Nicolas Cage’s son would be the roundhouse-kicking Weston Cage, who I didn’t even know completed his psych evaluation after completely losing his shit in the last weeks of June, and his wife would be Nikki Williams, who – appropriately enough, I guess – is as batshit insane.

LA law enforcement claims that a bunch of bloody drama went down last night in the couple’s shared apartment, wherein Nikki ended up calling the police, screaming that Weston had assaulted her.

To be fair? Sources are also saying that Nikki started the melee, punched Weston repeatedly and cut him on the arm with a broken bottle. Both were arrested, but Weston was the only one released. Nikki is allegedly still in custody.

TMZ also has an exclusive video where you can see the damage Nikki inflicted on Weston. Weston’s final words on the subject? “Don’t get married.”

Also? The two (yes, both of them) just returned from rehab earlier this week.

What a classy pair.

It’s time for another round of weekly winnings for the Evil Beet Caption This contests! Check it out, and if you’re the winner, I’ll be sending you an email to collect your mailing information in order to send your prize. Sure hope you registered with a valid email address! (Oh, and check your email for your winner’s notice, too, OK?)

We’ll be choosing the winner of the above photo next Tuesday, so tune in to find out who it is!

The winner on last week’s January Jones photo: Jocelyn
“OCEAN BAD! SCARE FRANKENDUNST!!” Walker lady says, “It’s ok, I’ve got your phone and booze right here.”

First runner-up: taBItha
“Haha. And get this … Lindsay was like ‘Omg …the flash from the camera made me walk like this.”

Second runner-up: Effie
“Jones: Oh! I think my water just broke!
Her Assistant: Pretty sure that’s the ocean … but i’ve got your mom on speed-dial and a Bellini just in case!”

Congrats to Jocelyn! As for the rest of you, get commenting if you want to win some free crap!

Kim Kardashian: wearing adult diapers. [The Superficial]

Did Victoria Beckham have her baby yesterday? [Lainey Gossip]

Rihanna and Drake hooking up again? [Bossip]

And this is what Paris Hilton did for Independence Day. [Starpulse]

Destroying Hogwarts! [LA Times]

50 Come-hither looks that will make you proud to be an American. [Pajiba]

Kate Gosselin jogs alone for the fourth of July. [INFDaily]

Teen moms with implants: the new role models? [Amy Grindhouse]

What young actress says “being sexy is scary“? [The Frisky]

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck play happy family. [Celebuzz]

The many faces of Lindsay Lohan. [Socialite Life]

Joe Manganiello looking hot on the set of White Collar. [Caught on Set]

Hugh Laurie for L’Oreal men? [Cele|bitchy]

Kate Moss‘s wedding gown. [ICYDK]

I have to make an apology to all of you who were hoping that precious Pippa would be shacking up with Prince Harry: it ain’t happening. Not with Prince Harry’s new girlfriend in the mix, anyway. This girl is Florence Brudenell-Bruce, and I suppose she’s some kind of lingerie model (this is, at least, what I’m guessing based on the photos).

According to sources who “know” Florence:

Florence Brudenell-Bruce is the daughter of Andrew Brudenell-Bruce, a wine merchant, and the artist Sophie Brudenell-Bruce. She grew up in Fulham and was privately educated at Woldingham School in Surrey, and then at Stowe School in Buckinghamshire. She went on to graduate from Bristol University with a degree in the History of Art.

Florence Brudenell-Bruce is a descendant of the seventh Earl of Cardigan who led the Charge of the Light Brigade during the Crimean War.

Brudenell-Bruce has appeared in a number of advertising campaigns including those for John Lewis, Knickerbox and Ann Summers.In 2009 Brudenell-Bruce starred in the film Love Aaj Kal. In 2011 she appeared in the TV series Lewis. Brudenell-Bruce is the former girlfriend of Jenson Button. In 2011 she began a relationship with Prince Harry.

Guess Pippa didn’t really ever have a chance at all – Harry apparently prefers blondes, huh?

This girl. is so. cute. Seriously. That jumping-yelling picture down below? Probably one of the more adorable things I’ve seen this week. With regard to the “love it or leave it” thing, definitely love it. I’d never leave it. It’s Hermione-frigging-Granger, for crying out loud. Though she probably laments the fact that she’s probably always going to be little Hermione Granger to me (and a lot of others too), it’s a good thing, a wholesome thing.

Please Emma, promise me: no nipslips or glaring upskirts ever. Do we have an agreement?

“I’ve always wanted to have children. That never happened. And I thought, ‘Well, I’ll do it next year. I’ll do it after this film. And then there was, ‘Oh I’m single’… there is a feeling you give up a lot on this job, but you have to get a lot back, too. Luckily I have great friends and I have found a tremendous amount of happiness in mentoring young actors. They’re like my kids. [The price I've paid as an actor] is that I’ve been very lonely a lot in my life. I’ve had two marriages and I loved both my husbands very much, but I didn’t see very much of them. The length of my work days is really hard on relationships. You never see anybody and that’s a very tough thing for a woman.”

- Kim Cattrall, lamenting her loneliness.

Ok, there’s no snark here, and no sarcasm. Really. I’m just sharing Kim’s quote here so we can all band together and hook her up with the people who give Angelina her children. The woman’s suffered through two Sex and the City movies, she deserves that much.  Let’s get Kim a baby and a break, Sandra Bullock style, what do you say?