Guess who’s King of Late-Night Talk!

Actually, let me narrow it down a little. Guess who is King of Adult Viewers Between the Ages of 18 and 49! That’s the most valuable demographic to advertisers, FYI.

Who could it be? Is it Conan O’Brien, buoyed to first place by Team Coco? Or Craig Ferguson, puppeteering his way into his audience’s hearts? Is it Letterman? Leno? What about Kimmel or Fallon or Chelsea Handler, in a sudden and surprising victory?

Find out after the cut!

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Photo via Daphne Barak

Well, well.

I was wondering when Aaron Carter‘s spokesperson would blast that scummy article from OK! Magazine. Turns out it was sooner rather than later.

Yesterday, a representative for Aaron Carter denied that Carter gave certain quotes to OK! Australia—OK! had alleged that Michael Jackson gave a then-15-year-old Aaron Carter alcohol and cocaine. The spokesperson also told TMZ to go check YouTube for interview footage. (I hope Carter’s rep meant my YouTube video! That ‘ish took 287 minutes to upload! Not kidding.)

But late last night, slightly-noteworthy tabloid journalist Daphne Barak—she’s the one who interviewed Carter and presumably wrote the article for OK! Australia in the first place—retaliated by publishing still more audio from her interview with Aaron Carter. This time, she selected a much more salacious snippet about Carter’s childhood friendship with Michael Jackson.

And for this new clip, Ms. Barak evidently emptied her iPhoto library of every candid shot she had of herself physically clinging to Aaron Carter, just in case you needed proof that portions of the interview occurred between friends, or were likely said in confidence.

It’s nigh impossible to make out a word of what Ms. Barak says, so here’s Aaron Carter’s half of the first part of their conversation, without Barak’s interjections/egging-on:

…He wanted me to stay in his room. So he got a cot—a bed—and, uh, and I stayed on a cot. In his room. And it must’ve been, like, 5 o’clock in the morning, and—5 o’clock in the morning. He’s on my bed. He’s on the foot of my bed. And I wake up. And I’m like, gasp! What are you doing! Like, you know. I’m 15 years old! You know? Like, what are you doing? “Oh, my God, I didn’t know, I didn’t know.” And he went in his bed, and y’know, I’m like, Okaaaaaaayy.

Here’s the audio itself, and you’re welcome. (I stripped out the photos of Daphne Barak posing with Aaron Carter, because, puh-leeeease, right? Right.)

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That’s great, Chris Brown. That’s great.

But can you top this?

The answer is no. Nobody can top that photo.

My favorite is the dude who planked on in from the next room via the breakfast counter. Or the guy on the stove who appears to be levitating, which is like a next-level David Blaine illusion.

Chord Overstreet tweeted this yesterday:

well its been a good yr too bad its over, time for summer and starting fresh

Turns out the “Glee” actor’s guest-starring role as Sam Evans didn’t pan out as a permanent gig, which limits Chord’s future presence on the show to cameos. Judging by his Twitter, it sounds like he simply plans to move on.

Frankly, I’m gobsmacked—I didn’t even realize this was a thing that could happen. Like, I know SNL has “featured players” who vie for roles as actual castmembers, but it’s weird to me that a FOX sitcom would do the same. Plus, I don’t even watch the damn show, so I just assumed he was, you know, kind of a fixture. Nonetheless, Chord Overstreet is out of the show. There you have it.

Deadline reports that Darren Criss and Harry Shum, Jr., however, are in. Oh, Chord Overstreet. I feel awful. What’s a fella named “Chord” supposed to do now, anyway? Become an action star? A celebrity chef? A fitness guru? I mean, he was born to play a teenaged choir member. It’s a given, it’s right there in his name.

But who knows. Maybe his girlfriend Emma Roberts will rethink her ethics and pull some strings for him.

I am so, so sorry about the headline. What am I supposed to do? My hands are tied, here.

Other movie titles I ought to have been able to contort into an ill-worded, trying-too-hard Schwarzenegger Divorce Joke:

- End of Days
- Collateral Damage
- Eraser
- True Lies
- The Expendables (he has a cameo)
- Raw Deal
- Junior (OH, NO)

Anyway. What took so long? Maria Shriver finally, officially filed for divorce from Arnold Schwarzenegger yesterday. The Associated Press reports:

The former television journalist and Kennedy family heiress cited irreconcilable differences but offered no additional details about the breakup.

Haha. Um?

According to reports, Shriver actually signed all the paperwork two weeks ago. I wonder why her reluctance to file. Me, I like to think I’d've been out of there by Batman and Robin.

These photos practically made my eyes pop out, seriously. JLH is a woman that I’ve had to warm up to over the past few years, and doggone it, I think she’s gone and melted my cold, fractured heart.

GIRLFRIEND IS LOOKING HOT. Like HOT HOT HOT. Hotter than I can even comprehend. I’m not going to sit here and compare pear-shaped bodies to asparagus-shaped bodies or whatever, nor am I going to say that shapely is better than rail-like or rail-like is better than shapely – but I AM going to say that THIS? As in the above photo and the ones down below? Is TOTALLY what I would consider to be the ideal, be-all, end-all of a woman’s figure. Girl has GOT IT and I am clearly enthusiastic about it.

That’s all I’ve got for a Friday, friends. JLH can take it over from here.