Last November, in one of the lamest events of 2010, Willie Nelson was detained in Sierra Blanca, Texas (population 533, home of America’s Largest Sewage Dump) for having a stinky tour bus. He was subsequently arrested and charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, a misdemeanor offense that carries no jail time.

This June, it seemed as though Nelson struck a pretty good plea deal: if he coughed up a $500 fine and court expenses, he could go on his merry way, the prosecutor decided. Because what kind of sicko would toss a frail, 78-year-old stoner in the clink?

Why, Hudspeth County Judge Becky Dean-Walker sure would! The plea deal sounded like “special treatment” to her, and she’d rather make an example out of the legendary singer-songwriter.

As Judge Dean-Walker explained to the New York Times, “If Willie Nelson gets off with nothing, I’m not going to be part of it.” She also told Reuters, “I’m not going to be guilty of signing something because someone is a celebrity… Everybody should be treated the same in my court.” She told the local West Texas ABC affiliate, “To me, [the plea deal was] wrong. I think that he should be charged with something that shows drugs were involved.”

That’s why Judge Dean-Walker rejected the plea deal, demanding instead that the prosecutor, County Attorney C.R. Bramblett, seek a harsher punishment—that is, the judge is trying to get Willie Nelson nailed with misdemeanor drug possession, which is punishable with jail time.

Last week Judge Dean-Walker told press she initially signed the plea deal by accident, then scratched her name off the document again. She kind of reminds me of my hometown Angel of Vengeance (I’m secretly from Texas).

If the case goes to trial, Willie Nelson faces up to a year of jail time. The very idea horrifies me. He’s so old! As I see it, Judge Dean-Walker is trying to kill Willie Nelson. That was almost my headline, actually, but I reconsidered.

And now for my favorite hobby, Armchair Lawyering: If I were Prosecutor Bramblett, I’d just trump up a baseless felony charge. That plan probably couldn’t backfire, and at least they’d get a different judge.

I also just discovered that Willie’s Place—the Willie Nelson -themed truck stop, easily the most heavenly place in Texas—shuttered earlier this year. Oh, Willie! Just get out of Texas once and for all; she’s no good to you.

Good morning, Thursdayheads! In the morning, I always like to pour myself a cup of old, reheated coffee, burn a bagel, and pretend to read a newspaper. (Usually I just flip around until I find “The Wizard of Id” or “Pickles,” because I am basically 12.)

If I were like a real adult, though, maybe I’d be reading the Wall Street Journal right now, but then again, probably only its movie reviews. And I’d be looking for the pictures—you know, the distinctive little stipple-and-crosshatching dealies. God, I love those. They’re so classy.

Here are six consecutive years of Harry Potter portraits (or, as I just mistyped, “Harry Porters”), commissioned for the Wall Street Journal‘s movie reviews section. In them, Daniel Radcliffe is visibly aging at a breakneck speed. Boy, it really piques your morbid fascination, doesn’t it? Puts you in touch with your sense of mortality? (Yeah, I know, it’s too early in the day, sorry.)

These illustrations, I just discovered, are properly known in publishing lingo as hedcuts, which makes sense, because I always (correctly!) assumed they are meant to look like woodcuts. They are not called “hedcuts” because the “heds” appear to have been “cut” away from the subjects’ bodies, although that is a pretty good guess.

Hedcuts are the WSJ’s trademark, and the WSJ is duly self-obsessed with them. I think they’re beautiful. I will probably use a hedcut of Kelly Ripa or Alex Blagg as my iPhone wallpaper.

Oh dear God, please no.  I thought this was over. I thought that dear Justin Timberlake had moved on to greener pastures with less crazy ladies, but it looks like Biel has worked whatever voodoo powers she has in her arsenal to rope JT back in. Woe is me.

The rumors all started when some random from Toronto Tweeted that Justin and Jessica were getting tacos together. And that was fine, I could accept that, but then Us Weekly stepped up to the plate. And they’re not bringing good news:

Timberlake, 30, and Biel, 29, are “quietly seeing each other again,” says a source. “They have been talking the whole time and decided to give it another shot. Jessica really wanted to get back together with him and Justin realized single life is not what it’s cracked up to be.”

On July 3, the couple shared pork tacos at the Black Hoof restaurant in Toronto. But another insider cautions reconciliation won’t be easy and adds that for now, “they’re just spending time together and taking things slowly.”

I can’t, you guys. Not her. Not when I love Justin so much. Not to be melodramatic, but this is simply too much to bear.

I am so ready to just jump into this and roll around in it and rejoice in the glory of this blind item, so let’s hop to it, shall we?

From BuzzFoto:

This Country Singer, known for dating just about everyone in Hollywood has started to develop a bad habit. As in, the white stuff. She picked up the habit when she was dating another musician and is now hooked. If our source is correct, her late night partying is going to catch up to her…. soon.

It’s Taylor Swift, right? Can you see it? She’s definitely dated a good few Hollywood dudes, and she does seem a bit too wholesome. Suspiciously so, almost. Or maybe I’m just reaching because, ok, it’s not like I WANT Taylor Swift to be addicted to cocaine, it’s just that it would be so deliciously bizarre to have little TayTay reveal such a dark side.

Or hey, maybe it’s Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s a country star, remember? Do you guys have any other guesses to add to the mix?

I’m really very disappointed in you, Beliebers. Do you know what you let happen? Your personal Lord and Saviour, Justin Bieber, was in Vanity Fair back in January, and you know what? His issue was the worst selling issue in twelve whole years. TWELVE YEARS. That’s longer than some of you have been alive.

And honestly, how do you think this makes Justin feel? Do you think this doesn’t cut him like a knife, because newsflash, IT DOES. Justin is a very tender person, and I’m sure that knowing that he failed so miserably on the cover of Vanity Fair doesn’t feel very good. In fact, I’m sure it feels bad. I bet Justin is crying on Selena’s shoulder as we speak. Is that what you wanted?!

“In my next relationship I expect honesty, strong values, true communication, commitment, mutual trust and respect, something I didn’t necessarily have recently. At the end of the day, I want my partner and I to have the same ethics. Partying is not my thing. I live a healthy lifestyle. I avoid drugs. I have a social cocktail every now and then. I don’t want to speak for Paris, but this breakup is something I knew for a number of months needed to happen – and we finally saw eye to eye.”

Cy Waits, Paris Hilton‘s most recent ex-boyfriend, speaks out about his breakup and what he wants in his next relationship, which he obviously wasn’t getting in the one with Paris. I’d almost admire the guy if it weren’t for the fact that he dipped his pen into this grotsky biotch‘s inkwell to begin with.

Final confirmation: Practically everyone hates Paris Hilton.

See? There are happy endings sometimes.