If I can think of a single image that our forefathers would be proud to see as a representation of all their hard work, it would be this photo of Ke$ha in torn fishnets, a ripped American flag shirt, and a look of patriotism on her face the likes of which I’ve never seen before. I just know that on this very day, 235 years ago, when Thomas Jefferson was gazing proudly upon the Declaration of Independence, he also had just a sliver of pride in his heart for the future of this great land.

I bet that our girl Ke$ha is celebrating this fine Independence Day out in the sun with her BFF, Jack Daniels with a good old-fashioned money shot to close out the day, so, as I’m sure Thomas Jefferson would have wanted, I wish the very same to you!

In March, Charlie Sheen launched a campaign to hire a “social media intern” who could further the Tiger Blood brand and hone Sheen’s Violent Torpedo of Truth. RumorFix reports that a pool of 82,149 applicants vied for the paid summer internship. And the position has just been filled!

In round three of the application process, one of the questions competitors could answer was, “If you were the Social Media Director for a major humanitarian aid organization, how would you create awareness and raise money via social media in the aftermath of a global disaster?”

Here’s oddly-stoic, totally overqualified Josh Burnstein of Tulsa, who answered that question with his #winning video application:

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. I sat up in the pitch-black darkness, pressing my clammy fingers against my damp brow. I dabbed at my forehead with the sheet—Egyptian Pima, 300-count—as I tried to catch my breath. Oh! Oh, God! I thought to myself. Oh, God! I hope Jesse James is okay.

I needn’t have worried! According to the NY Daily News, Jesse James phoned into Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, as part of his American Outlaw promotional rounds, and assured the radio hosts he is doing just fine:

When asked whether or not he forgave himself for cheating on Bullock with reportedly seven women over the course of their marriage, James, 42, replied, “Oh yeah. I’m cool.”

Wow. Jesse James is so strong. It must take an entire catalogue of moral virtues—like acceptance, mercy, resilience, and emotional generosity—to be able to forgive himself so quickly, and with such certainty!

James also said,

Yes, I cheated on my wife, but so do a lot of other people. Does that mean I’m the devil? Or that I’m Satan? I don’t think so. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for it, but I owned up to it.

Something about that quote rings jarringly familiar…! Ah, yes. From May of this year: “I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men.”

Oh, Jesse James! If only everyone else could stop self-flagellating over itty-bitty mistakes and learn, instead, to rationalize a total lack of transcend ordinary human crutches like guilt, restraint, fidelity, and integrity.

Image via TMZ

Sammie Spades once worked as an intern in Senator Clinton’s office in Buffalo, New York; now she’s a porn star, as TMZ uncovered two weeks ago.

So it was only a matter of time—er, nine whole days, actually—until somebody propositioned Spades with an offer she couldn’t pass up. You guessed it: Spades is currently filming a bio-pic of her life. (Some scenes might be fictionalized juuuuust slightly.)

Only four days after what was surely a tedious Clinton lookalike casting process, The Backdoor Intern finally has its Hillary! And here she is with Sammie, live on set. The movie already has a set.

From certain angles, Porn Hillary looks a little like Kristen Wiig. Oh, no! I CAN’T UNSEE.

It’s Lady Gaga’s first time in Taiwan, where her fans are craaaayzeeee about her. Like, they might actually be crazy.

Here’s a Mandarin-language news report (with subtitles!) about Day One of her visit:

On the second day, Lady Gaga rested.

She finally left her hotel last night and spent an hour at Pure Yoga, as 500+ fans swarmed outside.

This morning Lady Gaga left Taipei for Taichung, where the mayor gave her a key to the city and declared Sunday Lady Gaga Day. One fan wore—no joke—an actual pig’s head to the key ceremony.

Another fan entered a “creative outfit” contest (and won!) wearing black feathers and a cage, both to symbolize discrimination against homosexuals and to celebrate the “Born This Way” anthem. The contest, like the Taichung event itself, was sponsored by Mercedes-Benz, which explains the brand loyalty of Gaga’s enormous car detail. (It took 40 vehicles to escort one woman to her hotel? Interrobang.)

Lady Gaga will be in Taiwan five days in all. She’s there to promote the album Born This Way; its launch event is tonight.

You’ve heard of limited animation, right? Like in old Hanna-Barbera cartoons, when Scooby-Doo and the gang run in terror past the same tree five times? (To be fair, Filmation did this a lot, too.)

Guess who else has been reusing old frames!

Don’t really guess; I’ll just tell you. It’s our old pal, MTV Movie Award-winning director Michael Bay!

Man. I’ve always had this sneaking suspicion I’m being tricked into watching the same movie over and over.

On the one hand it’s a little surprising that Michael Bay would employ a traditional cost-cutting technique, considering Transformers: Dark of the Moon‘s budget of $195 million. On the other, it explains how Bay pumps blockbusters out so quickly, and anyway, once Michael Bay is in love with an explosion, maybe he doesn’t want to mess with perfection? Maybe he said to himself, “This scene from The Island could really only be improved with robots.”

I mean, at least he’s just cribbing from himself.