Wait, what? No. NO. Maybe. I mean, I can understand, but I am also pretty worried about that headline I just wrote. Can’t everyone just take some time off, do some soul-searching, maybe a little pilates?

Like, I ‘get’ why Ryan Reynolds and Charlize Theron would go for each other. They’re both funny. They both like privacy. They’re both kind of big and golden and bronze and athletic. They’re serial monogamists, too—Theron recently split from her boyfriend of ten years, Stuart Townsend.

From today’s issue of US Weekly, this month-old “breaking” news:

While the two haven’t been photographed together, a witness noticed Reynolds’ motorcycle at Theron’s home all morning on June 5, then saw the actor exit her house around 3 p.m.—and she left just minutes later.

Has Reynolds (who split from wife Scarlett Johansson last December) found a perfect match?

Er? Listen, Anonymous Eyewitness, “I saw Ryan at Charlize’s house mid-morning” is kind of the least salacious gossip ever. Ryan likely motored over to Charlize’s to replace a lightbulb, have some salmon on toast, and do a quick bong rip. I’m really not kidding about the lightbulb thing, either. When I was super-duper single, my apartment was a steady stream of men, all of whom were lifting my TV, installing my air conditioners, and being handy. (As opposed to being “handsy,” if you know what I mean.)

Late last week, Ryan and Scarlett went to dinner together, Page Six reports, during which Scarlett “kept caressing his face” and Ryan “would rub her back periodically.” Gee, I guess the truth is out: everyone is in love with everyone.

OK, I know it’s a little harsh to say such hateful things about a seventeen-year-old, but you know how it goes sometimes. Still, I guess I shouldn’t be such a bitch, considering she chopped it all off to play a chemo patient in her new movie, Now is Good. According to IMDB:

“A girl dying of leukemia compiles a list of things she’d like to do before passing away. Topping the list is her desire to lose her virginity.”

Hm. Interesting concept for a movie – it’s like The Bucket List, just for kids. And Dakota Fanning, I mean, she’s a great actress. Definitely someone to continue watching on the big screen, because she’s going to be an even bigger name in coming years, you mark my words. Still, though, and sick or not – I just can’t see Dakota Fanning trying to seduce anyone – especially while looking like Marshall Mathers.

Remember last month when Lindsay was doing some kind of “important photo shoot” with some Miami-based magazine that was going to help her resurrect her star? Well it apparently didn’t happen. Because a rep for the agency, according to Radar Online, has come forward to tell us all of the juicy tidbits of what it’s like during a candid day in the life of Lindsay Lohan – and it’s not pretty.

On children being more mature than Lindsay:

“In the chauffeured Lincoln Navigator, it was all about puffing Parliament Lights and Miami chitchat with her entourage. Lindsay traveled with a revolving pack of pseudo-chaperones, whose most responsible member was her 17-year-old sister, Aliana.”

On being so entitled that the word “wait” doesn’t exist:

“As we pulled up to the Fontainebleau, a bright-orange parking cone was blocking the entrance,” Powers writes. “Not accustomed to waiting, apparently, she lowered the car’s window and shouted, ‘Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.’ “And it was done. This foreshadowed the arrogance and demanding personality she exhibited as her sweet-girl façade started slipping.”

On Lindsay’s unstable temperament and looking to constantly be the center of attention:

“Lindsay’s aura — while professional — seemed almost melancholy. She was pretty and talented, albeit a little sad and weary. And constantly looking for drama, whether it was picking a fight with her younger sister … or freaking out over a lost pair of Zanotti heels.”

On Lindsay’s total lack of sobriety, despite what the court says:

“Saturday was another night at LIV, and all that implies. Sunday was an all-day party in the penthouse and on the beach. When I arrived at The Raleigh at 7 p.m. to conduct my interview, even her handlers were incoherent. Car services were sent and rebuffed. Even Aliana departed, but Lindsay wouldn’t end the party … it was like watching the lights come on at a nightclub after-hours — not pretty.”

Good analogy. I like it. Moreover, could you imagine waking up next to this bitch? Ugh.

Anyway, though the woman followed Lindsay and her entourage around for days, she never did get that interview. I guess that’s probably the MOST surprising of this entire thing, which is to say not at all.

For the record: are we officially over Lindsay Lohan yet?

Wow, Ashley Olsen.  Looking good.  I mean, the “no yesterday’s eyeliner” look really suits you – you look fresh-faced, young, and approachable, not to mention clean. That’s probably the best part of this entire thing. The cigarette, though? Hm. I bet that hair of yours smells just great, girl.

Photos courtesy of Flynet Pictures

Sylvester Stallone looks like Hellboy these days. [The Superficial]

Yeah, that Nicki Minaj is one classy lady. [Bossip]

The David Arquette sex tape. [TMZ]

Skinny Jonah Hill is almost unrecognizable. [Starpulse]

Ryan Reynolds surprises fans. [Lainey Gossip]

Wizard rock bands popular because of Harry Potter? [LA Times]

10 things you probably didn’t know about Daniel Radcliffe. [Socialite Life]

Miranda Kerr’s ethnicity gets the Photoshop treatment. [Yeeeah]

LOL Olivia Wilde explains why she’s gone through so many men in the past few weeks. [Celebuzz]

Obama likes ice cream bars. A lot. [The Blemish]

Simon and Paula rip American Idol APART. [Huffington Post]

Why does Rupert Grint have two black eyes? [INFDaily]

Exclusive Jersey Shore season 4 promos offend all. [The Frisky]

Justin Theroux is secretly meeting with his ex now. [Cele|bitchy]

Real Housewives of the Bible? [Pajiba]

I have a little story for you! Reese Witherspoon, as you can see above, was photographed leaving a doctor’s office yesterday afternoon. A famous gynecologist’s office. Wearing, well … I’m not even sure what she’s got going on in these photos, but it’s pretty weird. I’m also wondering what’s in that little brown sack of hers there, too. Nasty prenatal vitamins? An old, busted-up diaphragm?

Plus, she had a hand over her face. If that hand isn’t concealing a shit-eating “I’m PREGNANT!” grin, nothing is.