This is Dina Lohan. She gave birth to our number one girl, Lindsay, and also a couple of other less important Lohans. She’s 48 years old. And she looks loads better than her most famous child.

From what I can tell, these pictures are from this medieval-themed party in the Hamptons. Dina’s the producer of some new show on Bravo, and apparently she co-hosted this party? I don’t know, the details are a little muddled to me, but I don’t think it matters since there’s a sex dungeon involved:

Dina Lohan played Queen of the Hamptons Saturday night at the 15,000-square-foot Watermill castle of billionaire playboy Ivan Wilzig. In a medieval-style flowing dress, and a flowered veil, Lindsay Lohan’s mom even had a cadre of identically dressed young ladies-in-waiting who sat at her feet as she held court and flirted with Wilzig, a k a “Sir Ivan,” at his annual regally themed bash. When a young party girl who’d taken the dress code for the fete less seriously passed, Queen Dina barked, “That’s not very medieval!”

Later, a Page Six reporter uncovered a hidden gem in the castle: a black room with a large swing chained to the ceiling, a cage with handcuffs, shackles and a slew of giant, stuffed bunnies. It seems the chamber is reserved for anointed subjects. “Only the talent can come in here,” a staffer told us. When we asked where the talent was, he replied they were “coming later.” Egads! Guests at the party included “The Book of Mormon” creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Yeah, if you can decipher any of that, more power to you, friend. Mostly all I care about is how hilarious it is that Dina looks scorching hot next to her daughter and that she was almost definitely some kinky S&M mistress for Bravo.

For the past few weeks, I’ve noticed this distinct sense of longing, not only here at Evil Beet but also out in the world. It just seems like something’s missing in everyone’s lives, and I think I just figured out what it is. We’ve all just been missing the magic of Rebecca Black! And I’m so sorry for that heartache, believe me, but it’s all in the past now. We don’t have to hurt anymore. It’s our time now.

This is the music video for Rebecca’s new single, “My Moment.” Hey, at least this one doesn’t make me want to rip my eyes out of my head and vomit on them and then shove them in my ears so I get some sort of infection that would end my unbearable anguish and leave me with some goddamn peace like her other music. And really, what else could I ask for?

I sure hope so, because how adorable would it be for little Michael C. Hall to embrace the Lord? He could go to church with Angel and read the Bible to little Harrison. Or, you know, not. He could burn churches and live in filthy sin too, I don’t really care. Basically I’m just unbearably excited about the sixth season of Dexter and all the magic and drama that it will surely hold.

How delightful is this upcoming season going to be?

“Art is a lie. And every day I kill to make it true. It is my destiny to exist halfway between reality and fantasy at all times. They call me “theatrical,” but I posit profusely that I am theatre, and that theatre is me. I am a show with no intermission. It is this thing that summons me from the depths of reality and reminds me that the power of transformation is endless. That I (we) possess something magical and transformative inside?—??a uniqueness and specialness waiting to be exiled from the depths of our identity. I have said before that I am a master of escapism, which many attribute to my wigs, performances, and my natural inclination to be grand, but perhaps that is also a lie. Maybe I am not escaping. Maybe I am just being. Being myself.”

- Lady Gaga reaches new heights of pretentiousness in her latest article for V Magazine.

I never wanted Lady Gaga to get to me like this. Of course I dislike her and of course I can’t stand the vast majority of her music, but honestly, I feel a little bit of rage. To be fair, it’s probably because I’m so fragile from Harry Potter, but Jesus, would I love to just punch her in the throat.

In case you haven’t heard, I positively adore theatre, I couldn’t even begin to tell you how much. And I could probably respect the hell out of this quote if, you know, it didn’t come from the girl who sings the absolute dumbest songs and is just a damn joke. I can’t even stand it. I’m going to have to walk this one off, you guys.

Feel free to bash Lady Gaga and/or praise the magic of theatre in the comments!

How would you feel if Justin Bieber crashed your wedding? I mean, I think Selena would be fine, it’d just be like, “hey, someone brought their adorable preteen daughter, that’s cool,” but if The Biebz himself dropped by with all his swagger, just shaking his glorious hair and raising the douchiness in the atmosphere, it might be a little too much.

Here’s what happened:

According to our sources at Rob and Jeanine McCool’s wedding … Bieber and Gomez were strolling on the beach when they heard Justin’s hit “One Less Lonely Girl” playing at the reception — inside the historic and shi shi Adamson House.

We’re told Justin snuck up on some guests — who predictably OMG’d and LOL’d — and then hopped on the mic, saying … “We just crashed it. We heard a party so we decided to just come. So let’s party.”

Biebs and Selena only stayed for about 10 minutes to pose for pics — including some with the happy couple — and then bolted.

Yeah, if “One Less Lonely Girl” plays at your wedding, then either you’re a grown ass adult with Bieber Fever, you have a cruel DJ, or you have a hilarious inside joke involving the song (I do, you guys. I really do). But no matter what the reason, I’d still get pretty upset if beautiful, beautiful Justin stole the spotlight on my special day. I’d have to instruct the boy to take his lady and his loose morals and hightail it away from my sacred union. What about you?

Ok, I’m not going to pretend like I’m not absolutely devastated over Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I’ve been a little like a zombie all weekend, wandering around aimlessly, trying to find the will to live again. I thought I’d finally grasped onto happiness again a few times, like when my boyfriend gave me a bunch of sweet Disney records or when my BFF and I made cupcakes with Rolos baked into them, but no, I was just fooling myself.

In lieu of me being my usual charmingly exuberant self, I’m going to kick off my shift over here with a giggle and a challenge: we’re going to learn to speak with all the eloquence and grace of our dear Kristen Stewart. You can use this extremely helpful video above, you can rewatch the Twilight movies, or you can go more method and do whatever it takes to make yourself as dead inside as Kristen Stewart. I think it’ll be fun for everyone, don’t you?!