinous?